How do we involuntarily program children to lie?

2024 Author: Seth Attwood | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 15:55

In fact, we all know that lying is not good. But at the same time, time (well, we lie) much more often than we would like. Sometimes we do it so thoughtlessly and habitually, as if we are acting out a scenario in which the roles are planned in advance.

When a student is late for class, the teacher is supposed to react to it. They react differently. Some send the latecomers away, some, throwing a reproachful glance, let them enter and sit down at the desk with a nod of their heads, while the majority proceed to questioning (interrogating?): Where, they say, were you worn, answer, my dear. And rarely will anyone think to ask themselves: will I find out the truth if I ask?

One day my own students gave me such an unexpected thought.

Once, after a long thaw, frost burst out - and our city in an instant turned into a large skating rink. Naturally, the first lesson could not start normally - the latecomers dragged on in an endless string. “So,” I began to say, “the theme of our …” - then “knock-knock-knock” was heard, then the door opened and another latecomer appeared in the doorway. A typical dialogue followed:

- Why are you late?

- Yes, you know, the bus broke down.

- I understand … Come in, sit down. So, the topic of our …

"Knock-Knock…"

First, second, third, fourth … All as one talked about the broken buses and the bad road. The class was overjoyed at every new phenomenon, I was a little nervous and glanced at my watch. But now all the latecomers pulled up, and only we properly took up the "Fathers and Sons" …

… there was a knock again. The last, charming and absolutely careless student appeared, who was also my neighbor.

- Can? - He asked, as befits a latecomer.

I (as a teacher should) pretended to frown:

- Why are you late?

He opened his mouth: "Yes-ah …" - and then the whole class burst out in chorus:

- The bus broke down …

“Yeah,” he confirmed, “the bus.

- Come in … - according to the script, I nodded my head. He broke into a smile. And then it dawned on me that he just did not need the bus: he always walks to school!

“I lied,” I thought, and immediately I became terribly interested: did others lie or not? Having washed away the whole lesson with this thought, by the end I could not resist and asked the guys:

- Tell me honestly, who was actually late today because the bus broke down, and not because of something else?

Laughter rolled around the classroom, then a pair of hands went up. However, one, having hesitated, sank down.

- Are there those who are late without a good reason? - I did not calm down.

- And this is looking what kind of weighty and respectful you think, - I received in response.

It was then that I thought: I wonder, who is the initiator of this lie, the students or their teacher?

Since then, the question "why was late", so as not to encourage lies, I brushed aside completely. Better to believe: there is a reason for every action. And do not push for a pre-planned deception.

(By the way, there were no more delays after that. Well, with those who introduced a personal fashion for being late, there were other conversations. And certainly not in class and not in front of the whole class.)

Children are by nature honest. We provoke ourselves to deceive children. First, we provoke, and then, if over and over again they manage to avoid trouble thanks to their "fairy tales", they get used to lying.

How do we do it?

The most typical way is to put the child in a situation where he has to dodge, invent - compose fairy tales for the parents.

My daughter returned from a walk: her knees were dirty, her face was grimy, the strap on her dress was torn off.

- Are you playing these stupid "Cossack robbers" again? You won't go outside alone anymore! - they say to her at home.

Do you think the girl will tell the truth to her parents or will she prefer to compose a "fairy tale about how she is not to blame"?

- You can, I won't go to school, my head hurts … my throat … - complains the son.

Mom will feel her forehead (everything seems to be fine!) And send the child to school. She is great, she was able to expose the lie. But, unfortunately, she didn’t pay attention to the fact that she hadn’t learned the truth. After all, not only laziness makes children urgently get sick, drink bitters and even lie in bed. The child kept silent, didn’t tell the truth: why he didn’t want to go to school. Maybe he is in big trouble, such that one cannot cope? Why doesn't he talk about them? No longer hoping for your help? Shy? Don't trust? Fears? Will he seek help elsewhere? Will he find it? And if it does, then what?

As you can see, childish lies are dangerous not only because they deceive you. By deceiving (or keeping silent), the child simply moves away from you. And it only says that the little person doubts your unconditional love.

A child is honest with his parents only when:

• trusts them;
• is not afraid of their anger or condemnation;
• I am sure that no matter what happens, he will not be humiliated as a person;
• they will not discuss him, but an act that needs to be corrected;
• help, support when he feels bad;
• the child knows for sure: you are on his side;
• knows that even if punished, it is reasonable and just (children generally have a strong sense of justice, and they often despise those who do not show it - both despots and those who are too soft).

Small children (up to three or four years old) are not capable of cheating at all. Their inner speech is not yet developed (they do not know how to speak "to themselves", mentally), therefore they blurt out - they say everything that comes to mind. With the development of internal speech, "internal censorship" gradually appears, that is, the ability to figure out what is worth saying and what is not.

By this time, the child had already managed to form an attitude to the dilemma: lie-truth. What to say, where to lie, what to keep silent about. And he draws his conclusions from observations of us, parents and other close adults. How your relationship develops, how sincere you yourself are with him, will determine how truthful your child will be with you.

Don't teach your kids to lie

We ourselves often deceive our children. True, we often think that we are doing this with good intentions. But are they really that good? And are the lost trust worth it?

“Go play. I'll sit here next to you,”the mother says to the crying baby, leaving him in kindergarten for the whole day. He, of course, will soon calm down and in the evening will happily rush to meet his mother, but somewhere out there, in the depths of his soul, there is already a mark: "They are leaving me."

“Tomorrow we will go to the cinema with you,” dad might say and … forget. And the child has a different mark: "Promises are not fulfilled."

“No, I’m not angry at all, these are all your inventions,” they say to the child. But they forget to add that you are not angry with him, but with the boss who loaded them with work, you are very angry, and therefore the mood is nowhere worse. And the child, not knowing the truth, but feeling the bad mood of an adult, takes everything personally and worries: what did I do wrong? And again there is a mark: "It's my fault, because of me mom is bad."

"No, I didn't throw your hamster away, he ran away himself." "No, your Vaska did not call you" (and he called, the one you hate). Marks, marks, sweeping away the truth. Small lies, multiplying and multiplying, breeds great distrust. With the loss of trust … unconditional love is slowly destroyed. The child understands: there are conditions under which they will love me. Love for him becomes different - conditioned.

If you've caught your treasure in a lie, don't rush to blame it. Ask yourself: why isn't he telling me the truth?

And also - look at the child as in a mirror. As it comes around, it will respond.