The story of a communal apartment (the tale is a lie, but there is a hint in it )

2024 Author: Seth Attwood | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 15:55

A chapter from the book by Andrey Zorin - Sinking the Icebreaker.

Actually (I state this with a slight envy), the text of this chapter was not written by me. Sadly, history has not preserved for me either the name of the author or the source. I remember that it was one of the Internet forums … either newcontinent.ru, or militera.lib.ru. But in any case, I hope that the author of the lines below will not resent me for using his work. So…

Maybe not in the subject, but in every joke - there is a grain of … jokes, and the rest is true. This article describes very well, in a satirical (or humorous) form, the relationship of European countries before the war, during the war and after the war.

The saga of a communal apartment.

And the pensioner kicks off the reels:

And lies, rests.

(M. Zoshchenko) (also an epigraph)

So, several neighbors live in a communal apartment, each with their own children and household members. Here are their names: Frenchman, Englishman (this one lives in a room with a personal exit to the stairs. He is guarded by a big evil black dog - the Lady of the Courts), German and Russian. The neighbors are all moderately malicious - they greet each other in the kitchen, do dirty tricks behind their backs, and therefore everyone tries to keep an ax at hand. The exceptions are the German, who, according to the results of the last Big Kitchen Makhalovka, by the general decision of the tenants (in fact, by the French and the Englishmen looking after the apartment), was forbidden to have an ax, as well as the Russian - he recently had a quarrel, because of which he had:

a) his wife left, taking with her almost all property, including locksmith and carpentry tools, b) some of the former relatives fenced off personal cells from his living space, moved into them and are now proudly called Independent Tenants - Pole, Finn, and the Baltic brothers (Lithuanian, Latvian and Estonian).

From the Germans left (or were forcibly resettled) Czech, Hungarian and Austrian. The Austrian used to live with a German, a Swedish family, but after the Big Makhalovka, the House Committee ruled that it was unethical. There is also a Romanian in the apartment (he claims that this is a surname, but the German secretly told everyone that this is a profession), an Italian and a Greek. A separate room is occupied by the Balkans, but it is better not to meddle there - there is a stormy disassembly going on all the time, and heavy objects are flying.

Sometimes a kind uncle, an American, drops by. The person seems to be not bad, with only one drawback - "taking on the chest", likes to speculate about morality, while putting his feet on the table. There is also a good-natured Moishe in the apartment. He does not have his own living space, so he periodically visits one or the other. There is no big harm from him, on the contrary, he likes to help with the housework, sewing up old clothes and sheets. True, it is difficult to endure him in communication for a long time, because he is a terrible bore.

Recently, however, the German has been spreading nasty rumors about him - that it was he who quarreled the Russian with his wife and the current lover of the Russian, Commune Gebuhovna Marks (a rare bitch, slob and rude) - his illegitimate granddaughter. True, not everyone believes this, for many know that she is the same Marx as Amenhotep, and her real name is Gorpina Zakizdyuk, and she is great-great-great-: in general, the great-granddaughter of Prince Kurbsky.

Russian leads an unhealthy lifestyle and is disliked by neighbors. He often knocks at night in his room, making it difficult for others to sleep. He says that he is trying to put things in order after the departure of "this Contra" (he is so about his ex-wife). Maybe it’s true: he doesn’t have a hammer, there’s no one to borrow (no one gives it), and often the knocking is interspersed with swearing words - apparently, trying to hammer a nail with a brick, he hits himself on his fingers. On the basis of his outcast, he gradually draws closer to the Germans. He often visits the Russian in the room with a locksmith's tool, supposedly to help with repairs. However, knowledgeable people already suspected that he was keeping the Big Ax, which had not been handed over to the House Committee, with the Russian, and for the tool provided to the Russian he was unrestrainedly practicing the use of the said Ax in the endless expanses of the Russian room. In theory, the Lookers (that is, the Englishman and the Frenchman) should deal with this, but they are always distracted by other things: either in the Balkan room they smashed their head, or the Pole, who went into a rage after half a bison, fought with a Lithuanian.

The Pole is generally a difficult neighbor - his self-consciousness has been sleeping for 200 years, and now, having woken up, he comes off to the fullest. Most of all he dislikes the Russian, and in the common kitchen, grabbing someone by the button, he often tells how the Russian grandfather kept him for 200 years in the mezzanine, tied up in a kayak cover. However, he does not like the rest of the neighbors either, believing that everyone owes him.

Hard times are coming - The company where all the residents of this apartment work is covered with a large copper dish. There is less money, relations in the apartment, essno, are heating up.

At some point, the German throws a public hysteria, announcing that someone allegedly stole his best dishwasher, and that he will not let himself be smacked anymore! After that, quite openly, an ax from the previously stored parts begins to get along in his room. An Englishman and a Frenchman don't give a damn about such a vicious violation of the status quo. Firstly, because they were taken out by households demanding funds, and secondly, because they are preoccupied with the idea of a fix to call to order the Russian knocking at night.

The German gradually regains his former ambition, restores the Swedish family with the Austrian, and carefully looks at the neighbors who stole part of his family property during the Great Makhalovka. Neighbors from these views are uncomfortable, they run to complain to the Frenchman and the Englishman. Those calm them down, give them valerian water to drink and promise that if only this one, then they: They will be a bastard - they will smear it on the wall!

Here a conflict is brewing - the son of Cech tapped a tambourine in the sandbox to the nephew of the German. The German immediately dismisses the feathers, demands an apology and their material confirmation - his old wardrobe, which Cech got when he sawed up his property. Zimes here is that this wardrobe, in fact, serves as the main element of the partition that separates Cech's closet from the German's living space. The Czech runs to whine at the Frenchman, who had previously promised that he would break anyone's mouth for Cech. A fight for the Frenchman - he has a hangover from the "Clicquot" and an attack of prostatitis. He offers to call the Englishman. Tom, too, these troubles are completely out of place - he is busy. Together they begin to convince Cech that shit is a question and why not give this tattered wardrobe to the German. To the noise, a Russian crawls out of his room, and offers to quickly poke a German together (he loves Czech - they are distant relatives, and Czech is kind and hard-working). It is popularly explained to a Russian that well-mannered people will figure it out on their own, but he'd better stop knocking at night - and he leaves offended. As a result, the Czech with a sigh gives the wardrobe to the German, and the latter, satisfied, drags it to the opposite end of the room, thus eliminating the delimiter. During this procedure, a Pole unexpectedly flies into Cech's closet, waving his grandfather's saber, grabs a bedside rug and a chair, and, screaming that it has always been him, runs away.

After this rearrangement, the Czech is actually deprived of a separate living space, on his territory the Nemets are in charge, gradually driving the unrequited Czech under the sofa.

An unpleasant thing turns out - the kindest Czech, it turns out, had a good collection of axes and a first-class locksmith and carpentry kits. Now all this goes to the German, and he, smugly glancing at his neighbors, openly plays with these wonderful things. The Pole becomes uncomfortable (according to the set of the atmosphere he had at one time, he is second in line for distribution), the Frenchman and the Englishman are beginning to feel sour too. As a result, the council decides to create the Anti-German Coalition, inviting a Russian into it for the masses. Partners go to visit Russian to discuss the details of the deal. He is in a friendly mood, sets the table and proposes a toast "To success!" As a result, the neighbors almost come to a consensus, but, what a bad luck! - At the Russian, the room does not border on the Germans, they can meet nose to nose only on the Polyak's living space. The Russian declares that everything is bullshit, just when the German climbs on the Pole, he must open the door to his room for him, the Russian, and the Frenchman and the Englishman will fall on the aggressor from the rear. But then the Pole, lifting his face from the bowl of salad, declares that the Russian is a bastard, that his grandfather … and that he might soon die, but "this pig" in his room in dirty felt boots - NEVER! Then he gets up, and, staggering, leaves, slamming the door with a bang. The remaining neighbors are still trying to persuade the Russian to the union, saying that the main thing is that he should sign the paper on the union, and they will provide where he can fight with the Germans. But the Russian ends the negotiations, closes the bottle and puts it in the closet and offers to meet the next day sober. Knowing him, we can assume that this is a bad sign!

And rightly so - the next day it turns out that the Russian has already managed to talk to the German. In the end, the two decided that:

a) Russian Pole - on a drum, and Nemets can spread it on bread if he returns part of Polyakova's living space, grandmother's chest of drawers and a vegetable chest of Karelian birch, stuffed by Pole during a showdown between the Russian and his ex-wife, b) Russian in general does not care about everything, but the Balts are its former territory and only HE is the owner there.

And the next night, the apartment is awakened by the sounds of a kneading machine coming from Pole's room. Interspersed with blows and angry muttering in German, one can hear Polyak's cries for help. The Englishman and the Frenchman run to their place for axes (not much, however, in a hurry) and after a while appear on the threshold of the German's room. Here they observe the following bleak picture: There is no Pole, only two feet sticking out from under the sofa in socks of national colors, one with a hole in the heel. In the corner, Moishe whimpers, who has suffered from both, and in the distance a Russian can be seen, dexterously pushing a vegetable chest into his room.

But the deed has begun, and the Englishman and the Frenchman begin a sluggish squabble with the German, standing in the doorway. Fighting for both is not strong, and they still hope that everything will somehow resolve itself. Then suddenly a Russian appears in the frame, smashing the walls of the cages of the Baltic neighbors into the trash, shouting that this is his, and he has paper, and dragging the screeching brothers to his mezzanine. The Englishman and the Frenchman, a little fucking with such impudence, are speechless, but by the way, the main thing for them now is to finish the showdown with the German without losing face. Here the Russian, seeing such a mood in the apartment, crawls out again, with a big ax, and goes straight to Finn's door, intending to "deal with the impudent chukhnoy" (Finn really spoiled his blood, but it was still not yesterday, so the pathos is clear played). But there is a bummer - Finn has strengthened the door immensely, and the Russian's ax is not so hot - dull, unbalanced and, in addition, poorly fixed on the handle.

Finn is brave, beckons the Russian from behind the door, offering "pooooooooooooooooooo!"

The Englishman and the Frenchman are distracted from the skirmish with the German, yelling at the Russian, threatening him with eviction and an article for hooliganism. But he went into a rage, hears nothing, and the door gradually begins to give in. Finn's tone changes, he offers the Russian world, "onko sinulla vodkaa" and generally find out what all the fuss is about? The Russian, too, is already tired, so he accepts the offer. As a result, it turns out that the cause of the conflict is Finn's rug, which has climbed dangerously close to the door of the Russian and grandmother's chest of drawers. The rug is pushed back, the chest of drawers is returned, it seems that the world has been restored, and then …! On the threshold of his room, eyes and teeth sparkling, a German, who has driven himself to a berserker frenzy, appears. Raising his ax, he rushes to the Frenchman. He tries to parry the blow, but his ax, decorated with the monogram of Grandfather Napoleon himself, suddenly breaks! Collectible weapons have been stored in inappropriate conditions in recent years - the ax handle has rotted, the blade has rusted and dull. Raking a mighty splash on the forehead, the Frenchman sees colored three-dimensional glitches, trudges to his room with difficulty, crawls under the sofa and remains there, in darkness, peace and quiet. From now on, his struggle with the Germans comes down to putting pushpins on the chair and on his bare ass (during intimate pleasures with the French wife).

The Englishman tries unsuccessfully to stand up for his ally, is forced to throw the ax and flee, shouting at the German "fu … shit!" The German tries to chase him, but is stopped at the Englishman's door by the Lady of the Court.

Actually, the tasks of the German to expand the living space are almost solved, he is ready to agree with the Englishman on the consolidation of the new status quo. But in response from the window one can only hear the proud: "Fu … you!", Singing "God saves the King!" and stones are flying from a slingshot. The German tries to use siege tactics, not letting the Englishman out of his room. However, an American periodically visits the Englishman as a neutral, carrying provisions, booze and stones in his pockets. In retaliation, the Englishman, in turn, sets his dog on Frau Nemets in the courtyard, preventing her from going to the store. As a result, the German is forced to exchange provisions (vodka and grandmother's jam) for instruments from the Russian. Angered, he decides to end the Englishman on his territory, but does not know how to neutralize the dog. As a palliative, he tries to throw stones at the Englishman. Both sides tear their panties and bras of their wives into elastic bands, and the bloody Battle of the Slingshots begins. After numerous casualties on both sides, it stops for a complete lack of results. Later, historians will find out that the German was closer to victory - he had more cowards left. But then he did not know about it.

The atmosphere in the apartment is getting heavy. Of the neighbors in the shared kitchen, in general, only Russian and German remained. And, despite the business cooperation, an unhealthy interest appears in the eyes of both. The Russian looks with dismay that he is left alone with the German, who is turning from a polite neighbor into a swaggering and spiteful fanfare before our very eyes. The Germans, on the other hand, fancied bad sounds from the Russian's apartment - this is how the ax knocks on a firm emphasis when a blade is thrust onto it. In an ordinary Russian fumes, in the morning, the German sees the foreign smell of English brandy. Sometimes muffled voices arrive at night, talking through the window. The nerves of both are strained to the limit:

The German is the first to break down - one morning, knocking down the door, he breaks into the Russian. And, here is the Asian deceit! - finds him among the numerous parts of the new axes, some of which have already been assembled. The Russian is a little discouraged - well, then immediately into a fight, not in a Christian way! And call it a goat? All the same, the Russian begins to vigorously brush it off, but the blades of the tools of labor and defense that he grabbed fly off the hatchets, and he is forced to retreat into the depths of the room. The German almost manages to drive the Russian under the sofa, but he manages to crack the German on the big toe with a hatchet already lying down. While the German is jumping on one leg and pouring donnervetters and nohan-mails, the Russian manages to get up, collect another ax (the details are thrown to him through the back door by the Englishman and the American), and tries to add to the German so as to knock him out with a guarantee. However, he was in a hurry, the German again drives him around the room and now presses him against the chest of drawers with grandmother's jam. However, the Germans are let down by greed - he grabs the largest can, exposing his unprotected fingers to the blow that immediately follows.

As a result of a series of battles, the Russian forces the Germans to the door. He has already acquired a properly assembled ax and acts with it quite professionally.

From the rear of the German, an Englishman and an American appear, shooting his back and sirloin with slingshots, and then rush to finish off the enemy with axes.

As a result, the German is driven under the sofa, the Frenchman is freed from under it, and at first kicks his enemy for a long time and with pleasure. Then everyone looks on to the destruction of the apartment, feverishly wondering what they are going to say to the landlord. It is by full consensus that Al-Qaeda is to blame. Further, by a qualified majority (against - one vote, from under the sofa), Nemets was appointed by Al-Qaeda. They explain to him that he has done so many things, including the cruel treatment of civilians, prisoners and Moishe (and this, unfortunately, is true), that al-Qaeda is like a runny nose before the guillotine for him. The German, groaning and scratching himself, agrees.

The events that have taken place are named after the Second Great Kitchen Mahalovka.

The dawn of a new peaceful life rises over the apartment.

Epilogue

Evona what!

(and this is also an epigraph)

Life gradually improved, although it was overshadowed by the rivalry between the Russian and the American, who actually settled in the apartment.

The American convinced almost everyone that it was his slingshot that made the decisive contribution to the victory over the Evil German. To prove it, he shot two films with his home video camera - "The Longest Elastic Band" and "Private Ryan's Slingshot" and demonstrates them to everyone. However, the most objective of his listeners nevertheless argue that the Russian also made some contribution to the victory, but only thanks to the sharp claws of the bitch Commune Gebuhovna, with which she clung to his sirloin when trying to retreat and hide. A film was also made about this - "Back behind the chest of drawers!"

Moishe finally received his own room as compensation for his suffering, but it turned out that there was a mistake in the documents and an Arab already lives in this room. The Arab intended to throw out the stranger, but Moishe, showing unexpected skill, nailed first to the Arab himself, and then to his numerous relatives, who came to the rescue. He suddenly liked to fight, he got himself a khaki pile and a camouflage tale. From time to time, putting on boxer shorts and tying a tale in the manner of a bandana, he chases an Arab around the yard, shouting "Azohan Wei!"

Russian flabby, aged and his children began to divide and sell living space. The Baltic brothers were the first to secede. To celebrate, they immediately announced that the Russian was a bastard, and during Makhalovka, he almost killed them with an ax, but a German saved them. Now the day of the big national holiday is appointed - the Day of Thanksgiving of the Good German For Salvation From the Wicked Russian. Particularly zealous people even offered to give the Germans schnapps to drink free of charge on this day as a token of gratitude. They were immediately noticed by more experienced relatives that they should not confuse the holy feeling of gratitude and despicable schnapps (especially free). To which the first objected that they meant, in fact, to take this schnapps from the Russian. This idea was recognized as not devoid of meaning and is now being discussed. A procedural question is being resolved - what if the Russian schnapps does not give it back?

And then a revolution broke out in Historical Science! The grand-nephew of the Russian named Vova-Rodent, accused of stealing jam and escaping to the Englishman, announced that everyone around was goats and suckers, and he made a Historical Discovery! He discovered that Al-Qaeda, it turns out, was not even a German at all, but a Russian. Here it is necessary to make a retreat. When the German was appointed al-Qaeda, the History of Conflict Guidelines (OPIC) were formulated along the way, mandatory for all tenants to study. According to the OPIK, before the conflict, no one had axes in the apartment except Nemets, who had gathered this ax at night secretly under a blanket together with his wife, disguising his evil intentions with sounds of an intimate nature.

So, Vova-Rodent's discoveries were based on the following evidence:

The Russian had an ax!

The Russian had NOT JUST an ax, but an OFFENSIVE ULTRA-PUNCHING AX WITH A SEPARATE HANDLE!

The Russian made an ax, instead of tightly hammering his door with a Special Impenetrable Shield! Vova swears that he simulated the situation on the Biggest Englishman's Calculator, and came to the conclusion that even a hundred unskinned ax handles scattered at the front door makes the room Absolutely Impenetrable for any aggressor.

The Russian is generally a goat, and he is to blame for any trouble!

Since the Russian in his excuses is trying to follow the main provisions of the OPIK, it turns out badly for him to argue, and in the courtyard Vova-Rodent is reputed to be a tough historian and a hard-core dude.

Allow me to lay out here a general outline of real events and intercede for the offended relative - the Russian.

For this I remain, sincerely yours, Ulk!