What do women regret after forty years?

2024 Author: Seth Attwood | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 15:55

This research will be more useful to those who are twenty, thirty today. Because I myself am now thirty, and I understand this is the "golden time". Time, after all, is an exhaustible resource, and each age has its own purpose.

There is an age to learn, there is to get married, there is to give birth, there is to raise children, there is to do something good in the world, and there is to pray. And 30 years in this regard is the age for almost everything.

Judge for yourself - health is still there, not worried. There are many forces, there is energy, optimism. There is already independence from parents and a certain inner maturity - you can no longer prove anything to them. There is an understanding of what I want, what I like. That is, I already know myself - at least a little. I can still bear children. I have a head on my shoulders - I’m already thinking about the consequences of my actions. In general, I can and can do a lot of things.

But there is a paradox - when a lot of things are possible, it is easy to get lost in all the diversity. The choice for a woman is generally a terrible thing. How to prioritize? What's the best thing to do at thirty? Build a career? Running around the stadium? Give birth to children? Doing charity work? And what can be postponed for later? Then I will go to church? Then I will learn to cook? Then see the world?

Actually, understanding all the hardships of choice at such a golden age (although each age has its own advantages), we conducted a study.

• We have questioned (at the time of writing the review) 1966 women whose average age was 46, 7 years old.
• There were 16 main questions.
• It was possible to mark several options, so in total it turned out more 7,500 replies.
• Among the respondents there were those who are 38-39, and there were also those who are 69-78.
• Thanks to all those who shared their opinions, stories and thoughts with us.
• We had to filter out a little more those who are under 40 - and even close - fortunately, there weren't many of them.

So we asked women what they regret now in their thirties. What they would do differently, what would they advise others. And based on the results, we got such a TOP-5.

5th place

Regret that she did not strengthen relations with her husband - 601 people - 30% of respondents

Indeed, this is common in the world. Children are born, there is work, plans, a lot of energy. And it is forgotten that there is still a husband nearby. Who needs our love, who also wants a little of our care, and who also needs our trust and admiration.

Subsequently, all at the request of the workers - and difficulties, and lack of money, and the nineties, and so much trouble and personal grief. Many at that time could not cope with life circumstances. I was lucky enough to stay on my feet, perhaps because of my small stature and strong figure, mental strength.

Therefore, to all young girls and young women, I wish you fortitude, faith in yourself, and most importantly, not to be and not to strive to be a lonely and self-sufficient lady. Girls, it's better to be a wife and a mother than to be a good worker. Work will not embrace and someday will throw you overboard, there are many of us there. There is nothing better than a family, better than children and grandchildren, and of course, a reliable loving husband. I always dream of uniting everyone in pairs, I know a lot about being alone and I don't wish it to anyone! Be loved and happy, love yourself!"

4th place

Regret that all the energy was spent on work, and there was no time for loved ones - 674 people 34% of respondents

This is a typical situation of the time when it was a shame not to work, to be dependent. And kindergartens, extended care, camps were in the order of things, were considered a huge boon for everyone. Women were building BAM, a career, a bright future.

Although now the situation is not much different - the percentage of working married women is now even higher. Women are now doing business, and building a career, and getting a lot of higher educations. To be independent, self-sufficient, to provide yourself and your family, your children with everything they need - and even beyond that. Buy an apartment, a car, a summer house, rest, a lot of toys …

Is it correct? Are we missing something, most of the day being in the office, without our loved ones, outside our home? It turned out that many women regret that they did not see how their children were growing up, that they could not be with them. Some initially set priorities differently, some decided to change this order of things already in the process, and some realized the consequences only much later.

Irina, 62 years old

If I knew how my love can protect my baby in the fight against the system, I would just do that. As it turned out, my daughter, going to grade 1, could not protect herself from the first teacher (the class was ballet, and she beat her children with her head on the desks, and this is the city of Kharkov, and not some kind of village). I found out about this today when my daughter told me after 6 months of sessions with a psychoanalyst. I would never know."

For me, this topic is very relevant, and I keep thinking about how not to go too far, how to distribute forces. The most important question that I ask myself is - if I do this and this - what will my children do? I remember my childhood too well. My mother raised me alone, she studied and worked. Therefore, I often spent the night with friends, my mother's friends took me from the kindergarten. Once they even forgot to pick it up - and I still remember that evening. And at home I was unbearably lonely and sad. I missed my mother very much at that time. And for my children, I try to do it differently. To be near, to be with them.

3rd place

Regret that I did not travel much and saw little - 744 people - 38% of respondents

Strictly speaking, it is not too late here even at eighty years old. These are not children who have grown up and flew away, not the childbearing age, which has its limits. The problem is that in our country, upon retirement, we lose the opportunity to live and begin to survive. Our retirees do not travel around the world like German or American. Maximum - only to the country.

Therefore, for those who are retired here, it seems to me, two components are important.

• I have not traveled when I could make money for it, put it off.
• Now I could travel, but I have no money (and health) for it

Maybe that's why they didn't send us a single story about it. Imagine, out of 700 stories - not a single one about travel and countries. This makes me wonder how much this is still our desire, and not a vector of society.

And remember that 40 years is not a pension yet - you can do everything! Children have grown up, if any. And there are still opportunities - and here everything may be ahead!

Traveling is not necessarily far, long and expensive.

2nd place

Regret that she gave birth to few children - 744 people 38% of respondents and 113 more people regret abortions

There was no such item in the poll, but a lot of people wrote about it in stories - so I want to add here also - that they had an abortion. I do not want to quote many such stories here, they are almost all about one thing - an abortion made in youth, and then a long inability to bear and give birth to a child. There were more than 60 such stories; many simply added in the survey that they regret abortions.

And the point about the birth of a small number of children firmly took second place. Someone did not dare to have a second child, someone stopped at two, and some regret that they did not even give birth to one.

Although in fact, even here, different options are possible - at any age. If there is a desire and aspiration, there is love in the heart that you want to give to children …

1st place

Regret that she had thrown herself into the far corner - 998 people 50% of the respondents

Won by a huge margin. The undisputed leader of the poll. And very understandable. It is so typical for women to give. We are designed in such a way that it is easy and pleasant for us to give. We give life to children, we give our bodies to men, we give homemade food, clean linen … It's so easy to play with it and be completely empty. It is so easy to chase after "goodness" and give always and everyone what they want. Completely forgetting about yourself.

It is safer - no need to refuse anyone, no need to offend or upset anyone. The only one who gets hurt is myself. And I can be patient. But one day it becomes unbearable from the fact that she has not done anything for herself in life. Or she did, but very little. Didn't follow my dreams, fulfilled someone else's. I didn’t take care of myself, and now it’s already “late” (although here this word - “late” is generally inappropriate!).

And this feeling can be very depressing - this is the "late" thing. Someone thinks that it's too late to go to the salon, if you've never been there, it's too late to start singing, dancing … But where is happiness then? Even if you have everything "as it should", this does not guarantee you happiness. If all this is not yours. If you didn’t dream about it, but did it only because it was necessary.

There were other things that women talked about. Many spoke out that it would be good to take care of health while it is there. This became especially true for those who are over 50 years old. Still, at forty, health is still there. Many wrote about the need to find your own path, and not make money with conventional professions. Many talked about how harmful habits are for women - smoking, alcohol.

There was one more category that we initially did not take into account in the survey. And there have been many stories and regrets on this topic. When we are over 40, our parents are over 60-70. And at this time they can leave the body or become very sick. So many women shared that they regretted wasting time on grievances against their parents.

I wish everyone happiness! I hope these stories can inspire you to change and live your life brighter!