How we program children

2024 Author: Seth Attwood | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 15:55

A forty-year-old woman told me how once, as a child, her strict mother dressed her in a new dress and, sending her out for a walk, said in a stern voice: "If you come dirty, I will kill you!" She went into the courtyard and at first was very afraid to make at least one awkward movement, with horror imagining that something might happen to the dress.

But then the children came out into the yard, the game began.

Gradually, the fear let go of her and she began to play, like all children. But during the game, someone pushed her in a ridiculous childish fight. She stumbled, fell, rose, stepped on the edge of the dress. There was a crackle of fabric, and to her horror she saw her dress - smeared, with a ripped frill. She remembered the feeling of horror for the rest of her life - she was absolutely sure that now her mother would kill her. She began to cry, and she cried so desperately that other mothers in the yard gathered around her and began vying to calm her down. But nothing helped - because the child knew that mom would kill her.

Imagine what a shock the girl experienced, what horror she really experienced if adults, realizing why she was crying so much, did not even try to persuade her to calm down, but began to look for a way out of the situation. She was brought home to one of the women, where the dress was taken off, washed, ironed to dry. Then she was taken to a nearby street, where there was a fashion studio. There, the women explained the situation to the workers of the atelier - and they sewed the torn off frill so that there was no trace left. And only after the girl was convinced that nothing was noticeable, she calmed down.

I described this situation to show you that children take everything seriously, they believe us. We are significant people for them. Therefore, our opinion, the assessment that they believe, as an unconditional truth about them, sometimes sounds like a sentence to them. Especially if we tell them this often, pointing out to them some of their qualities, skill or inability. They really believe us. And they consider our opinion about them - final, like the diagnosis that we give them. One mother told me in a sad voice, doomed:

- Poems are poorly remembered. There is no memory at all!

And I was once again surprised - how easily and thoughtlessly parents make their diagnoses, dooming the child precisely to confirm this diagnosis.

“But because you say this to your child, he will not remember better,” I had to say every time. - On the contrary, thanks to you, he already knows that he does not remember well, that he has no memory … He accepts this as the final conclusion about him …

We ourselves deprive our children of opportunities for growth, the disclosure of some abilities, making such "diagnoses." I remember how surprised every time I saw the drawings of my grandson - for a long time he drew real "kalyak-malyaks", which are drawn by kids, not children of his age. His peers in kindergarten drew already expanded pictures, showing even a perspective, scale, reflecting facial expressions - he also drew little people according to the principle - point, point, two circles, mouth, nose, cucumber … I understood - some brain structures still not formed, that is why he draws so primitively and “incorrectly” for his age. And none of us adults said - you don't know how to draw … Time passed, and somehow imperceptibly for all of us - the child suddenly began to draw, began to convey perspective, scale, and facial expressions. Simply - no one gave him a "final" diagnosis, depriving him of the prospect of being able to draw.

(How many times, when inviting adults to draw something needed in the process of some exercises, I heard: I can't draw! - “How do you know that?” I asked.- Who told you that? You just start - and you can't help but be able to! Only those who know that they can’t and don’t try anymore do not know how …”And indeed, sometimes within a few days of training people begin to be able to draw! Because they simply cancel the "diagnosis" he made in childhood.)

Often it is our parental "diagnoses" that lead to more serious consequences than the ability or inability to do something. Our opinions and assessments sometimes lead children to anxiety, to disbelief in themselves, to discouragement, to doom. Even our innocent would seem: “So what have you done? What have you done, I ask you! " spoken in a tragic voice about a child's not-so-significant act, makes him feel that something terrible has happened. Sometimes, again, even without wishing it, we cause in the child a feeling of irreparability of what happened, of doom because he has done something that cannot be changed!

And this can lead to a real tragedy (and there are such cases!) - to the suicide of a child, when he cannot live under the burden of his own guilt and badness, instilled in him, albeit unconsciously, not on purpose, by such punishing parents. We, as it were, condemn the child to some specific behavior, informing him of the finiteness of our conclusions about him and his actions.

I have heard the stories of many adults about how they are “persecuted” and in adult life such are the “sentences” of their parents. As a mother’s remark, repeated many times in childhood: “Lord! What kind of punishment is this! " - for many years caused in a person a feeling of guilt, self-doubt, even a fear of building a serious relationship with a partner. Indeed - who needs such a punishment! Why should you - such - spoil people's lives? Like my mother's "prophecy": "Nothing good will come of you!"

And in a situation of any failure, so natural for any person living his life, these words popped up in my head as a sentence - my mother said, nothing good will come of me … As a “prophecy”: “For such a bully like you, the prison is crying ! " - came true in the most real sense - sooner or later a person ended up in prison. (And how many of them who ended up in prisons were programmed in childhood by their parents who gave their children such a terrible "diagnosis"!)

Realizing our prophetic, "creative" abilities, we must understand that a child should not learn from us about such hopeless scenarios of his life! To love a child means to teach him in any situation, in case of any failure or failure to see the perspective, to believe in himself, to seek and find a way out of any situation. Agree, you, as an adult living an adult life, know how important this is. How important it is not to give up in any situation. How important it is to believe that everything will be fine … But for this, we need to give the child the opportunity to see the way out, the “infinity” of any fact or deed.

Help him realize that everything can change, that he has the strength to correct a mistake, become better, stronger. After all, we, adults, know that everything changes, that everything is “not of course”. It is this knowledge that we need to share. We need to tell them about this. And no one except us will tell our children that they have the opportunity to remain good even after bad deeds. Maybe this is one of the most important beliefs that we need to form in our children that will truly support them in life. For which they will be truly grateful to us.

And for this - again, you need to help the child to realize the reason for his actions - so it will be easier to understand how to change the situation, where to find a way out. And for this, again, we need to have our own kind look at the child. As for a good child, and not as for a criminal for whom the prison is already crying!

It is in these explanations and in the belief in a good child, who, even if he does a bad deed, has the prospect of correcting himself and remaining a good person - and there is a real expression of love! The child bites - you must tell him that he will soon grow up and stop biting. That all small children bite, but then they all stop. The child took someone else's thing - because he is still small and cannot resist his desires. But he will certainly grow up and find out that each person has his own things and you can take them only by asking if this person will allow you to take the thing that belongs to him. And he will definitely learn this and grow up to be an honest person. The child had a fight, so he defended himself. But over time, he will understand that you can defend yourself not only by fighting. He will learn to negotiate, he will learn to choose friends for himself, with whom he will not have to fight. The child was rude to adults, but he will definitely learn to behave so as not to offend other people, so as not to rip off his mood on them. All this comes with age.

The child must learn that he is normal. That he is "like that." It's just that he hasn't learned something yet, he has done something thoughtlessly. But he has the ability to correct all his mistakes. He has the ability to change. We need to help children realize that things are changing. That his shyness will pass over time, that he will definitely have friends, that he will definitely correct the "deuce", that after "unrequited" love, another will surely come, that life never ends while you are alive …

That is why, again, for us adults, it is so important to remember ourselves as small. We need to tell our children that we understand them, because in childhood ourselves - sometimes they took someone else's or deceived, fought or received deuces. But good, normal people have grown out of us. We should be models of perspective in life for our children. This is why we need to remember our childhood and talk to our children about our childhood. About the love that ended so sadly for you, about your experiences that have passed over time. About your shyness, which has passed over time. About your quarrels with peers, with whom you later made peace. Remember the tremendous POWER OF THE WORD, and the PARENT WORD in particular. And whatever situations arise in life - teach your children: There is always a place for changes for the better!