Formula of love for reasonable people

2024 Author: Seth Attwood | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 15:55

The author quite rightly notes that we are no longer animals in order to live by instincts and communicate on emotions. This does not lead to anything good. By connecting your mind to behavior control, you can keep your family and relationships alive …

Love Formula

I was already preparing the next article, but decided to interrupt. Some events that happened with one of my good acquaintances, and communication with him on this topic, prompted me to write this extremely useful (I hope) material. Perhaps, after reading the following, you will be indignant: "Where the hell have you been before?" At least, personally, my reaction at one time was exactly that.

So, here is a compilation of the texts of one book, plus a retelling of interesting thoughts that I met on the web, plus some of my own thoughts on the topic of relationships between men and women.

When I learned this simple information (which I will write below), my marriage was on the verge of collapse. At the very beginning of the relationship, there were no serious conflicts between my wife and me, and I sincerely wondered why some people from our circle of communication have mutual and deep feelings, I am not afraid of the pompous phrase, intoxication with mutual love, first turns into mutual irritation, and then and cold hatred. (Fortunately, it didn’t come to hatred for me personally).

But now, after years of living together, I got the impression that the other half responds to my love with their “dislike”, concentrated in her words and actions towards me. Sometimes it seemed to me that my wife was actually mocking me. Moreover, I try to do everything possible for her, I treat even better than to myself, and in response to accusations that I, in turn, mock her and do not love her. It's a farce of some sort. Irritation accumulated, scandals became more and more frequent, and even the children (although we tried not to conflict with them, you can't hide the sewing in a sack) with fear they asked us if we had decided to divorce …

And so one of his wife's friends recommended that she read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." And it really saved our family from destruction. This book was first read by my wife, after the very first chapters I heard from her that she loves me very much and asks to forgive her everything that was bad, and asked me to read this book myself. I did it, and now it was my turn to apologize and talk about love.

I was seized with indignation, why few people know about this information, why is it not widely promoted ?! “Such fundamental things should be taught in school! Parents must explain them! It's like not telling your child about pedestrian crossings and sending him to cross the street! - my wife and I wondered. Having cooled down, we realized that our parents and our school teachers, for the most part, both did not know about this, and do not know.

And again all sorts of conspiracy theories creep into my head, this time, a worldwide conspiracy against happy and strong families …

Maybe, of course, this information that shocked me is obvious to someone, someone will even say “This is a discovery for me, too! It's trite. Everything is clear to everyone. But for me personally, this was not clear at all. Having received this information, I seemed to have made an important discovery, learned a secret, the knowledge of which saved me from present and future misfortunes. Perhaps, the reader, the following lines will change your personal life for the better.

so

We all know that men and women differ from each other not only externally, but also emotionally, by the way of thinking, the arrangement of life priorities, and psychological needs. But we don't realize how deep this difference really is. In the above book, it is proposed to imagine a situation when men boarded a spaceship and flew to Earth from Mars, and women went to Earth from Venus in the same way. Each of the sexes lived their own lives, on their own planet, among the same as themselves, and, suddenly, they met on Earth, fell in love, they feel good together, even though they are so different.

BUT. They remained like aliens for each other. They draw conclusions in relation to each other, based on the thoughts and feelings of their "co-planets", without trying to understand the worldview and the line of reasoning of the partner. That is, they judge by SELF. This is the main mutual error!

It seems to people that the principle of a kind and conscientious person "do not do to others what you do not want to be done to you, but do to others what you would like for yourself" is universal. This is so, but only in human terms. And if you use this principle in the relationship between a man and a woman, nothing good will come of it, believe me.

Verbs and adjectives

Example 1

The woman is doing some housework. A man is sitting on the couch, reading a newspaper (or, in a more modern version, news on a laptop). The woman wants him to help her, but does not ask him about it.

The man does not react in any way to her efforts. She brings her occupation closer to him, so that he can see how hard it is for her, for naturalness she begins to grab the lower back, groan or somehow demonstrate that it is hard for her. The man looks up from the news, asks "Do you feel good?" Then you can already imagine the dialogue that will follow.

- What do you think?! How can I feel if I work from morning to evening, and you won't even get up from the couch and help !!!

“Well, you’re not asking for help. I asked for it - I would have helped.

- I still have to beg you for this ?! You must figure out for yourself that I need help, and not sit here!

- How am I supposed to guess? Am I a telepath or something ?!

- Are you blind ?! Can't you see it yourself ?!

….

And rushed

Example 2

The man is doing some housework. The woman comes up and offers her help.

“No, don’t. I can handle it myself.

- But this can serve?

- Not.

- But this can bring?

- Do not.

- Oh, come on, I'll hold it here.

- Move away, please, don't bother me. Do you have any business of your own?

- Why are you talking to me like that? I want to help him, and for this I am also to blame? Ungrateful!

- For what to thank ?! For the fact that you bother me and endure my brain all the time ?!

….

And again a scandal

But in fact, both wanted to show love to each other (no kidding), they treated the other as they would like to be treated.

For a woman, offering her help means showing concern, understanding, love. And when she receives an offer to help, she feels that this care and attention is shown to her. She does not want to ask for help herself, because she knows how and loves to guess the emotions, mood and needs of others, so she expects the partner, in turn, to guess her needs. Even if she later says “No, I’ll manage it myself,” the very fact of the offer of help will be very pleasant to her.

For a man, to offer someone unsolicited help means to offend that person. If a man really needs help, he will ask for it. And if a man does not need help, but he is offered it, then he is insulted by doubting his ability to complete any task on his own. Like, you can't even drive a nail in, let me help you. If you can't paint the barn properly, let me help. If you can’t screw in the light bulb and not fall, let’s hold the stool. Let me help you, you careless fool. This is how a man perceives when he is offered uninvited help.

How it was necessary to act.

In example 1.

- Honey, can I help you?

- Yes, help me, please, or - No, thanks, I'll handle it myself.

And when she does everything, the man tells her how good she is, or what a wonderful housewife she is, etc. Praise not what she does, but praise her herself, how beautiful she is. The woman will be very pleased to hear this.

Or another option:

- Darling, help me, please. I can't do it without you.

- Of course, darling!

After helping:

- Thank you, dear, without you it would be very difficult for me, you helped me a lot.

The man is proud that his work is appreciated. And I am ready for new achievements for the good of the family.

In example 2.

While a man is working, a woman should not even approach him. No offers of help, let alone criticism. When he is done, he will say:

- Honey, take the job!

Here a woman should admire the results (even if the fruits of labor are not as professional as she would like), point out the shortcomings very carefully. Otherwise, the next time a man will feel insecure. The motivation to do something in the future will be seriously reduced.

Example 3

- Darling, can you clean the bathtub?

- I can.

And here are several options for what the man will do.

A. He will clean immediately, but he will be annoyed that the woman doubted his ability to do such a simple thing as cleaning the bathtub. (Women, I'm serious - this is how men perceive the word "can").

B. Because of harm, postpone cleaning until the next reminder. For your information, he was just insulted.

Q. By answering “I can,” he has already confirmed his ability to do so. When, after a while, the wife asks: "Why don't you clean?" He will answer: "And you did not ask." Such a slow-witted type of men also occurs, and he will sincerely wonder why his wife is angry in response to his behavior - he answered the question. And there were no instructions or requests.

And the point is this: "you can" for a woman means a polite accent, a direct request seems too rude to her. A man, on the other hand, perceives a direct request normally, and a veiled one through "can" as an unpleasant hint of incapacity.

The woman in example 3 should have said:

- Dear, clean the bath ("please" if you want to be so polite)

- I'm going … I cleaned it.

- The bathtub shines with whiteness! You did everything at the highest level!

The husband is pleased with the praise for his actions and is ready to do something else useful.

Why are men's and women's reactions to the same situations so different? It's all about the different perception of ourselves.

Ask a man what “I am a good man” means for him, he will answer: “I can do this, I solve such and such problems, I achieve such and such results”. A man thinks of himself in actions that he may or may not perform.

The woman, in turn, will explain "I am a good woman" not with verbs, but with adjectives: "I am beautiful, I am caring, I am smart."

Now it is understandable why for men “you can not, you can”, and for women a bad characterization, like “you are a careless mistress”, are terrible insults?

Console or advise

Example 4

The woman had some kind of trouble. The situation does not require a solution or it has already been resolved, but the woman needs to discuss this situation, she needs to get sympathy. This will give her confidence that she is understood, loved and appreciated.

The woman begins to talk about the situation to her husband. And in response, she receives recommendations on what she needs to do to solve this problem or prevent a situation in the future.

The woman did not receive sympathy and is angry with her husband. The husband does not understand what else she needs from him, he has just resolved all the questions and gave all the necessary advice, and in response, not only did he not receive gratitude, but on the contrary - dissatisfaction. And the man was also annoyed. And again another scandal.

Example 5

The man got into trouble (for example, at work). He will not tell his wife about it, because the masculine style of solving problems is different - solitude and reflection, looking for solutions in a calm atmosphere, without unnecessary discussions.

And at this time, the wife sees that he is feeling bad, and tries to "blab" him. It seems to her that her husband is dissatisfied, including her personally, and therefore is silent and withdrawn into himself. As a result, he believes that she prevents him from thinking about solving the problem, she shows misunderstanding. And the wife, in turn, believes that he rejects her support, participation and manifestation of love, not responding to her attempts to start communication.

Or, on the contrary, if a man really needs the help of his wife (since he himself did not figure out what to do), then he will tell her about the problem and will expect her advice on what to do. In return, he will receive hugs and “How they don't appreciate you. You are so good. Don't worry, everything will be okay. " The woman believes that she showed her love with these words and helped him a lot. And a man will take it as a mockery - for once, he asked "What to do?" from his wife, and in response he received “you are good” and “everything will be okay”, and nothing concrete. Rest assured, he will never ask her for more help.

Women are much more social than men, more knowledgeable in social relationships. Establishing new and maintaining old contacts is a women's sphere. Apparently, it happened in ancient times. When men went hunting or to fight with neighboring tribes, women stayed in a cave, settlement (etc.) with the rest of the women, children and the elderly. Therefore, different qualities were subjected to natural selection. Men received honor and respect for strength, courage, the ability to act in cold blood in dangerous moments. Women, on the other hand, had to communicate with each other in order to resolve the inevitable conflicts in everyday life, to be able to guess moods and emotions, in order to know whether it is dangerous or not to interact with others at one time or another.

Now you have already guessed that the husband in example 4 should not have tried to “solve problems” (unless you were explicitly asked about it, for example, “what should I do?” In women most often means “I feel bad”, and not an appropriate question), but just hug his wife, pity her and express his sympathy and love, and the wife in example 5 had to leave her husband alone until he thought things over carefully and came out to her to discuss the situation. It is with a careful attitude to his solitude that she will best show her understanding and love (according to her husband).

Perception of their achievements

Men and women sometimes tend to think: “I do so much for him / her, but he / she doesn't appreciate it,” adding virtual bonuses to themselves and comparing them with the same bonuses of their half (but not at all equivalent, as it turns out).

Well, for example, the husband provides his family with money (+100 in his opinion, he works so hard and tries to make a career in order to make good money), he also gave his wife a bouquet on March 8 (+1) and a ring for her birthday (+10, expensive after all), but yesterday I made breakfast while she slept (+1). In total, he counted 112 points for himself!

The wife's thoughts on this matter are: all husbands provide for their families, mine is no worse than others (+1); he rarely pays his attention to me, but only a bouquet for March 8 (+1, like all wives on this day) and a birthday ring (+1, although the ring is not bad, but I hinted to him that I have a phone already old and buggy - it would be better if I gave a new phone), but the fact that I felt bad and slept for a long time on Sunday, and he got up earlier and made breakfast for me, for this +10. In total, the wife gave her husband 13 points. So, between the 112th and 13th the difference is almost 10 times!

And now it's the other way around. My wife thinks: I keep the house clean, cook, take care of the children - I am a wonderful housewife, and I also have time to work, albeit part-time (for all this I +100), gave him shaving foam on February 23 (+1), and for his birthday she presented him with a beautiful and expensive tie (it took a long time to choose, +10), and even yesterday she supported him in a dispute with a neighbor about parking (+1 for sure, my husband was not quite right).

And what is the opinion of the husband? All wives create comfort and take care of children, mine is no worse than others, she wanted to go to work,I didn’t ask (+1), she gave me something there on February 23rd (I don’t remember anymore, +1), but for my birthday I was waiting for a set of tools, even showed her in a hardware store, like, look, how cool set, but she did not understand the hint and presented another tie, already half a wardrobe of these ties (+1), but the fact that yesterday she supported me in a dispute when I was wrong is a fine fellow (a man is pleased to think that with the rear everything is reliable, the family in any situation will be for him, this is +10). In short, the situation is mirrored. The difference in valuation is exactly the same.

Naturally, when these two views of mutual "achievements" collide, dissatisfaction with each other arises. I do everything for him / her, but he / she does not appreciate …

What advice can be given, in addition to being more attentive to the needs and hobbies of your loved ones?

Men, giving a bouquet of flowers or buying their wife favorite sweets for tea a couple of times a week, you will not spend a lot of effort and money, but the result will exceed all your expectations, your wives will feel much happier from the attention they receive regularly than even from a very expensive present once a year.

Women, constantly show your husband your faith in him, your support, and you will always be the only one and beloved for him.

Man's attention

Male mindfulness has one very interesting characteristic. That which is static, that which does not change over time, falls out of the male sphere of primary importance. Perhaps this feature arose in ancient times, the landscape is not important for hunting, the main thing is to notice the prey moving behind those stones in time, or, on the contrary, to notice a dangerous predator (so to speak, a hunter for a hunter) in the tall grass of that glade.

Women get annoyed when a man looks for the right jar on the shelf for a long time among a dozen similar jars or does not notice his socks under the chair. But in fact, men do not scoff at you, women, it is really difficult for them to do this, the jar or socks do not move …

Most women subconsciously feel this masculine feature, so they make themselves new hairstyles, buy new outfits, in general, periodically change their image in order to maintain attention to themselves, as well as imitate the transformation of themselves into that beauty from the cover of a fashion magazine. Now I will explain why such transformations are needed.

It's all about the instincts we inherited from our distant evolutionary ancestors. In this case, it is a matter of the reproductive instinct, which is expressed in the distribution and preservation of its own DNA.

The problem is that this instinct pushes men and women to completely opposite actions, men to spread their genetics to as many beautiful (that is, healthier and evolutionarily adapted) women; and a woman - to get genetic material from the strongest and most aggressive (that is, evolutionarily winning) man, and then find a reliable and caring father for future children - it's good if it is the same man, but not necessarily.

And only the feeling of love, as well as the human mind, help to keep the ancient instincts in check. They say that only he became a real person who can control his instincts. And if instincts control you, then you are just an ordinary animal, albeit with brains.

So, a woman, changing outwardly, supports the passion of her husband. Last week he had a blonde wife and now a brunette wife! The repressed instincts are satisfied without destructive, anti-family "outside activities" and towards mutual harmony.

But what a man should do to deceive the "bad" instincts of his wife …

Macho and mattress

Many husbands can recall moments when a wife tries to piss him off for no good reason at all. At first, the assaults seem to be not so aggressive, and then they become harder and harder and turn into obvious insults, well, completely from scratch, a huge elephant is molded from a fruit fly. And the woman tells her friends something like the following: "I don't know why I pound him like that, but he annoys me by not reacting in any way, not yelling at me, not hitting the table with his fist, but blows everything away like a rag!"

This is especially manifested during and immediately after pregnancy, the man thinks - all the hormones are hitting her in the head, I will not argue with her, I will simply not say anything, because now she should not worry - something else will happen to the child or the milk will disappear. And is silent. And then she gets used to such psychological pressure from her side and keeps silent further. And then it only gets worse.

So what's the deal?

And the point is again in the ancient, primordial instincts. A woman often does not understand herself, and cannot explain, if someone asks, why she "takes out the brain" to her husband in reality. When a couple meets in his youth, he "hooks" her with his masculinity, the then dangers in his life made him a real man in her eyes, he fearlessly drove a motorcycle, fought for her at a nightclub, rafted down mountain rivers with friends, walked with with a knife in my pocket and the like.

But then they began to live together, registered family relations, gave birth to children. And the woman herself forced him to settle down, they say, “What kind of mountaineering can be ?! You have a child and me! I don't want to be a widow! Choose: either we, or the mountains!”, Or she said something like that about his other male hobbies.

If for a woman such a phrase is just an emotional exaggeration, for a man it is not. He, being in love for his wife and child, commits a kind of small suicide - he erases part of his personality, part of his masculine nature, for the sake of his family. Then he erases another part. Then another. And now he is already the dean of the family (work in the office, then home and on the sofa). He may be playing "Tanks", indulging his masculine nature with virtual adrenaline, but from the point of view of his wife, playing on the computer is quite safe. And so - it happened, the wife seemed to have achieved what her instinct told her - she turned the "irresponsible youth" into a caring father of her children, obedient to her in everything, and you don't even have to be afraid that some other woman will take him away from her (well, who needs such a mattress).

And then the fun begins

On a subconscious level, a woman suddenly realizes that next to her is a complacent lump, and not a biker from her youth, from whom she was crazy. Ancient instincts ask her: "Will he now be able to protect you and the children in case of danger?" and turns on the woman's regime called "Check his aggressiveness." She makes a test run over his pride. In response, nothing. A more serious hitting follows. If nothing else, there will be continuous arrivals and "sinking". Up to the status of another child in the family - be silent and do what they say. A hundred years ago, men from the common people in the case of such behavior of their wives diagnosed "a woman is making a fool", and advised, at least, to hit on the forehead with a spoon (just for the sake of healing).

Now this is not accepted, modern society condemns domestic violence. So how should a man react if everything has already gone this far?

Men, never try to argue with arguments and logic, women are more attentive to details, they remember a bunch of small incriminating evidence on you, the flow of which will flood those two or three large "shoals" left in your memory behind her. Men do not tend to pay attention to little things and remember them.

In such a situation, down with logic, men, we act emotionally. You need to be aggressive. Scream back at her. Punch a hole in the wall with your fist, break the TV remote in half, or do something equally aggressive. And then hug her with the words "You shouldn't have pissed me off …" The woman will immediately feel better, she has already checked and made sure that her man is still a "real dangerous type." And everything will be fine - until her next "call of instincts."

But how can one do without such excesses at all?

Quite simply, you have to be doing something really dangerous, and so that she knows about it. If you work as a police officer or serve in the army, then you do not need to do anything additionally, the main thing is to fight off her attempts to transfer you to a calmer job. And if you are an office worker, then get a gun license and go to the shooting range, buy a motorcycle and take part in night races, start going to the martial arts section. In general, come up with something that clearly confirms your masculinity in the eyes of your spouse. And then you will never make your woman worry, “So I find fault with my husband, but I don’t know why,” and you yourself will not fall under her emotional rink.

And if you remain a "mattress", you will be left by your wife exactly at the moment when some macho turns his attention to her. And even, perhaps, common children will not interfere with her decision, they say, "you have become a completely different person, I fell in love with something different." And then, most likely, she will try to make the "new macho" a "mattress", there is nothing to be done, these are instincts.

This, of course, does not apply to intelligent women who know how to control their own instincts, keeping them in check, but there are not so many such superwomen, no more than truly intelligent supermen. As any child wants to become an adult rather, so we must strive to constantly improve our intelligence.

Emotion level

It is also very important for mutual understanding to be aware of the different levels of emotions experienced by men and women. Of course, there are no rules without exceptions, there are also very emotional (for example, in terms of anger) men, and very calm, stress-resistant women. But for the most part, the difference between the average level of experienced emotions between men and women is obvious to everyone.

Often we consider each other as emotionless robots and illogical hysterics, starting from our own level of emotionality. That is, we judge our half by ourselves. And this is not necessary.

Biologists believe that the level of human emotionality directly depends on the amount and composition of hormones released into the blood by the pituitary gland (a small, about a centimeter across, gland located on the lower surface of the brain).

In women, this gland is larger in size than in men, and during pregnancy it increases even more, and afterwards it remains so. On average, the female pituitary gland is about twice the size of the male. This is due to the fact that the pituitary gland of a woman produces hormones not only for her body, but also for the body of a bearing child. It is the increased production of hormones that is responsible for women's emotional outbursts, especially during her “special days”.

Men, do not try to condemn a woman's emotionality. This is nature - nothing can be done about it.

Women, do not even dream of turning men into the same emotional ones as yourself, you will clearly not like the result.

An enlarged pituitary gland provokes inappropriate behavior due to hormonal disruptions. Recent studies have shown that, for example, in homosexual men, the pituitary gland is enlarged several times. Therefore, the desire of a man for a man should be considered not licentiousness, but a serious deviation from the norm.

An enlarged thyroid gland can be seen with the naked eye, and an enlarged pituitary gland can be seen only on a tomogram, but this does not mean that in one case it is a disease, and in another it is a “personality trait”.

In the last article I wrote about how emotions interfere with logical thinking and mindfulness. In a calm state, women are much more attentive, it is easier for them than for men (remember? For men, what does not move is not very important) to perform the work of a cashier, accountant, clerk and other tasks that require attention to detail and perseverance. But, as soon as a woman experiences stress, emotions overshadow everything.

This is why, for example, there are very few women airliner pilots, even in strongholds of tolerance such as the United States or Europe, despite the pressure of feminist organizations. During checks on flight simulators and flight simulators, it was revealed that women sometimes more attentively than men follow the readings of the instruments, make more correct maneuvers, but only until an emergency is triggered for the test subjects - engine failure, landing gear non-release, etc. And then there is panic, emotional overload, illogical actions cause a "plane crash" and the exam fails. I dare to suggest that in women who have successfully passed such exams (in those units of them that have been tested by stress), the pituitary gland does not exceed the size of the man's pituitary gland.

So what's the conclusion?

Be more tolerant of each other's different emotional levels. Try to understand each other. In case of mutual problems, do not accumulate grievances, but look for solutions on how to overcome these problems. In our age, the age of the Internet, knowledge is easy to obtain - there would be a desire.

Advice to you, yes love!

Read the book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus