Why should fathers raise boys?

2024 Author: Seth Attwood | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 15:55

This phenomenon has gained momentum in the last seven years. A whole generation of young people has grown up who "want nothing." No money, no career, no personal life. They sit for days at computers, they are almost not interested in girls …

What to do for parents with teenagers who don't want anything

Why doesn't he want anything?

This phenomenon has gained momentum in the last seven years. A whole generation of young people has grown up who "want nothing." No money, no career, no personal life. They sit for days at computers, they are not interested in girls (perhaps just a little, so as not to strain). They are not going to work at all. As a rule, they are satisfied with the life that they already have - the parental apartment, a little money for cigarettes, beer. Not more.

What's wrong with them?

Sasha was brought to a consultation by her mother. An excellent 15-year-old guy, the dream of any girl: athletic, tongue hanging, not rude, lively eyes, vocabulary not like Ellochka the cannibal, plays tennis and the guitar. Mom's main complaint, just the cry of a tortured soul: "Why doesn't he want anything?"

Details of the story

What do you mean "nothing", I'm interested. Nothing at all? Or does he still want to eat, sleep, walk, play, watch a movie? It turns out that Sasha does not want to do anything from the list of "normal" things for a teenager. That is:

1. Learn;

2. To work;

3. Take courses

4. Dating girls;

5. Help mom with housework;

6. And even go on vacation with my mother.

Mom is in anguish and despair. A hefty man has grown up, and the use of him is like a goat of milk. Mom all her life for him, everything only for his good, she refused herself everything, took on any work, took to circles, drove to expensive sections, sent to language camps abroad - and he first sleeps until lunch, then turns on the computer and until nights in toys drives. And she had hoped that he would grow up and she would feel better.

I keep asking. Who is the family made of? Who makes money in it? What are their functions?

It turns out that Sasha's mother has been alone for a long time, divorced when he was five years old, “my father was just the same lazy person, maybe this is genetically transmitted?”. She works, works a lot, because she has to support three (herself, grandmother and Sasha), comes home at night, tired to death.

The house is kept by my grandmother, she is engaged in the household, and is watching over Sasha. Only the trouble is - Sasha completely got out of his hands, he does not obey his grandmother, he does not even snarl, he just ignores him.

He goes to school when he wants to, when he doesn't want to - he doesn't go. The army threatens him, but it does not seem to bother him in the least. He does not make the slightest effort to study at least a little better, although all teachers unanimously insist that he has a golden head and abilities.

The school is from the elite, state-owned, with a history. But in order to stay in it, you have to take tutors in basic subjects. And still deuces in quarters may be excluded.

She doesn't do anything around the house, doesn't even wash her cup after herself, grandmother has to carry heavy bags with groceries from the store with a stick, and then she carries food to his computer on a tray.

“What’s the matter with him? - Mom is almost crying. - I gave him my whole life …"

Boy

Next time I see Sasha alone. Indeed, a good boy, handsome, fashionably and expensively dressed, but not provocative. Something too good. He's somehow lifeless. Picture in a girls' magazine, glamorous prince, if only there was a pimple somewhere, or something.

He is friendly with me, politely, with all his appearance demonstrates openness and willingness to cooperate. Ugh, I feel like a character on an American TV show for teenagers: the main character is seen by a psychoanalyst. I would like to say something obscenely.

Okay, let's remember who the pro is.

Believe it or not, he almost word for word reproduces my mother's text. A 15-year-old boy says, like a schoolteacher, “I'm lazy. My laziness prevents me from achieving my goals. And I am also very unassembled, I can stare at one point and sit for an hour."

What do you want yourself?

He doesn't want anything special. The school is boring, the lessons are stupid, although the teachers are cool, the best. There are no close friends, no girls either. There are no plans.

That is, he is not going to make humanity happy in any of the 1539 ways known to civilization, he does not plan to become a megastar, he does not need wealth, career growth and achievements. He doesn't need anything at all. Thank you, we have everything.

Slowly, a picture begins to emerge, I will not say that it was very unexpected for me.

From about three years old, Sasha studied. First by preparing for school, swimming and English. Then I went to school - equestrian sport was added.

Now, in addition to studying at the Mathematical Lyceum, he attends English courses at MGIMO, two sports sections and a tutor. He doesn't walk in the yard, doesn't watch the TV set - there is no time. The computer, which my mother complains about, plays only during the holidays, and even then not every day.

Why doesn't he want anything?

Formallyall these activities were voluntarily chosen by Sasha. But when I ask what he would like to do if he didn’t have to study, he says “to play the guitar”. (Options heard from other respondents: playing football, playing on a computer, doing nothing, just walking). Play … Let's remember this answer and move on.

What's the matter with him

You know, I have three such clients a week. Almost every appeal about a boy between the ages of 13 and 19 is about this: wants nothing.

In each such case, I see the same picture: an active, energetic, ambitious mother, an absent dad, at home or grandmother, or a nanny-housekeeper. More often, it's a grandmother.

The family system is distorted: Mom takes on the role of a man in the house. She is the breadwinner, she makes all decisions, contacts the outside world, protects, if necessary. But she is not at home, she is in the fields and on the hunt.

The fire in the hearth is supported by the grandmother, only she has no levers of power in relation to their "common" child, he may not obey and be rude. If it were mom and dad, dad would come home from work in the evening, mom would complain to him about her son's inappropriate behavior, dad would poke him - and all the love. And here you can complain, but there is no one to do it.

Mom tries to give her son everything, everything: the most fashionable entertainment, the most necessary developmental activities, any gifts and purchases. A son is not happy … And over and over again this chorus sounds: "wants nothing."

And after a while my question starts to itch inside me: “When will he want something? If for a long time mom wanted everything, celebrated, planned and done."

That's when a five-year-old kid sits at home alone, rolls a car on the carpet, plays, growls, buzzes, builds bridges and fortresses - at this moment desires begin to emerge and ripen in him, at first vague and unconscious, gradually forming into something concrete: I want a big fire department car with little men. Then he waits for mom or dad from work, expresses his desire and gets an answer. Usually: "Be patient until the New Year (birthday, payday)."

And you have to wait, endure, dream about this car before going to bed, anticipate the happiness of owning, imagine it (still a car) in all its details. Thus, the child learns to contact his inner world in terms of desires.

And what about Sasha (and all the other Sasha I deal with)? I wanted to - I wrote my mother an SMS, sent it - my mother ordered it via the Internet - in the evening they brought it.

Or vice versa: why do you need this car, you haven't done your homework, have you read two pages of a speech therapy ABC book? Once - and cut off the beginning of the tale. Everything. Dreaming no longer works.

These boys really have it all: the latest smartphones, the latest jeans, trips to the sea four times a year. But they have no opportunity to just kick the bald. Meanwhile, boredom- the most that neither is creative state of mind, without it it is impossible to think of something to do.

The child must become bored and yearned for the need to move and act. And he is deprived of even the most elementary right to decide whether to go to the Maldives or not. Mom has already decided everything for him.

See also: What does the female upbringing of boys lead to

What parents say

At first, I listen to my parents for quite some time. Their claims, disappointments, resentments, guesses. It always starts with complaints like "we are everything to him, and he in return is nothing."

The enumeration of what exactly “everything is for him” is impressive. I’m learning about some things for the first time. For example, it never occurred to me that a 15-year-old boy could be taken to school by the hand. And until now I believed that the limit is the third class. Well, the fourth, for girls.

But it turns out that the worries and fears of mothers push them to strange actions. What if bad boys attack him? And they will teach him bad things (smoking, swearing with bad words, lying to his parents; the word "drugs" is often not pronounced, because it is very scary).

Often such an argument sounds like "You do understand what time we live in." To be honest, I don't really understand. It seems to me that times are always about the same, well, except for the very difficult ones, for example, when the war is going on right in your city.

In my time, it was mortally dangerous for an 11-year-old girl to walk alone through the wasteland. So we didn't go. We knew we didn't have to go there, and we followed the rules. And the maniacs were sexy, and sometimes robbed in the doorways.

But what was not there was a free press. Therefore, people learned the crime report from their acquaintances, according to the principle "one grandmother said." And as it passed through many mouths, the information became less intimidating and more blurry. Alien abduction type. Everyone has heard that this happens, but no one has seen.

When it is shown on TV, with details, close-up, it becomes the reality that is here, nearby, in your house. You see it with your own eyes - but admit, most of us have never seen a victim of a robbery ourselves?

The human psyche is not adapted to the daily observation of death, especially violent death. It does severe injury, and modern man does not know how to defend himself against it. Therefore, on the one hand, we seem to be more cynical, and on the other, we do not let children go outside. Because it's dangerous.

Most often, such helpless and lethargic children grow up with those parents who from early childhood were independent. Too grown up, too responsible, left to their own devices too early.

From the first grade they came home on their own, the key is on a ribbon around their neck, the lessons themselves, to warm up to eat, at best, the parents in the evening will ask: "What have you got with the lessons?" For the whole summer, either to the camp, or to my grandmother in the village, where there was also no one to follow.

And then these children grew up, and perestroika happened. Complete change of everything: lifestyle, values, guidelines. There is something to be nervous about. But the generation has adapted, survived, and even became successful. The displaced and diligently unnoticed anxiety remained. And now all in full fell on the head of the only child.

And the charges against the child are serious. Parents completely refuse to acknowledge their contribution to his (child's) development, they only bitterly complain: "Here I am in his years …".

“At his age I already knew what I wanted from life, and in the 10th grade he was only interested in toys. I have been doing my homework since the third grade, and in the eighth grade he cannot sit down at the table until you let him by the hand. My parents didn’t even know what kind of math program we had, but now I have to solve every example with it”

All this is pronounced with the tragic intonation "Where is this world heading?" As if children should repeat the life path of their parents.

At this point, I begin to ask what kind of behavior they would like from their child. It turns out to be a rather funny list, sort of like a portrait of an ideal man:

1. To do everything myself;

2. To obey unquestioningly;

3. Shows initiative;

4. Was engaged in those circles that will be useful later in life;

5. Was empathetic and caring and was not selfish;

6. Was more assertive and punchy.

At the last points, I'm already sad. But the mom who makes the list is also sad: she noticed a contradiction. "I want the impossible?"She asks sadly.

Yes, it’s a pity. Or singing or dancing. Either you have an obedient excellent botanist who agrees to everything, or an energetic, proactive, punchy C grade student. Either he sympathizes with you and supports you, or silently nods and walks past you towards his goal.

From somewhere came the idea that by doing the right thing with the child, you can somehow magically protect him from all future troubles. As I said, the benefits of numerous developmental activities are very relative.

The child skips a really important stage in development: play and relationships with peers. Boys do not learn to invent a game or activity for themselves, do not open up new territories (after all, it is dangerous there), do not fight, do not know how to gather a team around them.

Girls do not know anything about the "women's circle", although they are doing a little better with creativity: nevertheless, girls are more often sent to various needlework circles, and it is more difficult to "hammer" the need for social communication among girls.

In addition to child psychology, from old memory, I also study the Russian language and literature with schoolchildren. So, in the pursuit of foreign languages, the parents completely missed their native Russian.

The vocabulary of modern adolescents, like Ellochka the Cannibal, is within a hundred. But they proudly declare: the child learns three foreign languages, including Chinese, and all with native speakers.

And children understand proverbs literally (“It’s not easy to catch a fish out of the pond” - what is this about?”-“This is about fishing”), they cannot do word-form analysis, they try to explain complex experiences on the fingers. Because the language is perceived in communication and from books. And not during lessons and sports activities.

Read also: High School Fully Focused on Girls

What children say

This is not a first grader's text. This is the 9th grade students say.

Look, complaints can be divided into two categories: violation of boundaries (“checks the portfolio, does not allow me to put on what I want”) and, relatively speaking, violence against the person (“nothing is allowed”). It seems that the parents did not notice that their children have already grown out of diapers.

It is possible, albeit harmful, to check the pockets of the first graders - if only in order not to wash these pants along with the chewing gum. But for a 14-year-old person it would be good to enter the room with a knock. Not with a formal knock - he knocked and entered, not waiting for an answer, but respecting his right to privacy.

Criticism of the hairstyle, a reminder "Go wash yourself, otherwise you smell bad", the requirement to wear a warm jacket - all this signals the teenager: "You are still small, you have no voice, we will decide everything for you." Although we just wanted to save him from colds. And it smells really bad.

I cannot believe that there are still such parents who have not heard: for a teenager, the most important part of life is communication with peers … But this means that the child is out of parental control, the parents cease to be the ultimate truth.

The creative energy of the child is blocked in this way. After all, if he is forbidden to want what he really needs, he gives up desires altogether. Think how scary it is to want nothing. What for? They won't be allowed anyway, banned, explain that it is harmful and dangerous, “go do your homework better”.

Our world is far from perfect, it is really unsafe, there is evil and chaos in it. But we somehow live in it. We allow ourselves to love (although this is an adventure with an unpredictable plot), we change jobs and housing, we go through crises inside and out.

Why then you don't let your kids live?

I have a suspicion that in those families where there are similar problems with children, parents do not feel their safety. Their life is too stressful, the level of stress exceeds the adaptive capacity of the body. And so I want at least the child to live in peace and harmony.

A baby does not want peace … She needs storms, accomplishments and feats. Otherwise, the child lies down on the sofa, refuses everything and ceases to please the eye.

See also: From boy to man: secrets of parenting

What to do

As always: discuss, make a plan, stick to it. First, remember what your child asked before and then stopped. I’m quite convinced that an hour-long daily “absolutely useless” walk with friends is a prerequisite for the mental health of a teenager.

You will be surprised but meaningless "Bastard in the box"(watching music and entertainment channels) is a must for our children too. They go into a kind of trance, a meditative state during which they learn something about themselves. Not about artists, stars and show business. About myself.

The same can be said about computer games, social networks, telephone conversations. This is terribly infuriating, but you have to survive. It is possible and necessary to limit, introduce some framework and rules, but totally banthe inner life of a child is criminal and shortsighted.

If he does not learn this lesson now, he will cover it later: with a midlife crisis, moral burnout at 35, unwillingness to take responsibility for the family, etc.

Because I missed it. Went aimlessly through the streets. Didn't watch all the stupid comedies in time, didn't laugh at Beavis and Butt-head.

I know one boy who drove his parents to white heat by lying for hours in his room and banging a tennis ball on the wall. Quietly, not much. It was not the knocking that irritated them, but the fact that he was not doing anything. Now he is 30, he is quite a good man, married, works, active. He needed to be in his shell at the age of 15.

On the other hand, as a rule, these children are catastrophically underloaded with life. All they do is learn. They don't go to the grocery store for the whole family, they don't wash the floor, they don't fix electrical appliances.

Therefore, I would give them more freedom on the inside and limit them on the outside. That is, you yourself decide what you will wear and what you will do besides studying, but at the same time - here is a list of household chores, get started. By the way, the boys are great cooks. And they know how to iron. And the gravity is dragged like.