Distorted values

2024 Author: Seth Attwood | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 15:55

Families with one or two children should be called small, and families with many children should be called normal. In a society infected with social parasitism, the opposite is true, and the main thing is that everyone perceives distorted values as the norm …

I went out to the store in the afternoon, my little one is running ahead. Towards an aunt of about fifty, curiosity and sympathy in her eyes. She caught up with me and asked: "Is that all four of you?" I answer with a smile: "No, what are you, not all." Auntie breathed a sigh of relief, smiled, and I continued: "Three more are now in school." Auntie nearly fainted …

We live in a world of stereotypes - they are familiar, understandable and easy to use. Like ready-made semi-finished products: I chose the right package, warmed it up, swallowed - and my head does not hurt. For example, if, when meeting you, you say: “I am 35 years old, I am a manager in a foreign company; I hate my work, but I get eighty thousand rubles a month, "- immediately get approval:" Wow, great, eighty thousand, and, probably, there is medical insurance!"

And if, under the same circumstances, you say: “I am 35 years old, I am a mother of three children, I do not work; I love my kids ", - they will certainly express sympathy to you:" Well-o-o … uh-uh … you are great; you are very tired, right? " Dislike of work is easily forgiven, three kids are not. Because getting tired, not getting enough sleep and being nervous at work is possible, necessary, and even prestigious. And spending the same resources on a home, family and children is not very good. Because children, children … And what are “children”?

These are nine months of burden, childbirth, sleepless nights, frequent crying of a small, demanding man. This is affection, constant control: where did he go, what he grabbed, whether he knocked over the ironing board, whether he brushed away the flower pot. This is a waste of time, money and - a great deal of difficulty - yourself. No salary and no social approval. That is, from the point of view of stereotypes, a mother with many children is an unhappy woman.

Well, really, unhappy. The arithmetic is very simple. We take a mother with many children and subtract - minus quiet time "for ourselves", minus a weekly beauty salon and a gym, minus salary and annual bonuses, minus communication with colleagues, minus professional development, minus cute trips to restaurants and cafes, minus freedom of movement, minus more much that remains … love.

But this is the most important thing! Without love, no matter how much you add, you still get zero. The familiar world of stereotypes is dull. There are two primary colors - black and white. With any mixture of them, you will not get anything except gray. Love gives us so many colors and colors, so many nuances and halftones. But in order to fill your life with love, you need to forget about stereotypes. At least the most common ones. Let's start with mothers with many children. So what do we know about them?

Of course, they get tired, sleep little and therefore look bad. And in this state they will live to the end of time - this is their sad fate. Probably, they have no money, because it is impossible to feed such a crowd with a regular salary. After all, a horde daily destroys a supply of food comparable to the needs of a small African country. They also do not have decent clothes, because we know how quickly children grow up, and clothes get dirty and torn. They also lack a good education, interesting rest, hobbies and hobbies, because, again, we know …

These were my thoughts on the topic "mother of many children" a year and a half ago - until I settled in the online community dedicated to motherhood. Then I was carrying my son and longed for "communication on the topic." The community of mothers with many children turned out to be one of the nicest collectives on the multimillion-dollar site. I was interested in every diary, every message. Within a few days, I was surprised to find that mothers of many children manage to do more with three or four or five children than I do with one pregnant belly!

Many mothers bought great clothes for themselves and their children, skillfully planned the day, took their children to mugs and sections, and could cook a delicious dinner in twenty minutes. Note that with absolutely average incomes. But the general standard of living was an order of magnitude higher than mine - the experience of managing a large family affected.

And also struck - how they adore their babies! Yes, “problem” babies who have colic, poor sleep and frequent tears. With great tenderness, many mothers wrote notes specifically about newborns - the very ones whom one mother calls "More-Never-On-Such-I-Don't-Decide."

Of course, it is the easiest thing not to make up your mind. I have acquaintances who did just that - they ran away to work as soon as the child was one year old. Not from want, not from home boredom, not from brilliant talents. And because you stay at home - you will get fat and turn into a nag, a big family - you can't afford it, it's better to give birth to one - and give him everything. And besides: you give birth to a lot - you will plow on them all your life.

On the same mom's website, it turned out that they feel sorry for large families. Compassionate aunties-grannies shamelessly ask: how are you, my dear, pulling everyone? And not that of offending, but out of interest and pity - to endure so many, to give birth to so many. And it's not enough to give birth - then you need to dress, feed, educate them!..

And they scold many people, but not old women, but women and men - the same as you and me. They scold in queues - because “I brought such a crowd to the store”, they scold in the children's clinic: “Where are you, woman, with your friends going forward?” (although many children have privileges for admission out of turn), they scold in the kitchen and on the Internet: “No, Vasya, can you imagine, these large families live at our expense: they have so many benefits, plots are free, all kinds of kindergarten circles, but our Petenke …"

Do not think anything bad. The story is not at all about how you treat large families and how many children to have - one or six. This issue is closed from public discussion. Probably, as much as there is - as much and good. And the point is not in quantity, but in relation to it. How is it that it is easier for us to condemn than to rejoice. Hit than hug. Bitter than cheer. Why is there a dislike for large families? Saving time in queues and hospitals? Excited about the targeted use of tax funds? Something I can't believe …

In my opinion, this is a complex of false superiority. We give birth to one or two maximum, we plow at work - often unloved, but what can we do - we “pull” a mortgage, loans, a car, everyday life, sections-circles-English for a child. Cargo being lifted by hard work. But this is still better, more correct, because decent money is needed for a decent life. We bend under the weight of worries, we almost bend over, but here on the playground - no, look - I gave birth to three, the fourth is pregnant and smiling!

Everyone has their own concept of a decent life. Someone has money, someone has children. And you can argue endlessly what is "right" and what is not very good. Each has its own story, its own experience.

Yes, and mothers with many children do not need reasoning. She needs warmth and support, because a large family is really difficult. It is very important that we could tell her from the bottom of our hearts: skip the line. Or smile. Or just ask: how to help? Without a touch of melancholy and pity. Well, if a big family - all of a sudden - touches you with something, please do not judge those who let love into their lives.

From the Internet diary of a mother of many children

Generation of women with distorted values

Have you ever wondered why it is so difficult for almost all of us to be constantly with children?

- Why are we drawn somewhere out of the house?

- Why, for the sake of publication, are we ready to give our children to other people for upbringing, people whom we do not know?

- Why are we more concerned with fashion and gossip than pedagogy and healthy eating?

- Why doesn't the family occupy the main place in our life?

- Why is our future and self-realization, our desires more important than the future of our children?

Now all these questions are from the category of rhetorical …

We do not know how to be happy mothers, wives, housewives, women … We do not see the point in devoting as much time as possible to children, to bake cookies every day, to wear skirts and dresses, to iron our husband's shirts, thinking about his life purpose …

We do not see any value or importance in this. Family, motherhood, devotion, sacrifice, femininity … Everything was devalued. Everything has lost its meaning.

Why did it happen?

Why do we rush to work, abandoning a child of one and a half to two years to some strange woman in kindergarten? After all, she will not love him. She will treat him like a base plinth in an electric lamp factory. For her, it's a conveyor belt. She will not even try to see the personality in this child. She will put pressure on him, demanding to be like everyone else, because she has 25 of them and there is no other way with them.

Once upon a time, about 30 years ago, our mother also sent us to kindergarten. The same aunt. A little weird. But there is nothing to do. I have to go to work. Only practically each of us was then about a year old. And we grew and developed not at home almost all this time … Or more precisely, 21 years - 5 years of kindergarten, 11 years of school and 5 years of university. All this time we were at home almost only in the evenings and sometimes on weekends. We were constantly in a hurry somewhere. We had things to do - matinees, classes, lessons, tests, tutors, exams, couples, term papers, diploma, work, courses …

We were told - study, otherwise you will be a housewife!

And it sounded so threatening that I really wanted to gnaw the granite of science with my teeth. After all, the main thing is a red diploma, a good job and a breathtaking career. Well, or at least just get a job somewhere, because you need to provide for yourself. How often did the whole family get together at the dinner table? Only on holidays.

How often did mom meet us from school? Usually we ourselves came home and warmed up lunch for ourselves, or stayed on after-hours. And in the evening, my mother, tired and embittered from endless troubles at work, came home. She didn't want to speak or eat. She asked about the grades (if she didn't forget), checked the lessons casually and sent everyone to bed.

Our parents didn't know us

They did not know anything about our inner world, about our dreams and aspirations. They only reacted to the bad, because they did not have time to respond to the good.

We didn't know them either. We could not recognize them, because we did not have time for long intimate conversations, for summer vacations with tents by the river, for joint games or reading, for a family trip to the theater or park on weekends …

And so we grew up. So we cultivated in ourselves some ideas and ideas about the future, about life, about life goals and ideas. And in our minds very little place was reserved for the family. Exactly the same as we saw in our families. After all, in order to fiddle with a child for a long time, to play with him, you need to love to do it. To constantly bake cookies every day and cook a lot of different foods, you need to love to do it. To spend time at home - decorating it, cleaning it, improving it, creating a cozy atmosphere, you need to love to do it. To want to live by the goals and ideas of the husband, to worry about him and his future, you need … to love your husband, and not just yourself next to him.

The main teacher in life

Mom instills all this in her daughter. She is her first and most important teacher. She indicates life guidelines. She teaches to love … her female mission. She explains the importance of being a wife and mother. She teaches to love.

And if the daughter practically did not see her mother, and if she did, then she did not at all inspire for family happiness, then how could she find it herself ?! We were doomed to lose our purity and love, because we were taught only how to make a career. We were taught that the word "success" has meaning only outside the home, only somewhere within the government walls.

And then we quietly cry over the ruined marriage (of which there are already), over the alienation of children and some strange feeling that someone once deceived us.

But there is always a way out

The way out is to learn. Learn to be a mother, wife, mistress, woman. Little by little … Learn to see everything with different eyes. Feminine, kind, loving … Learning to love. Learning to think not about work most of the day, but about your family. Learn to value family, husband, children. Serve them, help them become better, bloom like flower buds, warmed

our love.

We need to learn to smile at our children and husband, to hug them more often. We need to look deeper and understand that we are not just raising a person, we are shaping his inner world, his worldview, his life attitudes. Much of what he receives as a child will follow him throughout his life. And we need to make a brilliant career as a mother and wife. And even if we don't even try to climb this career ladder, disappointment will be an integral part of our old age. Because missed opportunities and rejected responsibility bear very bitter fruits in the future.

And it is important to remember that everything will bear fruit in due time. What will they be? Much depends on us. From our vector of life, from the values that we carry to this world … to the world of our family.

Natalia Bogdan