Why are our children silent?

2024 Author: Seth Attwood | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 15:55

The tendency for the growth of such problems has been observed for the last 20 years all over the world. But if in the early 70s only 4% of children had such disorders, today the number of children with this diagnosis has increased almost sevenfold. With this trend, one of the most demanded professions will soon be a speech therapist-defectologist.

Speech is a necessary condition for the full development of a person, for it is not only a means of communication, but also a means of thinking, imagination, controlling one's behavior, awareness of one's feelings and oneself as a person. To understand the problem, it is important to know that speech can be active and passive. Active speech is directly what the child says, i.e. can say it out loud. Passive is expressed in the form of understanding someone else's speech, for example, you ask a child to give you a phone, and he gives you the phone, and not something else that is in his field of vision. It distinguishes a spoon from a fork, a chair from a stool, candy from a pencil, of course, provided that you yourself do not confuse the names.

In children, the development of active and passive forms of speech does not occur simultaneously. It is believed that a child first learns to understand someone else's speech, simply by listening to others, and then begins to speak himself. That is, his passive speech develops earlier. However, it should be borne in mind that already from the first weeks of life, the child recognizes the features of the mother's speech and already during this period learns to speak actively. Therefore, it is important to start talking to your baby as early as possible. Paradoxically, many parents do not consider it necessary to talk to babies without seeing a person in them and assuming, they say, they still do not understand anything, so why bother shaking the air at all.

Let's try to figure out what are the reasons for the delay in speech development, and why our children stubbornly "refuse" to talk to us.

A three-year-old baby is at the reception. Entering the office, he flies past me in the direction of the bright toy, without even stopping at me. It seems that no one but him is in the office. While the child is busy with the toy, he does not answer questions, does not react to stimuli, and even the mother cannot attract his attention with anything. But the kid got bored with the toy, and he, turning his gaze on his mother, said: "A-aa". Mom takes a bottle of compote out of her bag and hands it to the boy. He is satisfied. Only she herself knows what this "ah-aa" meant, but from the reaction it is clear that she "guessed". During the whole meeting, there were several more drawn-out vowels, to which the mother reacts instantly, like a magician, taking food, toys and other objects interesting to the child out of the bag. Soon the kid got bored with all these manipulations, and he draws on the already drawn-out loud "A-aaaa!" Mom reacts to this signal by removing the tablet from the bowels of the bag. From that moment on, the baby calms down, and nothing can be done to distract his attention from the cherished gadget. This is not a specific example, this is a typical case.

There can be many reasons for speech disorders, and delayed speech development is often the result of a whole complex of more or less correctable problems. But it is much more important to notice some inconsistencies in the earlier stages, and then many problems can be avoided.

The first thing I recommend is to test your child's hearing. In principle, for any problems with speech, a visit to the otolaryngologist will not be superfluous. I know of a case when a child's hearing impairment was discovered when he was admitted to school. Before that, a naturally capable boy had learned to read lips. The problem became clear when the articulation of strangers talking to him became very different from the articulation of his loved ones. The otolaryngologist may also find another problem - too short a frenum or too large a tongue, which can cause difficulty in speaking, as a result of which the child prefers to be silent.

A delay in speech development can also be detected by a neurologist. So you shouldn't skip planned trips to it within the recommended time frame. Remember that a person's speech begins to form from birth, and before the child utters the first word, his speech goes through stages of development such as humming and babbling. It is the absence of these stages that a neurologist can detect. There are cases when a delay in speech development "portends" other concomitant diagnoses - circumstances of birth, pregnancy, genetic disorders, pathological (increased or decreased) muscle tone, etc.

You should be aware that delayed speech development is one of the main signs of childhood autism. If a child has a lag in speech development and symptoms of a lack of desire for contacts, it can be assumed that this child is autistic. Such children do not smile, do not liven up at the sight of their parents, often do not look into the eyes. But you have no right to diagnose such a child yourself. Only a qualified child psychiatrist can diagnose autism. The psychologist also has no right to this, he can only assume, but for the diagnosis he will refer the child to the doctor. Going or not going to a psychiatrist is, of course, your choice, but in order to fully adapt the child to the conditions of real life, you will have to change your ideas about children in many respects, and therefore perceive reality fully.

Now about the "everyday" reasons for the delay in speech.

Let's call the first one - "soothing gadget". Of course, during that period of time, while the baby is holding the cherished tablet or phone, the mother has time to cook borscht, wash and hang up clothes, feed her little brother, dad and even walk the dog … life ", - not only problems with speech, he is uncoordinated, he has pronounced outbursts of aggression, problems with eating, falling asleep, he cannot calm down for a long time with minimal irritation. It is important to understand that the brain of a small person develops in a sequence that presupposes qualitative transitions from one stage of development to another, where each previous one is the basis of subsequent stages or stages of development.

Object-manipulative activity is the main one during infancy, followed by object-oriented activity. The child during this period develops through the study of objects from the world around him. And during this period, a real cube in the hands of the baby directly develops it. He can take it in his hand, in his mouth, lick it, throw it on the floor, knock it on another cube, etc. But the cube on the tablet screen does not have a set of properties necessary for the baby, and, naturally, cannot stimulate the development of the brain, give an understanding of the properties and qualities of objects. After all, the properties of all virtual objects are the same - a flat, smooth screen! And the pride with which parents brag to each other about how cleverly their baby is handling the tablet is an absolutely false message. Therefore, rule number one: up to three years - no gadgets! Computer games can be introduced into a child's activities only after he has mastered the traditional types of children's activities - drawing, construction, perception and storytelling. When the baby learns to independently play ordinary children's games - role-playing, manipulative, motor, logical.

The development of fine motor skills is a separate conversation. Many already know that the development of fine motor skills somehow miraculously affects the development of speech, and mothers with maternal zeal force babies to work with their fingers. Indeed, the human brain is designed in such a way that, in simple terms, the areas of the brain responsible for speech and fine motor skills are connected, and by developing one area, we stimulate the development of another. This, by the way, is often used in adults with brain lesions (strokes). During the rehabilitation process, they are advised to knit, embroider, sculpt, etc. But fine motor skills cannot be developed without developing general ones, and this is the child's ability to move dexterously and in a coordinated manner. For example, throw and catch a ball, jump, move your arms in sync, walk up the stairs and on the "curb" (children really love this very much!). Sometimes simple exercises for coordination of movements - sculpting, pencil drawing, buttoning, lacing - can seriously stimulate the development of speech. It is also important to understand the reverse processes: if the centers of speech and motor skills are so connected, then hitting the child's hands is strictly prohibited! Let us recall the Oscar-winning film "The King's Speech", where King George VI of England is experiencing great difficulties from stuttering acquired in childhood: his father beat him on the hands, retraining to write with his right hand, because the future king was left-handed.

Often, speech development, oddly enough, is hampered by a bilingual environment. A huge number of families in the modern world are made up of people of different linguistic cultures and are bilingual or multilingual. Children living in a multilingual family have peculiar features in the development of speech. But the normal development of bilingual speech will be formed provided that the child constantly hears this speech, and if he has no mental retardation.

It is believed that multilingual children master the pronunciation part of speech more slowly and also perceive sound combinations in the language more slowly. But, firstly, much depends on the peculiarities of the languages themselves: languages that are similar in grammatical constructions and pronunciation are mastered easier and faster than completely different ones (however, like adults). The greater the difference in the pronunciation of the same word in the language of the mother and father, the more difficult it is to master it. The child needs to learn not only the verbal name of certain objects, but also to correlate them in one and the other language among themselves. The process of mastering speech can be a little more extended in time, since the volume of assimilation of information is increased two to three times (based on the number of languages), but this does not affect the general mental and motor development in any way. But here the condition for the presence of a separate linguistic environment is important - each parent must speak with the child in his own language and not borrow words from another language. Simply put, the child should hear the reference speech from the parents, and not the surzhik, the child should always be "corrected" if, speaking in one language, he uses words from another. The conclusions in this matter are up to you.

And in the most surprising way, speech delay is manifested in children of hyper-caring mothers. Such mothers, being extremely perfectionists, simply do not give the child the opportunity to speak. They catch the baby's desires by the movement of his hand, a raised eyebrow or a deviation of the corners of the lips. And such a child simply does not need to speak! He is understood not even with a half-word, but with a half-letter! Anecdote illustrates the situation accurately:

One family had an only son who did not say anything. The boy was dragged to various professors and speech therapists, but they just shrugged and could not do anything. Time passed, the boy turned seven years old. One morning, when the whole family was having breakfast, he suddenly said clearly and distinctly: "Why is the porridge oversalted?" Parents ran around, fidgeted, asked: "Why didn't you speak before?", And he answers them: "So everything was fine before!"

Speech is an activity that has its own structure. And at the first stage, the NEED to speak is important. And it will not arise if the mother, at the first gesture of the child, gives him what he wants and works as a "translator" for the rest of the world. This situation is very convenient for the child, and the baby himself is unlikely to want to exclude this comfort, he needs to be brought from there to verbal communication by the parents. The child must realize that he needs speech, that without it he will not get what he wants.

Considering all of the above, you need to understand that whatever the initial problems of delayed speech development, the main reason may be that the parents themselves do not consider it necessary to talk a lot with their child. Not hearing enough the speech of adults, not seeing articulation and not being able to imitate it, the baby will lag behind in speech development. We must not forget that speech and mental development are closely related, and speech that is not formed in time can lead to a lag in mental development. For the development of a child's speech, first of all, it is necessary to create favorable conditions. The most important thing is to talk to your child as much as possible. He must constantly hear speech addressed to him, and not from the TV screen. To do this, you should constantly comment on all everyday situations and events in the baby's life. For example, getting ready to go to kindergarten, cleaning the bed, taking a walk, eating. It is important to describe everything that you see with your child, everything that you do, and everything that you feel, calling everything in simple words, trying not to use too long and complicated words. Reading and memorizing poetry, counting counters, which can be accompanied by actions that reflect the essence of what is happening, help in the development of speech.

Our children grow up in new conditions of total employment of parents, and, unfortunately, their problems are the product of new living conditions for adults, their impetuous life and lack of time. But it is important to understand that you will not be able to react like an ostrich in this situation, and the hope that everything will resolve itself, and the child "suddenly" will speak, is too small, even despite the assurances of the grandmothers.

Ekaterina Goltsberg

About the magic power of words that Mom says to her child

When we just started the fight for our eldest son, one psychiatrist - apart from everything very strange and not useful - made a huge gift to us. He talked about an experiment that was conducted somewhere in England (I can be wrong, since everything is according to his words).

The mothers of the sick children performed a simple ritual every night. After the child fell asleep, they waited for the active phase of sleep - this is about fifteen minutes later. And then they said simple words to the child:

"I love you. I'm proud of you. I am very glad that you are my son. You are the best son for me."

The text is something like this - the same for everyone.

And they compared these children with others - with similar diagnoses, but whose mothers did not whisper anything to them in the night. Babies who received their mother's nightly declarations of love recovered much faster. That's the kind of maternal magic.

We started to implement it almost immediately. Much easier - unlike most therapies, it's free, always at hand. At first I said what was required by the script. Then she began to improvise. Five years have passed, and I still whisper different words to my boys. To each of them and almost every night.

It's hard for me to talk about specific results, but Dani no longer has autism. And I'm sure my whispers played a role. But still, there is something that it gives me and the children. This is important to understand - magic works both ways! Both mother and child receive a very important thing. Everyone has their own "Something important".

What does it do?

Feeling of closeness with each of the children. This is an incomparable feeling. No matter how old they are, at the time of sleep they look like little angels. During the day, it is not so easy to hug or hold them in your arms - they already have so many things to do! And at night I hug each of them, talking about what is important for both of us. And I feel how our closeness grows and gets stronger.

Individual time for everyone. In the stream of days, I can not always devote personal time to everyone. More often than not, we are all together, as one team. We play, communicate, eat - all together. But at this moment, each of them is special. Because I say different words to everyone. Based on what now you want and need to tell this particular baby.

I can say something important that may not be heard during the day. The days are different. Sometimes from the abundance of information or sweets, babies may not behave very well, and this complicates our communication. But when I whisper in their ear at night about how much I love them, all this remains in the past. Quarrels, misunderstandings, resentments.

The child feels love. Once I read that a child should often say a phrase like this: "Do you know that if we could choose, then out of all the children of the world we would choose you." When I first said this to Matvey, he was delighted and surprised at the same time. He walked around and repeated: "What, really me ???". So I realized that it is very important for children to feel that they are special, that they are important and needed, just the way they are. Now this phrase along with "Did I tell you today that I love you?" firmly established in our lives. Moreover, Matvey - since he is the most talkative so far - always says in response that he would choose us as parents and would definitely choose his brothers.

I constantly say important phrases. In constellation therapy there is such a thing as "permissive phrases" - phrases that we say during the constellation, and they change the attitude of people, heal their souls. The words are usually simple - about love, acceptance, regret. So I found that if you say important phrases to your children at night, then many problems are solved by themselves. For example, with the hierarchy in the family. What phrases are and what I usually say:

• "I am your mother, and you are my son" - this phrase helps if you do not feel a connection with a child, namely a spiritual connection. And also if you have a broken hierarchy - and it is not clear who is whose mother.

• “I am big and you are small” - this phrase is again about the hierarchy. And besides, she helps to grow up in relationships with children. Children are very relaxed when mom finally becomes an adult.

• “I give, and you take” - this is again about the hierarchy, about the flow of energy. It helps if the mother tries to "pump out" the energy from the children.

• "You are the best son for me." Here you can add another order of the child. After all, I, for example, have not one son, but three. And each of them is good in its place.

• "You are exactly the son we need." This helps the child to feel his worth, his “goodness”. I especially recommend the phrase to those who constantly compare their child with others - not in his favor.

• "You don't need to do anything for me, I love you for what you are." Many will be outraged. But the phrase is not about not washing the dishes. But rather that for my sake you must not carry the generic dynamics.

• "I am very glad that you are." It especially helps those for whom the child was not very desirable.

• "I'm glad you're a boy." If, for example, you wanted a girl and could not accept the gender of your child for a long time.

• “Dad and I love you very much, you are our son” - the key word here is “our”. It helps if you have a tendency for children to pull, pull and share.

• "You are the same as your dad", "Your dad is the best dad for you", "I allow you to love dad and take from him" - if you have a conflict with the child's father, if he does not raise a baby or you are in a quarrel … But even for those parents who are together, the phrase can be useful. If the mother does not accept the father and does not allow him to actively engage in the child.

•"I'm really sorry". The phrase is suitable if during the day you had a fight, there was no understanding, punished, broke down. Don't beg for forgiveness - it breaks the hierarchy. But it's worth it to apologize and say that you are very sorry.

•"I'm proud of you". It is especially helpful when you are trying to make a child out of what he is not - and who possibly never will be. It also helps for those children who are very different from others - special ones, for example.

•"I love you". Three magic words from everything. If this feeling is embedded in them. That is, if you do not automatically pronounce some syllables and letters, but breathe out a declaration of love with all your heart.

How to choose phrases?

You can and should try different ones. And you will understand which ones are important and necessary for you and your child now. For example, on my own I notice that after that phrase, which is very important for me today, a deep exhalation occurs - by itself -. Something relaxes inside.

It's the same with the child. When it is important for him to hear something now, for example, that you are proud of him, he exhales and relaxes. Just watch. Sometimes such signs are not immediately noticeable, sometimes they are not so bright. But there is usually one criterion - some kind of relaxation.

You need to tune in to pronouncing magic phrases. You can't, as I said, do it mechanically. It is important to approach the process with a soul, and not on the run. Like, now I'll repeat it for three minutes on a piece of paper, and everything will be fine. The hardest work happens inside. For words to be magical, they need to be charged with this magic. And the charge that our children need is in our heart.

Sometimes, in order to say such simple words, you must first say something similar to your parents (in your heart). I know girls who, during the first sessions, cried over a sleeping baby. From my own childhood pain. But magic is magic because it heals. Including our maternal hearts.

The session shouldn't be long. It's only three to five minutes. But very emotionally intense five minutes. It is important to do this regularly and little by little. In small steps. Instead of trying to whisper three hours of love once a week. We eat several times every day, and we do not only do it on Sunday, right?

And besides, do not forget to say such phrases during the day, between times, for no reason. Hug them just like that if you walked by. Smack the back of the head, which is sitting side by side. This is something that children will remember for a lifetime. And most likely, this is what they will remember.

Don't underestimate the power of a mother's words. In order to admit this, remember what words of your mother do you remember now, thirty, forty years later. And which ones were important to you.

This magic is always available to you, does not cost money, you do not need anything special for this. Just wait for your baby to sniff sweetly - and whisper something important in his ear.

"I love you. I'm proud of you. You are the best son for me and dad"

What could be simpler and more magical than such words spoken by the heart of a loving mother?

Olga Valyaeva