How do we hurt our children?

2024 Author: Seth Attwood | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 15:55

One psychologist said, “At every opportunity, take your child by the hand! Quite a little time will pass, and he will stop holding out his palm to you at all! Everything we do in the lives of our children returns a hundredfold. If a child grows in trust, he also learns to trust others, if the child is loved and supported, he himself becomes attentive and caring. But there are terrible mistakes that adults make under the influence of anger or indifference, without thinking how this can turn into a small child's soul …

We hurt our children very much when:

1. We don't understand. At the age of 13 I fell in love. Zhenya was an excellent student - smug and malicious. But it seemed to me that he was the ideal. However, the ideal paid no attention to me at all, and I cried. And my mother, trying to console me, carried complete nonsense: “What are you doing! This is so frivolous. Everything will pass in a year! " And I did not at all want my state of falling in love to pass. Then I saw the same picture in the film "You Never Dreamed of": - Mom, I love Katya! - Oh, don't be ridiculous. You will have a million of such Katya!.. - And why do you, parents, know everything in advance for us?

2. We do not support. Little Caruso came running from school in tears: “Mom! The singing teacher said that I had a voice - as if the wind was howling in a pipe! " “Well, what are you, son! Do not listen to anyone. You sing like the most beautiful nightingale in the world. I know that for sure! " It is scary to think that the world might never have heard the great tenor if it were not for this wise woman. Constantly tell your children: “You can! You can handle it! " - it is very inspiring.

3. Compare with other children. “Look how clean and tidy Anya is. Not that you are a pig! Sounds familiar? One thing I can’t understand: what do the mothers want to achieve by saying these words? In addition to hatred for Anya, it is difficult to evoke other emotions here …

4. We scoff. My little sister and I went to the store. The sister was 3 years old, her face was painted with green spots: she caught chickenpox. The saleswomen, who had nothing to occupy themselves, turned in our direction and giggled: “Oh, what a beauty came to us! Just look! Only one thought came to my mind: where could I get a submachine gun nearby and shoot them?..

5. We offend with words and deeds. In the 8th grade, I considered myself a completely adult and independent girl. Once we sat with my dad over geometry, which my brain completely refused to understand. And then dad in his hearts slapped me … on the pope! It was not so much painful as it was incredibly insulting! I haven't spoken to him for a long time. And he could not understand what had really touched me so much …

6. We shout and lose our temper. I remember in the hospital my neighbor, exhausted by the whimpering of her baby, grabbed him and started shaking and yelling: "What the hell do you want more?" I will never forget the huge, blue, horror-filled eyes of a toddler who did not understand what was happening. It seems that she herself was very ashamed later …

7. Ignore! And, believe me, this is the worst thing. The Japanese scientist demonstrated his experience with plants to the whole world. Three identical seeds were planted in three jars. Every morning, passing by the first can, the scientist greeted the sprout and spoke to him affectionate words. Before the second can, he shouted and called the plant offensive words. He simply ignored the third sprout: without looking, he passed by. It is not hard to guess what happened to the sprouts a month later. The first one spike with a juicy green color across the entire width of the window sill. The second is completely dry. And the third one is rotten! Children are also like green sprouts: over the years, parents reap only what they raised themselves!

Now look away from the monitor and introduce your baby. Here he clenches his plump fists, wrinkles his nose funny and smiles the full width of his toothless mouth. And in response, something big and tender unfolds in your chest. This baby loves you unconditionally: in any mood, with any gifts, simply because you are his mom or dad! And for this one smile you will give everything in the world! Remember this as often as possible and love your children!

How many times to repeat? WHY CHILDREN DO NOT HEAR US

“You have to repeat it a hundred times”, “like peas against a wall”, “until you shout, you don’t do it” - these phrases confidently occupy the first lines in the charts of parental complaints to a child psychologist. Why? “The biggest mistake parents make is that they try to give instructions to crumbs like little adults. But the “small country” has its own laws of perception, which must be taken into account if we want to be heard."

ERROR 1.

LACK OF VISUAL CONTACT

Toddlers only have flexible one-channel attention. This means that the child's brain is able to concentrate on only one task (for example, building a tunnel of chairs). It makes no sense to be annoyed that the kid, who is carried away by the game, "does not hear" you - he is simply not capable of this yet. Moreover, my mother’s words are coming from somewhere above, while “real” life passes here, under the chairs!

Work on bugs. Before giving instructions, you need to turn the attention of the little one to yourself. Squat down, look the child in the eyes (you can touch or take the hand). Address him by name: "Dasha, look at me", "Tyoma, listen to what I have to say," etc. It is useful to ask a kid older than 3, 5 to repeat what he heard. The tasks that you give to yourself are much more pleasant to perform.

ERROR 2.

A REQUEST CONSISTING OF SEVERAL

“Take off your boots, wash your hands and go to the table,” - in our opinion, the request is as simple as two or two. But for a child under 3, 5–4 years old, this is a rather complicated algorithm. Try to memorize the sequence without missing anything! Here is the kid and "stuck" in the hallway.

Work on bugs. Break down a difficult task into simple ones. Give the child only one short task, for example: "Take off your boots." Go to the next one when instruction # 1 is fulfilled.

ERROR 3.

"INDIRECT" INSTRUCTIONS

For example: "Will you sit in the mud for a long time?", "Do you like to walk with sticky hands?" “Kids understand everything literally,” says the psychologist. “It’s still difficult for them to guess that Mom’s question contains a guide to action.”

Work on bugs. It is worth remembering that the child is just mastering his native language. Therefore, all requests should sound so that they can be understood unambiguously.

ERROR 4.

POLYWORDS.

“Sasha, how many times can I tell you, don’t jump from the chair to the sofa! You have already forgotten how you cracked your nose, do you want to fall off again?.. and so on. " “It is clear that the parent who gives out“speech”is, as they say,“boiling over”and he wants to somehow stop the dangerous behavior of the child,” says the psychologist. "But listening to a long notation, the child only gets confused in words and forgets what, in fact, is it."

Work on bugs. Do not remind your child of "past" sins. There is no need to be frightened by the coming troubles. The kid lives "here and now", so an attempt to influence him with long explanations is pointless. It is best to say briefly at such a moment: "You cannot jump from a chair, it is dangerous." After that, you can turn the situation into a joke - for example, take the mischievous person from the chair and circle around, play airplanes. Or to switch attention - for example, to offer to compete, who is the best to jump over the sheets of paper laid out on the carpet. In short, find a safer outlet for the overwhelming energy of the baby. And the most important rule is that if you cannot change the child's behavior, change the circumstances that provoke the dangerous behavior. For example, move the chair to another room.

ERROR 5.

Scream

The child will ask for forgiveness, say that he heard and understood everything. In fact, he did not hear - it was not up to that. The main goal was to prevent punishment. In addition, screaming causes anxiety, fear. And fear reduces the ability to think. “Remember how you feel yourself if someone significant, for example your boss, talks to you in a raised voice,” the psychologist advises. - Surely there is a feeling that you are lost, as if you are "getting stupid"? The same thing happens with the child."

Work on bugs. The best way to keep your emotions in check is to be consistent. If the child realizes that there is no way to beg for an hour of sitting in front of the TV, he will stop ignoring the request to turn off cartoons.

ERROR 6.

EXPECTING IMMEDIATE BEHAVIORAL CHANGE

American teacher Mary Budd Rowe discovered during her experiments that children perceive what was said not as quickly as adults, but with a delay of several seconds. This is also because voluntary attention (that is, the ability by an effort of will to distract from the interesting in favor of the necessary) is fully formed in a baby only by the age of 6-7 years. This means that a child under six simply cannot quickly switch from what is interesting to him (for example, to carry stools on the floor) to what is “interesting” for you (to get dressed and go to the clinic).

Work on bugs. Give your baby a "temporary" supply. For example, it's time for you to go home, and the child can't stop playing. Agree with him how many times he can go down the hill before leaving home, then your request will surely be heard. Option: if the toddler "does not hear" that it is time to leave the cars and go to dinner, invite the cars to compete - who will get to the kitchen faster, etc.

ERROR 7.

SLAMED PLATE METHOD

Bad for a child, because he does not get used to independence. “Mom this time didn’t remind me that you need to wash your hands after using the toilet, which means you don’t have to wash them.” Bad for mom, because even the most patient person, forced to constantly be a "plate", is exhausted and may one day, because of a trifle, break into the baby - shout or spank.

Work on bugs. “Children have very developed visual memory,” says Oksana Lysikova, “therefore, reminder pictures work very effectively to master the regime moments. For example, in one and a half to two years, the baby is already able to learn that it is necessary to wash his hands in three cases: before eating, after "going" to the pot and after a walk. Hang bright pictures of these three situations in your bathroom and hallway. The child will willingly mark each hand washing with a bright circle or cross."

ERROR 8.

REQUEST- "DENIAL"

"Don't get into a puddle!", "Don't slam the door!" Children's perception “skips” the particle “not”, and the baby now and then perceives the parental prohibition as a tempting offer.

Work on bugs. Suggest an interesting alternative. For example: "Let's try to get around the puddle along this narrow curb" or "Can you close the door so no one can hear?"

ERROR 9.

PERMANENT SUPPRESSION

“As a rule, every now and then anxious mothers who are experiencing constant fear for the baby and cope with this fear with the help of overprotection,” the psychologist believes. - “Do not step in the mud”, “Caution, threshold”, “Stop, there is a dog” - and so on all day”. At some point, the child, tired of the pressure, begins to perceive mother's speech simply as a "background".

Work on bugs. Try to count how many times in an hour (for example, for a walk) you comment on the child. Which of these remarks might well have been avoided? Do not pull on him for any reason, but try to be there when the baby is active. Climb up the hill with him, go with the company to see what lies in the bushes, look at the dog together. The little one will surely "copy" your safe behavior.

ERROR 10.

INABILITY TO HEAR A CHILD

“It happens that a mother and a child spend the whole day together, but it is difficult to say that they have been together for a long time,” Oksana Lysikova believes. - For example, a baby wants to tell his mother something, from his point of view, very important about a pebble found in a sandbox. But my mother is carried away by a conversation with her friend: "Wait!" Or, on the way to the store, the toddler tells something with enthusiasm, mom absent-mindedly nods her head, lost in her thoughts."

Work on bugs. The child learns everything from us, including the art of communication. “It’s not so important how much time you spend with your baby, it’s more important how you spend it,” the psychologist believes. - Try to completely immerse yourself in the game for an hour or two, focusing only on communication with the baby. He will surely "get enough" of attention and want to play on his own, leaving you time for a conversation with a friend and for reflection. But the child, with whom they spend the whole day "close, but not together", gets used to "beg" attention with the help of pranks.

LEARN ANOTHER!

How to point out to the kid about mistakes without turning into a "saw"? You can delegate the authority of the "senior" to him. The first stage of learning something - for example, the ability to correctly cross the road or use a fork - should be passed by the baby's "understudies" - his favorite toys. With the help of your child, your task is to give the toys detailed instructions: “Are you chopping pieces of cutlets? Lower the fork with the prongs down. And to bring the puree to your mouth, turn the fork downward."

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