Host in the house

2024 Author: Seth Attwood | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 15:55

At the time of creating a family, a man will have to seriously think about who he would like to be in a family "play" - a simple spectator, a puppet actor, an extra, a stage worker "where will they send", a cashier, an equal partner or a wise director-director who determines each family member his role and measure of influence on the course of the play.

The latter option is, of course, quite tempting. But it is impossible to appoint oneself as the head of the family, the role of "leader" must be won, how they win the love of their chosen one and how they win the respect of others.

What qualities does a man need so that he can become the head of the family? First of all, he needs to be imbued with the idea that it is the family that is the most important in his life, and only then career, business, favorite business, friends and hobbies. After all, if the family is not the main thing for you, then how can you be the main one in the family?

And all other qualities are covered by the concept of "willingness to take responsibility for the family." A man who has taken responsibility will not tell his wife: “deal with my mother yourself, I don’t interfere in women’s affairs”; will not start ranting about the "fruits of female upbringing" if there are problems with his son; donate, without hesitation, fishing, football, etc. for family needs; will not bring friends into the house when the refrigerator is empty; will not throw away an amount that is prohibitively large for the family budget on his whim; will not be afraid to admit his mistake; will not assert itself at the expense of the wife; will not offend her with jealousy; will not put in conditions under which she will turn to him for every penny; will not infringe on her rights, including the most important woman's right - to be weak.

A man who has assumed responsibility, financially provides for the family and tries to help his wife around the house; participates in the upbringing of children; stubbornly learns calm conjugal love, and does not seek on the side of the thrill; keeps all family members in sight and tries to pay attention to everyone. He is able-bodied and hardworking, because he has someone to live and work for; is responsible for his words, adheres to the agreement and fulfills the promise. He is confident in himself and his strengths, calmly follows the advice of his wife, if he considers them reasonable. Such a man is decent, because it is important for him that the children are proud of their father. He develops a strategy for the preservation and development of the family. The head of the family is a wise ruler of a small family state, who is not afraid to take on the burden of the most responsible decisions and at the same time does not shy away from "dirty work" in solving minor everyday problems …

Perfect option? Certainly. And it is quite normal if the ideal is unattainable for the majority. You should not be tormented by the fact that we do not correspond to them. Ideals are needed in order to know what to strive for, what to check the course of our development and how to educate our children - both at home and at school. The ideal is a guideline, a guiding star on the path of self-improvement.

To be a real head of a family, you need to be a real man. But not everyone has the same meaning in this concept. More than once I had to observe how the honorary title "real man" was awarded by women to ordinary-looking (at first glance!) And even puny men. This happened when they performed a courageous act, demonstrated decisiveness and endurance in critical situations, miracles of professionalism.

Many people think that the term "real man" includes pumped up muscles; the ability to "kick in the face"; rude manners; tendency to profanity; careless, slightly arrogant treatment of women; priority of male friendship; emphasis on their masculine abilities; the indispensable presence of "male vices" in the form of smoking, drinking, night parties, etc. This is a system of values from a transitional age, when external masculine attributes are important for young men for sexual self-identification. During this period, the main efforts of adolescents are aimed at appearing as men. Their courage is sometimes replaced by bravado, self-confidence - by boasting, and the inability to organize oneself and achieve a goal is covered by the "philosophy of indifference."

But all this is too small for a mature personality, the main criteria of which is the development of volitional and emotional spheres. You need to be a man, not appear to them. The will for self-organization and self-discipline, the will for everyday small victories over oneself, the ability to curb one's instincts and bad inclinations, to take responsibility for oneself - these are truly masculine qualities. Not all young men develop them in themselves. That is why there are men-boys with gray hair on their temples. The strength of the spirit is much more important for a real man than the strength of the muscles. Courage manifests itself in not being afraid of responsibility and not leaving it.

A real man will never be a tyrant in the family. Women are humiliated and suppressed by notorious, weak-minded men from those who could not assert themselves either in the professional or in the social sphere. As well as those who cannot forgive a woman, if she is at least somehow superior to him - she is more educated, smart, earns more. The simplest and most primitive is gender-based self-affirmation. It is unworthy and ashamed to pretend to be strong, humiliating someone who is weaker than you. Or even worse - someone who depends on you. Or completely disgusting - someone who loves you. A real man is confident, noble, generous and not petty, he does not suffer from doubts about his value, including for his family. It makes no sense for him to increase his self-esteem by humiliating others.

But in what way do men themselves see their role in the family? We conducted a blitz-survey in the closest male environment, and the majority of the respondents answered the same way: "To provide for the family financially." We don’t argue. This is very important, but the association with the old joke involuntarily arises: "A man is a male plus money." Many men in our time feel their inferiority from the fact that they do not provide enough (either in their opinion, or in the opinion of their wives) to provide a family. But "not enough" is a vague concept. Both a teacher and a millionaire businessman can suffer from a similar inferiority complex. It's not about the amount of money, but about the availability of an alternative value system, which is much more important than wealth. To be the ideologue of the family, a spiritual leader, to be able to stop a woman, and then children in the race for ever greater material wealth, is also the responsibility of the head of the family (of course, we are not talking about extreme options associated with the family's abandonment of basic life needs).

When asked what the role of the head of the family was, the answer of a 16-year-old boy was indicative: “Build everyone and provide money”. Unfortunately, this adolescent view of family leadership is fairly common among men. With this approach, a man acts as a kind of tyrant tyrant, and money is viewed as a kind of indulgence on the right not to delve into everyday problems, into the life of the family, not to share the worries and worries of his wife, not to satisfy (no, this is not about bed), first of all, her emotional needs. “What do you want from me, I bring money,” unfortunately, sounds in many families. But no money can buy off family responsibilities, all the more it does not compensate for callousness, mental deafness and moral stagnation.

A good husband is obliged not only to bring money into the house, but also to listen to his wife, share her worries, give her empathy, sympathy, attention to the smallest worries and pains. This does not mean doing something instead of her. Most likely, what lies in the sphere of purely female responsibilities, she will then do herself. But her husband's involvement in issues that are important for a woman increases her self-esteem, maintains her confidence in the importance of her role in the family, gives strength to fight the routine and gray everyday life. Men! It doesn't matter how often you get the opportunity to pay attention to your spouse. It could be just a couple of hours a week. But if a woman knows that at the first opportunity you will try to give her real, and not formal, attention, that your soul will respond to her joys and sorrows, she will patiently wait. After all, thirst is much easier to bear if you know that you are going to the source of spiritual communication. But it is unbearable if you are sure that you are in an emotional desert.

Family as the meaning of life - isn't it too small for a man who is destined to play the main role in society? Not at all. A good family man will be a good teacher, since ideals are not alien to him; a responsible politician, because he dreams of his children living in a civilized state; a brave warrior, for he has someone to protect. For a real man, the family is a kind of springboard, an airfield for spiritual and social take-off to creative activity.

Maria Kirilenko, Anna Yatsenko