Adults about children. Part 3

2024 Author: Seth Attwood | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 15:55

Part 1

Part 2

We continue to publish techniques, methods, etc. interaction of an adult with a child. They are suitable for children up to 7-12 years of age.

Advice or trick 3 "Bargaining"

It so happens that the child gets naughty (for example, does not want to put away toys or something similar happens) and stops obeying or even gets naughty, and the “Switching attention” technique (see the previous issue) is not suitable for use. The technique "Do as I do" is also not suitable. And now sometimes dad or mom take away all the toys for him, and the child gets not very “good” experience = stereotype. That is, if you are a little capricious or disobey, then the parents themselves will remove everything. These manipulative habits can then greatly interfere in life (and sometimes help L, depending on which path of development a person chooses - left or right).

You can use the "Bargaining" technique(for those who don't like the name, you can call it differently, but the essence of this will not change much).

The scheme is simple - if you do that, then I will: I will do something OR I will not do something. Much depends on the emotional tone you use. According to my classification, the tone includes: intonation, speed of speech, timbre of voice, expression of eyes, facial expressions, gestures, body position in space, i.e. posture, etc. (that is, all non-verbal manifestations, as psychologists say). For ease of perception, I conditionally divided the tones as follows:

SCALE OF EMOTIONAL TONES

FIRE BURNING	-Emotionally high, intonationally harsh, with increased volume, with a fairly high speed of speech, the tone, accompanied by more or less harsh gestures, which are usually made serious suggestions (and even scolding) for gross blunders, dishonest attitude to something, obvious disregard for what -or rules, etc. An unacceptable option for a child, in exceptional cases it can be applied at a later (by 18) age.
FIRE INVOLVING	-Emotionally sublime (igniting = involving), intonationally passionate tone with a medium or high speed of speech, with quite lively open gestures, posture, facial expressions, often appealing to the best qualities, feelings, abilities of people, and involving them in some process or inspiring for something: new achievements, difficult tasks, overcoming, achievements, etc. Suitable for working with a child, because children are very easily and quickly involved.
METAL	-Emotionally cold, intonationally indifferent, distancing at a distance, perhaps even somewhat arrogant, low tone with a low speech rate, with minimal and closed gestures (and posture) or without it, who are made to understand that a good relationship may end - and this is a warning the last, and it's time to draw urgent conclusions, or the relationship has already ended - and you need to "collect things." This tone is not suitable for working with a child.
LAND	-Emotionally calm, firm, intonationally confident tone with an average speed of speech and loudness, with moderate, restrained (more closed or changing) gestures, serving for setting tasks, clarifying unclear questions and other training, holding meetings, "debriefing", edification, announcement of penalties, etc. Suitable for working with a child, especially when he tries to disobey, plays pranks, etc.
TREE	-Emotional soft, sometimes intonationally sincere, heartfelt, low-speed, quiet tone with open (from the heart), restrained gestures, shortening the distance, suitable for soft suggestion or inspiring a person to something, convincing him to influence him, explaining something to him, appeal to conscience or its best features,or to strengthen his faith in himself, training, etc. Suitable for working with children.
AIR	-Emotionally light, relaxed tone with varying volume and speed of speech, and intonation, with the same easy and more or less active open gestures, suitable for informal communication anywhere, having fun, relaxing together, playing, etc. Suitable for working with children.
WATER	-Emotionally adjusting or, as it were, gently flowing around, leading away from conflict situations or switching somewhere, intonationally calm, quiet tone, with a low speed of speech, with restrained open-deflecting gestures (characteristic shrugging of the shoulders and arms), suitable for reflection verbal aggression by people, unfounded accusations, evasion of manipulation, etc. Suitable for working with children.

In order to influence a person in general, and a child in particular, you need to be able to move along the tone scale depending on the situation and adequately to it. We kind of rock the boat, switching our intonation, facial expressions, gestures, because we need to change the "position of the boat" = the situation that has arisen. When rocking, the boat becomes unstable, it is easier to turn it. But do not overdo it - do not turn it over, otherwise the boat-situation will sink.

So, let's continue. The child does not want to put away toys or his clothes, or the older child does not want to clean the room. We say in the "Tree": friend … / my dear … / Tanyusha, etc., if you are good today … / quickly … / without crying … (note, the criterion for the quality of work is being set) remove all the toys, then tomorrow we will go to the cinema, to the theater, to the pool … / tomorrow you will not go (for example) to the kindergarten, but you will go … (where?). Etc. You can always include game elements, incl. role …

Technique 4 is called “The game". For example, we say: “Come on, I'll be a wolf who wants to eat all your toys, but you need to have time to hide them (in a box, in a box). Therefore, come on, who goes ahead! " Of course, the wolf does not need to trail too much, the child must defeat him.

I was once asked to give examples for older children … Please - an example of the "Game": "Ilya, let's compete for a prize - if you remove the toys faster than I peel 5 potatoes, then I'll buy you ice cream … / the game you asked for … / we go to the cinema on Sunday … "and so on. etc. It is clear who should win here?.. Otherwise, this technique will not work for you anymore.

We return to the "Bargaining" method. In the negative version, it may sound: “Bear cub / Kolyunya, etc., if you don’t remove the toys, then tomorrow we will not be able to go to the pool … already want to sleep … / now dad will come and he will not like it … "(1-2 more arguments can be added - I call this technique" Nut, nut, locknut ", because something is fixed on the bolt with two or three nuts). You can always include game elements, incl. role-playing.

If the intonation is strengthened, and "climb" on the tone scale from "Wood" to "Earth", up to its extreme degree, and slightly change the words, then "Bargaining" will turn into reception 5 "Ultimatum": "Kolya, quickly put away all the toys, otherwise we won't go to the pool tomorrow!" And this may also be appropriate for the situation, for example, if the child does not respond to calmer tones.

Move 6 "Rationalize" is very good, encouraging a small or young person to think. There can be many verbal forms. The technique can sound, both in the form of a question, and in the form of a semi-question-statement, which is proposed to comprehend. For example, “Kolya, do you think toys are warm on the floor? They will freeze. You need to put them in the house (box)”(you can always include elements of the game, including role-playing).

Or, for example, such a “cleaner” rationalization: “Kolya, you need to clean up your toys today … / clean your room, because tomorrow we are going to the forest until evening, and tomorrow there will be no time … We will come to such a mess … And in the morning you go to kindergarten / school then … ". There is no need to do too much clever rationalization, it is more suitable for older children (for example, from 6-7 years old). The younger ones are better off adding elements of "Bargaining", "Ultimatum" (you won't go to the forest, you will stay at home alone), "Games".

Or an even more interesting option: “Kolya, what do you think, why is it better to put the toys in the box? Why shouldn't they be lying on the floor?.. ". And when the child gives one reason, it is better to ask: “What else? … What else? " - in this way you will develop the thinking of the little person. You can also prompt yourself after 2-3 answers of the child to another one, if he finds it difficult. Can you guess why?

I try to give you the same situation (with toys) to show different ways of influencing in the same situation.

And there are the same methods of influence, suitable for different situations.. And there are different ways of influence for different situations.… And a lot of other things happen … And these are the foundations of thinking and a varied vision of the world, and, finally, the rudiments of logic. Adults also need to be able to think first.

And then others tell me (after the last article) - is it possible to use some other example to show the actions of the techniques "Do as I do" or "Switching attention", and not just how to teach a child to write or when he cries?.. smile, realizing that in this case the adult himself needs to develop thinking, because it is somewhat one-line here. There are hundreds and thousands of different situations, and you cannot describe all of them - and you need to be able to see analogies in the use of techniques in different cases.

Nevertheless, I will give a couple more examples of the development of thinking in a 5-7 year old child.

The problem is about cars. We give him a problem by drawing it on paper. There are 2 roads leading from our city to the village (or vice versa) - one is a straight line, and the other is a curve, into a detour. And now 2 cars left the city for the village, one along a straight road, the other along a curve. Which car will come ahead? Why?.. After, most likely, correct answers, we say that it turned out that the car arrived first along the crooked road. Why can this happen, for what reasons can it be?.. If the child calls, we ask: "More?.. More?". You can set the conditions that one car was a truck, and the other was a passenger car … There are many variations here. You can come up with such tasks yourself. If the child cannot find any reason, suggest one answer (this is important). After solving the problems, it is equally important to draw at least some conclusions, to summarize. A smart child does it with pleasure himself, just suggest it.

The problem about a buoy (buoy) from street children A. S. Makarenko. To prevent the children from swimming far in the camp, the counselors put a buoy on the water, securing it with a medium-sized chain to anchor. The children did not like the buoy, it limited their freedom, allowing the counselors to see who was swimming where and to take appropriate measures. And so the children decided to remove the beacon, for which they spent 2 hours with the anchor, trying to pull it out of the water. But they did not succeed - the anchor was heavy. What other ways could this beacon be removed?.. And yet?..

My grandchildren meet such tasks with a bang. But here it is important not to strongly criticize the decisions of the children. Much more important is not the correctness (in the opinion of an adult) of their answers, but how they think, their willingness to think, to offer options. If necessary, you can explain something or give directions for a solution. The child must "win" in any case.