How Isolation Affects Rising Domestic Violence and Divorce

2024 Author: Seth Attwood | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 15:55

During self-isolation, many countries recorded a sharp increase in the number of calls to hotlines from victims of domestic violence. As of the end of March, these figures were 32% more in France than in previous months, in Spain - by 12.5%, in Cyprus - by 30%, in China - three times.

Immediately after the abolition of quarantine, the divorce rate curve in the Middle Kingdom literally skyrocketed. In many Chinese cities, the queues for filing an application for divorce at the registry offices stretched for three weeks. The same trend is observed today in Russia. Family guards are sounding the alarm, but psychologists have known the "narikon" effect for a long time. Our columnist, psychologist Olga Ivanova talks about the nature of domestic violence.

Divorce at Narita Airport

This is how the word "narikon" is translated from Japanese. True, this "narikon" effect concerns a joint vacation, when spouses flee to apply to the registry office literally from the airport, after returning from a trip. The abrupt transition from "met only in the evenings for dinner" to "together 24 hours a day" often leads to dire consequences. Only on vacation is this complicated by the difference in desires: she wants to go to the museum, he wants to relax in the room, and in self-isolation - irritation and boredom.

One of the reasons for divorce is domestic violence, a sharp increase in the number of which is always observed during long holidays or weekends. And in all countries. The same data can be extrapolated for the period of forced self-isolation, and, probably, even on a larger scale than during the holidays.

So, already at the end of March, the number of calls to the all-Russian helpline for women increased by 24 percent compared to February, to the Moscow crisis center "Kitezh" - by 15 percent, three times as many calls were received to the Vologda crisis center and 19 percent more they became in the Krasnoyarsk Territory. Experts already call the current situation unprecedented, where each new episode of domestic violence is steeper than the previous one, and the cycles of their repetition (psychologists know that domestic violence has a certain frequency) will decrease.

The increase in the number of such cases during the quarantine period depends on many factors. Firstly, self-isolation is much longer than any weekend and holidays. Secondly, during quarantine, the percentage of alcohol consumption increases - one of the main "partners" of family quarrels (I wrote about this here).

As evidenced by studies of 549 hospital workers in Beijing, who were also self-isolating during pandemics of swine flu, Ebola and other infections. And, thirdly, it’s just logical: most people are not used to being around all the time. This provokes conflicts that many do not know how and do not want to effectively resolve.

Add to this the fear of losing a job and financial stability (and for some this has already happened, as a fact) and long-suffering distance learning, when three or four are fighting for the only computer in the family at once, when parents have to work remotely not only at their work, but also "Earn money" as a teacher for their children.

Agree, a picture is emerging, worthy of the pen of some Fedor Reshetnikov. In such conditions, the problem of domestic violence can arise even in those families in which it has never existed before. More precisely, it has not been brought to the extent that it can manifest itself during a crisis.

Not only women

It is customary to associate victims of domestic violence with women, but this is not always the case. Men also suffer from female abuse (violent relationship), although for obvious reasons to a lesser extent - they can simply fight back. So, according to Rosstat, in 2017 the number of women who suffered from domestic violence was 25, 7 thousand, the number of men - 10, 4 thousand.

Some, however, are sure that there may be more male victims, they just less often file a report with the police - they are embarrassed to admit that they have suffered at the hands of a woman. However, workers in crisis centers also say that the fair sex also turns to the police only in extreme cases - according to some of them, more than 70 percent of women who experience domestic violence do this.

However, it is quite possible we are talking about older men. With age, the gender component in matters of abuse in general can be greatly erased: they beat the one who is physically weaker. Therefore, both children and the elderly, regardless of gender, suffer.

So, already at the end of March this year, when quarantine had just begun in our country, crisis centers immediately began to receive more calls not only from women, but also from the elderly. The latter are bullied by their own children - they take out their irritation and take away their pension. But the elderly, as you know, are also the most vulnerable group in terms of deaths among patients with coronavirus. The additional stress clearly does not strengthen their already shaky immunity.

If we set aside the age limits, then, of course, it is primarily women who suffer from domestic violence. Firstly, because they are physically weaker, and secondly, because the male sex, compared to the female, is more inclined to express hostility directly: by rudeness and assault. Women, as a rule, use workarounds - cunning and passive aggression (criticism, cruel jokes, insults, and so on).

Domostroy and Stockholm syndrome

In the Russian mentality, washing dirty linen in public is not only not accepted, but also ashamed. The roots of this are in the past and even have written evidence. For example, in Domostroy (you shouldn't think that cruel attitude towards women was preached only in our culture - a similar situation could be observed in other countries, including in the West), where women were ordered to be kind, hardworking and silent. And also in everything to obey your husband and to lead family life with an eye to public opinion, so as not to cause "laughter and condemnation from people." Many modern ladies are simply ashamed of trouble in their own family, therefore, alas, they make a good face with a bad game. Not to mention the well-known "beats, it means he loves."

The same is true for children. We read in the same Domostroy: "And do not regret the baby bey: if you punish him with a rod, he will not die, but he will be healthier, for you, by executing his body, save his soul from death." Some people still see corporal punishment as a blessing. First of all, those people who themselves were beaten in childhood. This is explained simply and always in the same way: "I was beaten, so a good thing came out of me, not that of the current squabbles."

Needless to say, such people "reasonably" perform the same executions on their own children. Psychologists explain this phenomenon differently - the protective mechanism of identification with the aggressor is responsible for this behavior. By the way, the notorious Stockholm Syndrome is also associated with it, when the victim begins to sympathize with the offender. The nature of such a reaction is simple - the psyche "thinks" that if a person identifies himself with the aggressor, then this cup will pass him and the terrorists will pity him. The action of this defense occurs unconsciously - the person does not realize that he is in her power, confident that he really sympathizes and understands the offender.

Fathers and Sons

And in this way, the beating parent, as it were, takes out the evil on the children for his own childhood grievances, for the pain that he experienced in childhood in front of his father or mother who beat him. And, of course, this is an attempt to justify them, because we are taught from childhood that mom and dad “only want good” (and at the conscious level of most parents they do) and that parents “never make mistakes” (but this is already obvious self-deception based on a natural childhood illusion about an omnipotent father and mother; at a very young age, such an illusion is justified and necessary for the normal development of the child, but the problem is that some people cannot part with it even at forty).

In addition, the child needs a same-sex parent for self-identification. If, for example, a boy hates his father who beats him, he will have no choice but to identify himself with the mother-victim (if there are no other bright and significant figures for identification). This entails unpleasant consequences for his life (especially since the “female” model of behavior for a man is condemned in modern society, perhaps even more than the “male” model for a woman), therefore it is much more “profitable” for a boy to identify himself with an aggressor father …

Later, this identification will “force” him to beat his own wife and children, so as not to “look” in front of his inner father as a “slobber”, because he did the same with his loved ones. The grown-up boy-man, as it were, all the time proves to his inner father that he, too, wow, that he “will not tolerate” and further down the list.

It can also be transmitted genetically. If a person is able to beat a weaker one, and besides a close one (and, for example, not leave him if something does not suit him), then he has problems with empathy, that is, simply with sympathy. And if there are problems with empathy, this indicates a violation of the psychopathic spectrum.

The boy who was beaten by his father may simply inherit the latter's genetic disorders. However, if in childhood he ends up in a different family - he probably will not beat his children and his wife, he may only develop a certain degree of self-obsession and not very pronounced empathy (violations of the narcissistic spectrum). Therefore, a lot depends on upbringing.

In the case of an aggressor-father, a girl, as a rule, is also “not profitable” to identify with him - she chooses her mother as her identification. Despite the fact that she acts as a victim in the case of domestic violence, it is easier for a daughter to take a “ready-made” model of female behavior than to adapt a male one for herself (although, for various reasons, it happens in a different way - a girl identifies with her father, but this happens less often).

At the same time, she sympathizes with the mother, receiving, moreover, certain "benefits": the mother takes pity on society, and, therefore, she will pity her when she grows up and connects her life with the same aggressor (when tyrants often choose as victims not at all "victims" in life, but, on the contrary, very vital women - it gives them real pleasure to break them and use their resources: money, power, fame, or even just activity and optimism; what keeps such women close to the aggressors is a separate topic for conversation).

And some women are convinced that “endure is their destiny”, that love and the notorious “female wisdom” are learned through pain. After all, her mother and grandmother acted this way: “if I don’t tolerate, then what kind of woman I am I”. Often men, especially those who themselves are prone to abuse, support the same position in relation to the fair sex.

Some girls from such families choose, however, a different path - never to enter into a relationship, or, having entered and became disappointed once or even several times (in fact, the repeated choice of the "wrong" life partner is precisely due to problems from childhood), to decide that "it is better to be alone" so as not to repeat the fate of the mother, who endured the tyrant all her life.

You are the one to blame

If we go back to Domotroy, we can find out that it was not forbidden to beat wives, but only "for the purpose of education", therefore, a certain tolerance for this type of violence in modern Russian realities also stretches from the old times. Although today this is condemned, it is often only partially. Because in society there is still a position “you have to listen to the other side as well”. As if there are times when beating a woman or an old man might be justified.

“She herself provoked”, “if she had not done so, nothing would have happened” - how many times have I heard these phrases from acquaintances and unfamiliar people. Blaming the victim is a typical symptom of any abuse. Moreover, he blames not only the aggressor himself (at the same time shedding crocodile tears: “how could I do this,” “I won't do this anymore,” and so on), but also society: “once I hit, then I brought it”.

Few people think about what thinking is the result of a banal cognitive distortion, known in psychological science as belief in a just world. This phenomenon was formulated by the American social psychologist Melvin Lerner. Its essence is simple: most people prefer to believe that the world is immanently just. That good will certainly triumph over evil, that everything will return to the offender like a boomerang, life will punish him, and so on. Needless to say, such a conclusion, alas, is only needed for complacency and has little to do with our chaotic reality. But the thought of this is very traumatic and literally unbearable for a huge number of people.

From this phenomenon the religious concept of paradise developed, from which the roots of accusation of the victim or victim-blaming also grow: since someone has suffered, it means that they are to blame (“if people have had a misfortune, it means they have sinned a lot,” “they were raped because they put on a short skirt. "," Hit because I provoked ").

As a result, the victim becomes even more isolated in his suffering: not only does she endlessly blame herself ("how can I tolerate this"), but others also blame her (from "how do you live with him" to "provoked herself") … Warming up the endless attempts of the victim to surpass the human limit of patience and jump over new, ever higher moral "standards" that the aggressor sets in front of her ("I will change my behavior, then he will change").

What to do?

Leave. There is no other, alas, given. To do this, it is not at all willpower that is needed, as many believe, but, first of all, trivial knowledge, since in such relationships there are a lot of manipulations that the victim does not know about, and which do not allow her to break with the aggressor. But getting away from the abuser is only half the battle, it is important not to return to him.

But this is what often happens in such families: the victim endlessly leaves the aggressor, and he, in turn, endlessly tries to return it. This game is based on a sharp mix of subtle manipulation by the latter and the secondary benefits of the victim himself. Unraveling this tangle is not easy - you need not only the help of a professional, but also a lot of inner courage.

But there are worse situations when one has to literally run away from the tyrant, when the victim, if translated into the terminology of narcologists, has reached "bottom" depending on the aggressor. What should you do then? First of all, contact the crisis center. In Russia, there are only about 15 of them (in Sweden, by the way, about 200), many of which, moreover, are still quarantined today. Therefore, the problem remains extremely acute and only hopes for a successful outcome.