From boy to man: the secrets of parenting

2024 Author: Seth Attwood | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 15:55

Raising boys is not a woman's business. So they thought in ancient Sparta, and therefore they separated sons from their mothers early, handing them over to the care of male educators. This was also the opinion in old Russia.

In noble families from birth, not only a nanny but also a serf "uncle" looked after a male baby, and not governesses, but governors were invited to the six or seven-year-old boys. Boys from the lower classes, simply due to life circumstances, quickly plunged into the male environment, joining in male affairs. Suffice it to recall the textbook poem by Nekrasov "Little man with a marigold", whose hero is only six (!) Years old, and he already carries firewood home from the forest, perfectly manages a horse and feels like the breadwinner of the family.

Moreover, the labor education of boys was considered the duty of the father or other adult men of the family. “Observers unanimously confirm the conclusion about the exclusive role of the father and, in general, the elders in the family of men in the upbringing of sons,” wrote the researcher of the Russian peasant life, historian N. A. Minenko. a woman. However, in the 20th century, everything changed, and raising children the further, the more it becomes a purely female occupation. In kindergarten, the "mustachioed nanny" can be found only in the movies. And men are not eager to go to school. No matter how many of them were called there, but still, practically in any school there are an order of magnitude fewer teachers than female teachers.

In such a situation, the main burden falls on the family, but even in a family, not all children have an example of a man before their eyes! The number of single mothers is growing. As well as the number of one-child families. Without any exaggeration, we can say that millions of modern boys are deprived of serious male influence during the most important period of their development, when stereotypes of sex-role behavior are formed in them. And as a result, they acquire feminine attitudes, feminine views on life.

Advantages of a man: moderation and accuracy. And also the ability to embroider with satin stitch

In our psychological classes, we give the children a small test: we ask them to draw a ladder of ten steps and write on each step some quality of a good person. Above - the most important, below - the most insignificant, in their opinion. The result is impressive. Often, teenage boys point out among the most important traits of a good person … diligence, perseverance, accuracy. They just don't call the ability to embroider with satin stitch! But courage, if present, is on one of the last steps.

Moreover, mothers who themselves cultivate such ideas about life in their sons, then complain about their lack of initiative, inability to rebuff the offender, unwillingness to overcome difficulties. Although where does the desire to overcome difficulties come from? What do sons in many families hear every hour, if not every minute? - “Don't go there - it’s dangerous, then don’t do it - you will hurt yourself, don’t lift weights - you will overstrain, don’t touch, don’t climb, don’t dare …” What kind of initiative can you talk about with such upbringing?

Of course, the fear of mothers is understandable. They have only one son (it is the one-child families that most often suffer from hyperprotection), and mothers are afraid that something bad might happen to the boy. Therefore, they reason, it is better to play it safe. But this approach is humane only at first glance. You will ask why? - Yes, because in fact, selfish considerations are hidden behind it. Gresh is overprotective, mothers and grandmothers bring up the child for themselves, bring up the way that suits them.

And don't think seriously about the consequences. Although you should think about it. After all, even from an egoistic point of view, this is short-sighted. By drowning out masculinity in a child, women distort the masculine nature, and such gross violence cannot go unpunished. And it will surely hit the family with a ricochet.

Twelve-year-old Pasha looked about nine years old. Answering questions (even the most simple ones, such as "What school do you go to?" And he shivered constantly, as if his clothes were rubbing his skin. He was tormented by fears, he did not fall asleep in the dark, he was afraid to be alone at home. At school, too, everything was not thank God. Going to the blackboard, Pasha babbled something unintelligible, although he knew the material by heart. And before the control tests, he began to shake so much that he could not sleep at midnight and every two minutes he ran to the toilet. In primary school, Pasha was often beaten, taking advantage of the fact that he did not dare to fight back. Now they beat less, because the girls began to intercede. But Pasha, as you understand, does not add joy to Pasha. He feels insignificant and escapes from painful thoughts, heading into the world of computer games. In them, he feels invincible and crushes numerous enemies.

“I used to read so much, I enjoyed going to the theater and museums. Now she refuses everything and sits in front of the computer all day, - Pasha's mother grieves, not realizing that she herself drove him into a vicious circle. This is a rough portrait of a weak-willed boy crushed by overprotection. Those who are internally stronger begin to show negativism and demonstrativeness.

“I don’t understand what happened to my son. He was a normal person, but now he takes hostility towards everything. You are his word, he is ten for you. And most importantly, no responsibility! If you instruct to buy something, you will spend the money on something completely different, and even lie about three boxes. She always strives to do it in defiance, to get into some kind of adventure. Our whole family is kept in suspense, we need an eye and an eye behind him, as for a little one, - the mother of such a child complains, also not understanding who is to blame for his recalcitrant, infantile antics.

As a result, in adolescence, both boys are likely to fall into the so-called "risk group".

Pasha may become a victim of violence and attempt suicide, another boy may drop out of school, get carried away with hard rock and discos, go all out in search of easy money, become addicted to vodka or drugs. Those. even the health of the child, i.e. the goal for which his masculinity was sacrificed - and that will not be achieved!

School of Courage

If you seriously think about the future of your son, then you should not protect his every step. Although, of course, each parent determines the measure of risk himself, based on his characterological characteristics and the character of the child. A friend of mine, a truly iron lady, brings up her sons on the model of the ancient Spartans. A two-year-old toddler stomps next to her on a mountain under the scorching sun. And to the top a little, a lot one and a half kilometers! And he goes to the other side of the world to swim alone with his older brother, who has just passed the sixth, like Nekrasov's … I’m even scared to hear about it, but she thinks that it’s simply impossible to raise sons otherwise.

But I think most mothers are not nervous about this approach. Better to prefer the middle ground. To get started, take a trip to the playground and watch the children walking there under the supervision of their fathers. Pay attention to how much more relaxed fathers are about the falls of their babies. They do not discourage their sons from a dangerous place, but help them overcome difficulties. And they cheer you up instead of stopping, pulling back. This is the male type of reaction, which is lacking in the upbringing of today's boys.

In general, sons are generally easier for fathers than for mothers. It is a fact. But different explanations are given to him. More often than not, wives say that their husbands see their children less often, encounter them less often in everyday life, and that sons have "less allergies" to them. But I am convinced that this is not the case. If a child has a normal relationship with his mother, he is only glad when she is more at home. And he has no "allergy" to it! But when there is no mutual understanding, when a banal toothbrushing develops into a problem, then "allergy", of course, appears.

No, it's just that the fathers themselves were boys and did not completely forget their childhood. For example, they remember how humiliating it is when you are afraid to fight back. Or when, as if you were a fool, they dictate to you which hat to wear, which scarf to tie. Therefore, observe where they are inferior to their sons, and where, on the contrary, they are as hard as flint. And try to assess it objectively, without any hidden grudges. After all, men often turn out to be right, accusing their wives of spoiling their sons, and then they themselves cry from this. Of course, masculinity training takes place differently at different ages.

In a very small, two-year-old child, endurance can and should be encouraged. But just not in the way that adults try to do, reprimanding a fallen baby: “What are you crying for? It doesn't hurt you! Be a man!" Such "upbringing" leads to the fact that at the age of 5-6 a kid who is tired of humiliation declares: "I'm not a man! Leave me alone".

It is better to proceed from the "presumption of innocence": since he is crying, it means that he needs to be pitied. Whether he was hit or scared - it doesn't matter. The main thing is that the baby needs psychological support from the parents, and it is cruel to refuse it. But when he hits and does not cry, it is worth noting and praising his son, focusing on his masculinity: “Well done! That's what a real guy means. Another would have cried, but you endured."

In general, pronounce the word "boy" with the epithets "brave" and "hardy" more often. After all, kids usually hear at this age that “good” is obedient. And in early childhood, many auditory and visual images are imprinted at the subconscious level. As you know, people who once heard a foreign speech in infancy later easily master this language and are distinguished by good pronunciation, even if they begin to learn the language from scratch many, many years later.

The same thing happens with ideas about life and people. Early impressions leave a deep imprint and subsequently invisibly guide many of our actions. A three or four year old child should buy more "male" toys. Not only pistols and cars. I already wrote that it is useful to introduce sons to male professions.

Among other things, this will distract the child from the computer, from the countless virtual murders that generate only fear and bitterness in the child's soul. It is very good to combine stories with role-playing games, buying or making different paraphernalia for them: firefighter helmets, ship steering wheel, police baton … It is better that these toys are not very bright. Diversity is for girls. Choose calm, restrained, courageous tones, because the suggestion goes not only at the level of words, but also at the level of color.

Boys of five to six years old usually take an interest in carpentry and locksmith tools. Don't be afraid to give them a hammer or a penknife. Let them learn to hammer in nails, plan, saw. Under the supervision of adults, of course, but still independently. The sooner the boy starts helping one of the grown men, the better. Even if his help is purely symbolic. For example, giving your dad a screwdriver in time is also very important. This elevates the boy in his own eyes, allows him to feel his involvement in the "real business." Well, dads, of course, should not be annoyed if the son does something wrong.

And even more so it is unacceptable to shout: "Your hands are growing out of the wrong place!" Thus, you can only achieve that the son will no longer have any desire to help.

“When a locksmith comes to us,” the headmistress of a kindergarten, who pays great attention to the development of masculine qualities in boys, and feminine ones in girls, told me, “I specially send the boys to help him, and they line up. We, as indeed everywhere else, have many children from single-parent families, and for some this is the only opportunity to join men's activities."

It is very important for single mothers to adopt this simple technique. Indeed, among adolescents of the "risk group" the majority of single-parent families. Lacking a positive model of male behavior in front of their eyes, boys easily copy negative ones. With very dire consequences for themselves. Therefore, try to find a person among your relatives, friends or neighbors who, at least sometimes, could adapt the little boy to some male business. And when your son grows up a little, find out what clubs and sections where men teach in your area. Do not spare your efforts, find a leader who would suit your boy's heart. Trust me, it will pay off with interest.

Already in older preschool age, boys should be guided by a chivalrous attitude towards girls.

In the same kindergarten, the guys are so accustomed to letting girls go ahead that one day, when the teacher forgot about this rule, there was a jam at the door: the boys did not want to go before the girls. In the classroom in our psychological theater, we also praise the boys for their nobility, when they agree that the girls will be the first to perform. And we see how beneficial this affects their self-esteem and relationships in the group.

Going to school, a child moves to a different age category, becomes "big". This is a favorable moment for the further development of masculinity. Start accustoming him to make way for older people on the subway.

And how readily little boys, even a four-year-old small fry, rush to drag chairs! How happy they are when they are called strong men! Indeed, public recognition of masculinity is worth a lot …

Outdoor games

This is truly a problem, because not all families have apartment conditions that allow a child to saturate his physical activity. And adults are now very tired, and therefore cannot stand unnecessary noise. However, the boys just need to make some noise, and play pranks, and fight. Of course, not at night, so that they are not overexcited. And, of course, adults need to make sure that the boy's fuss does not develop into a massacre. But you cannot deprive children of the opportunity to throw out energy. Especially those who attend kindergarten or go to school. After all, many of them in a strange team are holding back with their last bit of strength, and if they are forced to keep pace at home, the guys will have a nervous breakdown.

Boys are generally more noisy and warlike than girls on average. These are gender features. And mothers should not stop it, but ennoble, elevate, elevate. Tell your son interesting plot twists and turns of the war game.

Romanticize her by inviting him to mentally travel back to the olden days, to imagine himself as an ancient Russian knight, a Scandinavian Viking or a medieval knight. Make him cardboard armor and a sword for this. Buy some colorful, interesting book or videotape that will make his imagination work.

Where does the hero live?

Speaking about the education of masculinity, one cannot ignore the question of heroism. What to do? It just so happened that the upbringing of boys in Russia has always been not just courageous, but truly heroic. And because we often had to fight. And because only very hardy, persistent people could survive in such a harsh climate as ours. Almost all Russian writers paid tribute to the theme of the feat. It can be said that this is one of the leading themes of Russian literature. Remember how much the heroes of the war of 1812 meant to Pushkin's contemporaries? And what fame the young Tolstoy won with his stories about the heroic defense of Sevastopol!

There is even a word in Russian that has no analogues in many other languages. This word "asceticism" is a feat as a way of life, a life identical to feat.

The memory of the heroism of our ancestors was passed from generation to generation. And each generation left its heroic mark in history. Times changed, some pages of the past were rewritten, but the general attitude towards heroism remained unchanged. The clearest example of this is the intensified forging of new heroes after the revolution. How many poems were composed about them, how many films were shot! Heroes and heroic cults were created, implanted, supported. The “holy place” has never been empty.

What was it for? - Firstly, the acquaintance of children with the exploits of their ancestors aroused in them involuntary respect for their elders. And this greatly facilitated the task of educators, because the basis of pedagogy is the authority of adults. You can equip classrooms with the latest computers, you can develop highly scientific, effective methods. But if the students don’t give a penny to teachers, there will still be no sense. In recent years, alas, many parents have been able to see this.

And secondly, it is impossible to raise a normal man, if you do not show him in childhood and adolescence, romantic examples of heroism. Look at kids about five or six years old. How their eyes light up at the word "feat"! How happy they are if they are called daredevils. It would seem, where does this come from in them? After all, now heroism is not held in high esteem.

Now it is much more common to hear that risking oneself in the name of high ideals is at least unreasonable. But the fact of the matter is that in such moments the mechanisms of the unconscious are turned on. A vague image of a real man lives in the soul of every boy. This is inherent in nature itself, and for normal development, boys need this image to gradually become reality, finding its embodiment in specific people. Moreover, it is important that the heroes are their own, easily recognizable, close. Then it is easier for the boys to relate them to themselves, it is easier to be equal to them.

And now, perhaps for the first time in Russian history, a generation is growing up that almost does not know the heroes of the past and has absolutely no idea about the heroes of our time. Not because they do not exist in nature. It's just that the adults suddenly decided that heroics were outdated. And they tried to do without her.

Now we are reaping the first fruits, and although the harvest is not yet fully ripe, we have something to think about.

Dad's savior - a prize

Several years ago we developed a heroism survey for teenagers. The questions are simple, but very revealing. For example: “Do you need heroes?”, “Would you like to be like any hero? If yes, then to whom? "," Have you ever dreamed of accomplishing a feat? " Until recently, most boys answered in the affirmative. Now more and more people write “no”.

In the last teenage group with which we studied, seven boys out of nine (!) Said that heroes are not needed, they do not want to be like heroes and they do not dream of a heroic deed. But the girls answered all three questions: "Yes."

Even a secondary school student wrote that if the world was left without heroes, there would be no one to save people. So the girls with the idea of heroism turned out to be all right. But this is some kind of weak consolation. We were especially impressed by the answer to the last question. If you remember, in the early 90s a ferry sank in the Baltic Sea. And during the disaster, a fifteen-year-old boy saved his father. Then they wrote a lot about this, and one of the youth newspapers turned to the boy with an appeal to respond - they wanted to present him with a prize. The idea of receiving a prize for saving our own father seemed so wild and immoral to us that we could not help but react. And they included in the questionnaire the question of the legality of awarding a person with a prize for saving the pope. A couple of years ago, almost all teenagers wrote that, of course, no prize was needed. And many explained: "The biggest reward is that the father survived." Now opinions are divided. In the already mentioned teenage group, the girls again answered normally, and the boys demanded awards. How do you like these defenders of the family and the fatherland?

Romantics from the high road

But on the other hand, the youthful craving for romance is ineradicable. This is an obligatory stage in the formation of a personality. If it is not passed, the person cannot develop normally. Moreover, first of all, oddly enough, it affects intellectual development, which is sharply inhibited. For oligophrenics, for example, the loss of the romantic phase is generally characteristic (one of the most famous psychiatrists, Prof. GV Vasilchenko, wrote about this).

So, rejecting real heroism, many teenagers are looking for it anyway. But only surrogates are found, as is irrefutably evidenced by the growth of juvenile delinquency. Having closed the teenage clubs, we simply pushed the guys out into the gateways.

And having canceled the game of Zarnitsa, they doomed them to a much more harmful and sucking mafia game. Which for many quickly becomes not a game, but a habitual way of life.

Well, and for the calmer, "home" guys, the rejection of the traditional orientation to heroism turned out to be fraught with the growth of fears. This means low self-esteem, because even little boys already understand that it is a shame to be a coward. And they are very painfully experiencing their cowardice, although sometimes they try to hide it under the guise of feigned indifference.

It is very characteristic that the guys who denied the need for heroism in the questionnaires, on the one hand, were terrified of the "cool" ones, and on the other hand, they imitated the one-celled heroes of American militants. And they named among the heroic character traits cruelty, intransigence to the enemy and the willingness to go to any lengths to achieve their goal. So just imagine what kind of men will surround us if this continues for another ten years.

Sometimes - though quite rarely - one hears: “So what? Let it be whatever you like. If only he stayed alive."

But a man must necessarily respect himself, otherwise life is not sweet to him. He can live without much, but without respect - no.

"Hooray!" - shouted my seven-year-old son, having learned that his older sister had a baby. “I was the smallest in our family, and now I am an uncle! Finally, they will respect me."

Even for a downcast drunk, the most important thing is to be respected. This is what, coupled with the drink, he is looking for in the company of drinking companions. And what self-respect can we talk about if a man is not able to protect his family and his country? If any bandit who knows how to shoot can dictate terms to him, and the girls contemptuously call him a coward?

"Chastity, honesty and mercy without courage are virtues with qualifications," said the American writer K. Lewis. And it's hard to disagree with this.

Sunflower effect

“Well, okay,” someone will say. - I agree, the boy should be able to stand up for himself. Let him be bold, but in moderation. And why heroism?"

But man is so constructed that his development is impossible without striving for the ideal. As a sunflower stretches its head towards the sun and wilts in cloudy weather, so a person finds more strength in himself to overcome difficulties when a lofty goal looms in front of him. The ideal, of course, is unattainable, but striving for it, a person becomes better. And if the bar is lowered, then the desire to overcome oneself will not arise. Why bother when, in general, I am already at the goal? When will it go down anyway?

For example, what happens if a child in first grade is not aimed at the ideal of calligraphy - calligraphy? If you let him write a hogwash, not especially trying? - As a matter of fact, we see the results at every step, because in many schools this is exactly what they did, deciding that there was nothing to spend six months on mastering the spellings,and it is better to quickly teach children to write without tearing. As a result, schoolchildren for the most part write like a chicken with a paw. Unlike their grandparents, who, even after a simple rural school, had quite a bearable handwriting.

Is it possible to learn a foreign language, if you do not focus on the ideal - to master the language perfectly, so that it becomes native? In fact, this ideal is almost unattainable. Even highly professional translators will somehow yield to a native speaker who has absorbed it since childhood. But if they do not strive for perfection, then they will not work as translators. They will remain at the level of people who can barely explain themselves in a store, and even then more with the help of gestures.

Exactly the same story happens with the education of courage. Not everyone can become a hero. But by initially lowering the bar, or even discrediting heroism in the eyes of a child, we will raise a coward who will not be able to stand up for himself or his loved ones. Moreover, he will bring an ideological basis under his cowardice: they say, why resist evil when it is inevitable anyway? And vice versa, if you “appoint” a coward as a hero, he will gradually begin to pull himself up in order to justify this high title. There are many examples, but I will limit myself to just one.

Vadik was terribly afraid of injections. Even when approaching the clinic, he would throw a hysterics, and in the doctor's office he had to be held together by two or three - with such force he fought off the nurse. Neither persuasion, nor promises, nor threats helped. At home, Vadik promised anything, but at the sight of a syringe, he could no longer control himself. And then one day it all happened again. The only difference is that dad, who met Vadik and his mom on the street, quietly said to his wife: “Let’s tell me that Vadik behaved heroically. Let's see how he reacts."

“Come on,” Mom agreed. No sooner said than done. Hearing about his heroism, Vadik was at first taken aback, but then, coping with amazement, agreed. And soon he sincerely believed that he calmly gave himself an injection! Parents chuckled to themselves, considering it just a funny incident. But then they saw that Vadik's behavior in the clinic began to change. The next time he went into the office himself, and although he cried, unable to bear the pain, the matter went without shouts and fights. Well, and after a couple of times I managed to cope with tears. The fear of injections was overcome.

And if the father had not appointed his son a hero, but began to shame him, Vadik would have once again become convinced of his insignificance, and his hands were completely discouraged.

All the good in me I owe to books

Books are still one of the main sources of transmission of traditions in Russia. Even now, when children began to read less. Therefore, any education, including the education of courage, is very important to produce on the basis of interesting, talentedly written books. There is a sea of heroic literature, all of them can not be counted. I will name just a few of the works. Boys of preschool and primary school age will surely enjoy The Adventures of Emil of Lenniberge by A. Lindgren, The Chronicles of Narnia by K. Lewis, and The Wind in the Willows by K. Graham.

The names of Soviet writers: Olesha, Kataev, Rybakov, Kassil, and others, and so on, are on everyone's lips. L. Panteleev has a whole cycle of stories about exploits. And the Russian classics paid tribute to the theme of courage and masculine nobility. In addition, our entire (and not only ours!) History is replete with examples of heroism. Moreover, examples can be selected for every taste.

These are the lives of saints and the biographies of great commanders, stories about the exploits of soldiers and the history of ordinary civilians, who, by the will of fate, suddenly faced the need to protect their homeland from the encroachments of enemies (for example, the feat of Ivan Susanin). So there is material on which to raise boys as real men. There would be a desire.

Tatiana Shishova, "Grapes" magazine, No. 1 (13) 2006