20 witty jokes of Stalin

2024 Author: Seth Attwood | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 15:55

Comrade Stalin liked to joke. Appreciate your sense of humor

When developing the Pobeda car, it was planned that the name of the car would be Rodina. Upon learning of this, Stalin ironically asked:

- Well, how much will we have a Motherland?

The name of the car was immediately changed.

From the memoirs of one of Stalin's guards A. Rybin. On Stalin's trips, the security guard Tukov was often accompanied. He sat in the front seat next to the chauffeur and used to fall asleep on the way. One of the members of the Politburo, riding with Stalin in the back seat, remarked:

- Comrade Stalin, I don’t understand which of you is protecting whom?

- Is that, - Iosif Vissarionovich answered, - he also put his pistol in my cloak - take it, they say, just in case!

Once Stalin was informed that Marshal Rokossovsky had a mistress and that this was the famous beauty-actress Valentina Serova. And, they say, what are we going to do with them now? Stalin took the pipe out of his mouth, thought a little and said:

- What will we, what will we … we will envy!

Stalin walked with the First Secretary of the Central Committee of Georgia A. I. Mgeladze along the alleys of the Kuntsevo dacha and treated him to lemons, which he himself grew in his lemongrass:

- Try it, here, near Moscow, you grew up! And so several times, between conversations on other topics:

- Try it, good lemons! Finally, it dawned on the interlocutor:

- Comrade Stalin, I promise you that in seven years Georgia will provide the country with lemons, and we will not import them from abroad.

- Thank God I guessed it! - said Stalin.

Artillery systems designer V. G. Grabin told me how Stalin invited him on the eve of 1942 and said:

- Your cannon saved Russia. What do you want? Hero of Socialist Labor or the Stalin Prize?

- I don't care, Comrade Stalin.

They gave both.

During the war, the troops under the command of Baghramyan were the first to reach the Baltic. To present this event in a more pompous way, the Armenian general personally poured water from the Baltic Sea into a bottle and ordered his adjutant to fly with this bottle to Moscow to Stalin. He flew. But while he was flying, the Germans counterattacked and threw Baghramyan off the Baltic coast. By the time the adjutant arrived in Moscow, they were already aware of this, but the adjutant himself did not know - there was no radio on the plane. And now the proud adjutant enters Stalin's office and pathetically proclaims:

- Comrade Stalin, General Baghramyan is sending you Baltic water!

Stalin takes the bottle, twirls it in his hands for a few seconds, then gives it back to the adjutant and says:

- Give it back to Baghramyan, tell him to pour it where you took it.

Various people who happened to watch films with Stalin told me many episodes on this topic. Here is one of them.

In 1939, they watched "The Train Goes East". The film is not so hot: the train is going, it stops …

- What station is it? Stalin asked.

- Demianovka.

“This is where I'll get off,” Stalin said and left the hall.

The candidacy for the post of Minister of the Coal Industry was discussed.

The director of one of the mines, Zasyadko, was proposed. Someone objected:

- Everything is good, but he abuses alcohol!

“Invite him to me,” Stalin said. Zasyadko came. Stalin began to talk to him and offered him a drink.

- With pleasure, - said Zasyadko, poured a glass of vodka:

- To your health, Comrade Stalin! - drank and continued the conversation.

Stalin took a little sip and, watching carefully, offered a second. Zasyadko - a second glass, and not in one eye. Stalin offered a third, but his interlocutor pushed his glass aside and said:

- Zasyadko knows when to stop.

We talked. At a meeting of the Politburo, when the question of the minister’s candidacy arose again, and the proposed candidate was again announced about the abuse of alcohol, Stalin, walking around with his pipe, said:

- Zasyadko knows when to stop!

And for many years Zasyadko headed our coal industry …

One colonel general reported to Stalin on the state of affairs. The Supreme Commander looked very pleased and nodded twice in approval. After finishing his report, the commander hesitated. Stalin asked:

- Do you want to say anything else?

- Yes, I have a personal question. In Germany, I selected some things of interest to me, but they were detained at the checkpoint. If possible, I would ask you to return them to me.

- It's possible. Write the report, I will put the resolution.

The Colonel General pulled out a pre-prepared report from his pocket. Stalin imposed a resolution. The petitioner began to thank him warmly.

“Not worth gratitude,” Stalin remarked.

After reading the resolution written on the report: “Return his stuff to the colonel. I. Stalin , the general turned to the Supreme Commander:

- There is a slip of the tongue, Comrade Stalin. I am not a colonel, but a colonel general.

“No, everything is correct here, Comrade Colonel,” Stalin replied.

Admiral I. Isakov from 1938 was the Deputy People's Commissar of the Navy. One day in 1946, Stalin called him and said that there was an opinion to appoint him chief of the Main Naval Staff, which was renamed the General Staff of the Navy that year.

Isakov replied:

- Comrade Stalin, I must report to you that I have a serious drawback: one leg was amputated.

- Is this the only drawback that you consider it necessary to report? - followed by a question.

“Yes,” the admiral confirmed.

- We used to have a chief of staff without a head. Nothing worked. You just don’t have a leg - it’s not scary,”concluded Stalin.

After the war, Stalin learned that Professor K. had “built” an expensive dacha near Moscow. He called him to his place and asked:

- Is it true that you built yourself a dacha for so many thousand ?!

“True, Comrade Stalin,” replied the professor.

“Thank you very much from the orphanage to which you presented this dacha,” Stalin said and sent him to teach in Novosibirsk.

In the fall of 1936, a rumor spread in the West that Joseph Stalin had died of a serious illness. Charles Nitter, a correspondent for the Associated Press, decided to get information from the most reliable source. He went to the Kremlin, where he handed over a letter for Stalin, in which he asked: to confirm or deny this rumor.

Stalin answered the journalist immediately: “Dear sir! As far as I know from the reports of the foreign press, I have long since left this sinful world and moved to the next world. Since the reports of the foreign press cannot be disregarded, if you do not want to be deleted from the list of civilized people, then I ask you to believe these reports and not disturb my peace in the silence of the other world.

October 26, 1936. Respectfully I. Stalin."

Once foreign correspondents asked Stalin:

- Why is Mount Ararat depicted on the coat of arms of Armenia, because it is not located on the territory of Armenia?

Stalin replied:

- The crescent moon is depicted on the coat of arms of Turkey, but it is also not located in Turkey.

The People's Commissar of Agriculture of Ukraine was summoned to the Politburo, He asked:

- How should I report: briefly or in detail?

“As you like, you can briefly, you can in detail, but the time limit is three minutes,” Stalin replied.

The Bolshoi Theater was preparing a new production of Glinka's opera Ivan Susanin. The members of the commission, headed by Chairman Bolshakov, listened and decided that it was necessary to film the finale "Glory to the Russian people!": Churchliness, patriarchalism …

They reported to Stalin.

- And we will act differently: we will leave the final, and we will remove Bolshakov.

When they were deciding what to do with the German navy, Stalin suggested dividing it up, and Churchill made a counter-offer: "Flood." Stalin replies:

- So you drown your half.

Stalin came to the play in Hood. theatre. Stanislavsky met him and, holding out his hand, said:

- Alekseev, giving his real name.

“Dzhugashvili,” Stalin replied, shaking his hand, and walked to his chair.

Harriman at the Potsdam Conference asked Stalin:

- After the Germans in 1941 were 18 km.from Moscow, perhaps you are now pleased to share the defeated Berlin?

- Tsar Alexander reached Paris, - Stalin answered.

Stalin asked meteorologists what percentage of forecast accuracy they had.

- Forty percent, Comrade Stalin.

- And you say the opposite, and then you will have sixty percent.

During the war, Stalin instructed Baybakov to discover new oil fields. When Baybakov objected that this was impossible, Stalin replied:

- There will be oil, there will be Baibakov, there will be no oil, there will be no Baibakov!

Deposits were soon discovered in Tatarstan and Bashkiria.