Duma commotion

2024 Author: Seth Attwood | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 15:55

Well, in fact: how can it be imagined that in the parliament of one people representatives of another people sit in the seats of deputies; Well, for example, the Chukchi would sit in the Kyrgyz Duma, and Kalmyks in the Armenian. And if one Belarusian got into the Georgian Duma, one could imagine what started here! Yes, then President Sakirashvili would jump from the fifth floor. There are things in nature that the human mind cannot perceive, but here - on you, wear them to your health: the Russians have somehow crept into the Israeli parliament. And not one or two, but all the parliamentary seats were taken!

At first, this news was perceived as an anecdote or as another absurdity that flew into the heated head of Zharkovsky, the most noisy and eccentric parliamentarian, but especially knowledgeable deputies took this information seriously, they framed it with details, named specific names, and others had already agreed before, that the newly elected president of Israel himself seems to be Russian too! And it soon became clear that he studied at some school on the outskirts of Ryazan, that his mother and father were originally Russian, and even in the past bastard peasants. The deputies went to see Shahin-Matser, the Duma's clever man, posing as a know-it-all, but he shrugged his shoulders and did not say anything - however, he soon said with a stamp of extreme confusion on his face that this terrible news was confirmed there … in the authorities.

Through his secret channels, Shahin asked the intelligence for accurate information, and soon he had a list on his desk that horrified the entire Russian Duma: seventy percent of the new members of the Israeli Knesset were Russians! Twenty-nine percent are “fifty dollars,” as the half-breed is called in Israel, and only one deputy is a pure Jew, not mixed with anyone. And even then the British intelligence found out that this pure Jew and not so pure, since he comes from the Khazars, ancient red-haired Jews who at the beginning of the last millennium lived in the Volga delta and raided Russia, trying to conquer it, and then throughout for centuries it mixed with the Don Cossacks, the peasants of the Volga region, the Kalmyks who lived in the vicinity of Astrakhan, and nowadays there is nothing left of the Jewish root in them.

It was still necessary to find out about the president, but this subject was so disguised that even the large council of rabbis, who had been in contact with him for a long time, could not notice even a small fraction of foreign impurities in him; he seemed to them even more of a Jew than they themselves, and therefore the rabbis backed down. And only especially cunning and nosy journalists, among those who lived in Russia and worked for Izvestia, spread poisonous rumors that Senya Uppercut, the newly elected President of Israel, was actually born near Ryazan into a large Russian family. He got his surname from his grandfather, who served as a groom for the master and occasionally and without occasion intertwined a word unknown to anyone in the village: uppercut. And there was also a sign that completely killed skeptics who did not believe in the Russian origin of the president: after drinking a glass or two of Moscow "Special" vodka, Uppercut sang, and certainly Russian songs. All these rumors were so incredible that the authorities did not dare to react to them for a while. And then Shahin-Macer, the only deputy in the Duma who did not hide his ancestry and was a bit of a Jewish nationalist, ventured to take a decisive step: he achieved the formation of a special commission. And the Duma, having provided this commission with extraordinary powers, sent it to Tel Aviv.

Vice-speaker Zharkovsky, or Zharik, as the Duma members called him, was appointed chairman of the commission. His deputy was the important and not very clear for everyone Nikodim Sklyansky, who called himself Kostya. Let no one be surprised that he was born Nicodemus, but was called Bones. In the Duma of this convocation, as, indeed, in all other convocations, many changed their names, surnames, and as for nationality, almost everyone had it under the heading “top secret”. Few managed to get to the bottom of the true nationality. And there were those who, when asked about the nationality of their parents, called their professions: the mother was an art critic, the father was a mine surveyor.

Let's just say here: the deputies did not like Zharkovsky, but they were afraid. There were few hunters to argue with him. Zharik knew how to present himself as important, venerable, he told everyone that he came from a hereditary family of lawyers. His grandfather was allegedly the prosecutor general of Poland for even three or four months. Well, and his grandson, by the sum of his knowledge and abilities, could plug the lawyer Padwa himself into the belt. But the main thing: Zharik had a magical influence on his colleagues. They were afraid of him. Sometimes he did not say anything to his opponent, but only turned a long, meaningful look at him - and he fell silent. And once, when his interlocutor did not want to concede in the dispute, Zharik splashed orange juice in his face, and spat in the other's eyes. True, this dummy in the past was a boxer and instantly threw his fist in the face of the offender. Zharik lost consciousness and did not breathe at all for four minutes.

But if we are already talking about Zharik, then by the way we will note: this man, who previously served as a legal adviser in some capital publishing house and received one hundred and thirty rubles a month, kept in himself a lot of mysteries, almost fantastic and even funny. Well, for example, unexpectedly for everyone, during the boiling disputes, he began to scream heart-rendingly: “Damned communies! You must be hanged! Everyone, everyone - on the rack!..”At the same time, he threw out his hand in front of him - a gesture that resembled either Hitler or Napoleon. But most often he took the pose of Lenin, speaking from an armored car or from the balcony of the ballerina Kshesinskaya. Then everyone who listened to him began to shiver. It got scary from these gestures, captured by many artists.

Let's be fair and note here by the way: although Zharkovsky was an unprepossessing peasant in appearance, raw and walked with his head thrown back on his back, and spread his legs to the sides in the manner of Charlie Chaplin, and many others will take him in common with the famous humorist, but by his talent to do evil he had no equal in the Russian Duma. You can even say that he had a devilish talent, akin to Satan, who could fight with God himself and even temporarily defeat him. He, like a fabulous serpent Gorynych with twelve heads, could burn cities and factories with a breath of fire, trample whole regions and regions of the once flourishing Russian Empire into dirt and dust.

At this point in my story, another reader may say: well, you, brother, are carried away, you greatly exaggerate the abilities of one person, even if he is a member of the State Duma, and I will say to this: it never happened! Not only am I not exaggerating, but I still don’t even find the right words to denote the troubles this former legal adviser of some supernumerary publishing house is doing. Well, here, at least take one example. The main destroyer of Russia, Yolzer, ran for a second term in the elections. And it was already clear that there would not be enough votes. And then Zharkovsky, and with him another contender for the presidency, General Gus, withdrew their candidacies from the distance and poured votes into Yeltser's basket. And the bumbo drunkard won. And all of Russia again plunged into darkness and poverty for four years. Well, so where is my exaggeration after that?..

And if this example is not enough, I will give another one. Then soon the communists, and along with them the Russian patriots, picked up some strength, strained themselves a little and went on impeachment, that is, they grabbed a fire-breathing twelve-headed monster by the tail and dragged him out of the Russian house. And they had already ripped off several of his heads, cut off several paws, and the doors of the house had already been thrown open to throw Yeltser into the abyss of history. And again the devil jumped out of the Duma ranks in the guise of a lawyer's grandson and shielded the enemy, and again Russia plunged into darkness and cold, again she resounded with the groan of dying old people and the cry of homeless children. Millions of unborn children, a million dying out a year, seven hundred thousand street children, tens of millions suffering from hunger and cold. Here is the power of Satan, fighting with God himself!..

There were proposals to examine Zharik with psychiatrists, but the wise and cautious speaker of the Duma, Rodent, who in the past worked as the manager of a vocational school in Lyubertsy, rejected such an offer. At the same time, he seemed to have noticed: just start here, and then they will examine the whole thought.

And the third vice-speaker, a blue-eyed blonde from Saratov Slippery Suspension, waved her hands: what are you, what are you! In no case!..

And yet the smartest idea was expressed by the deputy, a little inclined to humor and rubbing all the time near the speaker's table: Tail. He said: Fry should be sent to the Falkland Islands, let him brew a new conflict there between Argentina and England. Let's note here by the way: Tail is a wonderful surname. The most curious thing was that from the uninitiated in the Duma, no one can understand: this deputy's name or surname. Indeed: Tail! What nationality have such names found? But, of course, no one asked such questions, and soon they got used to it: Tail - and that's it! And it was precisely the circumstance that there was no explanation for this word that the person who bore such a name acquired a certain mystery and unpredictability. In all other senses, he was an unremarkable deputy: no one saw him behind the podium, he didn’t even give replies during meetings, but it’s a miracle: everyone knew him, and the other deputy, even though he had already spoken three times from the rostrum, couldn’t couldn't remember. One deputy with a Ukrainian surname blew up a grenade in his office in order to somehow light up, but after that he remained unknown. There is something to think about for political strategists, who from time to time are instructed to "spin" the next insignificance to seize some leadership chair.

There were other miracles in the Duma, but they were not so striking. For example, due to an oversight of the chairman of the election commission, Vishnyak-Shullerkovsky, two deputies of an indefinite appearance and some strange way of thinking leaked into the Duma: Vasily Ivanovich Ogloblin and Parfyon Andreevich Vezdekhodov. Ogloblin was bulky, like a wardrobe, and he walked heavily along the corridors of the thought and did not look at anyone. There was no vegetation on the head, and instead of the neck, like the fur of harmony, three weighty folds turned pink. But his hands were very special - they were long and powerful, and they were always put slightly forward, so that from all sides one could see pood, tightly clenched fists. He irritated Dumtsev and somehow acted badly on them; When they met him, they fell silent and stepped aside, glancing sideways at his fists. Vasily Ivanovich, of course, did not even think to put at least one finger on someone's head, but they were afraid. In all other respects, Ogloblin could pass for a normal person; however, one circumstance still hindered him: he always carried newspapers in his pocket - and so that they could see the names: "Tomorrow", "Duel", "Soviet Russia", "New Petersburg", "For the Russian cause", "Slavyansky alarm "," Patriot "and a small leaflet, published in St. Petersburg under the editorship of Shchekatikhin with the loud name" Fatherland ", and showed it to everyone. At the same time, with obvious triumph in his voice, he asked:

- Have you read it?

The man quickened his pace, and Ogloblin looked after him, shook his head and smiled.

It would seem to be nothing; just think, what a miracle: a person reads newspapers. Well, read it to your health! Nowadays there are many newspapers. For this, the democrats and their government imposed: pluralism of opinions, say what you want, and read what you want. But there is one unpleasant odor in Ogloblin's newspapers: they write about Jews. Of course, they also write about Russians, but few people are interested in Russians, but Jews … No need to write about them. And in vain Ogloblin buys only such newspapers, and puts them under everyone's nose …

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