What happens if you reject your father

2024 Author: Seth Attwood | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 15:55

During my work with children, in my practice, I had to face the following facts:

1. Children love their parents equally much, regardless (!!!) of the behavior they demonstrate. The child perceives mom and dad as a whole and as the most important part of himself.

2. The relationship of the child to the father and the father to the child is always shaped by the mother. (The woman acts as an intermediary between the father and the child, it is she who broadcasts to the child: who is his father, what he is and how he should be treated).

3. The mother has absolute power over the child, she does whatever she wants with him, consciously or unconsciously. Such power is given to a woman by nature so that the offspring can survive without unnecessary doubts. At first, the mother herself is the child's world, and later she brings the child out into the world through herself. The child learns the world through his mother, sees the world through her eyes, focuses on what is significant for the mother. Consciously and unconsciously, the mother actively forms the child's perception. The mother also introduces the child's father, she broadcasts the degree of the father's importance. If the mother does not trust her husband, then the child will avoid the father.

Occasion at the reception:

- My daughter is 1 year 7 months old. She runs away from her father screaming, and when he takes her in his arms, she cries and breaks free. And lately she began to tell her father: “Go away, I don’t love you. You are bad.

- What do you really feel about your husband?

- I am very offended by him … to tears.

4. The attitude of the father to the child is also shaped by the mother.

For example, if a woman does not respect the child's father, then the man may refuse attention to the child. The same situation is repeated quite often: as soon as a woman changes her inner attitude towards the child's father, he suddenly expresses a desire to see the child and participate in his upbringing. And this is even in those cases when the father had ignored the child for many years.

5. If attention, memory is disturbed, self-esteem is inadequate, and the behavior leaves much to be desired, then the father is sorely lacking in the child's soul. The rejection of the father in the family often leads to the appearance of intellectual and mental retardation of the child's development.

6. If the communicative sphere, high anxiety, fears are violated, and the child has not learned to adapt to life, and everywhere feels like a stranger, then he cannot find his mother in his heart in any way.

7. Children find it easier to cope with the challenges of growing up if they feel that mom and dad accept them whole, as they are.

8. A child grows up emotionally and physically healthy when he is outside the zone of problems of his parents - each individually and / or them as a couple. That is, he takes his place as a child in the family system.

9. The child always “holds the flag” for the rejected parent. Therefore, he will connect with him in his soul by any means. For example, he can repeat difficult features of fate, character, behavior, etc. Moreover, the more the mother does not accept these features, the brighter they appear in the child. But as soon as the mother sincerely allows the child to be like her father, to love him openly, the child will have a choice: to connect with the father through the hard, or to love him directly - with the heart.

10. The child is devoted to mom and dad equally strongly, he is bound by love. But when the relationship in a couple becomes difficult, the child, by the strength of his devotion and love, is deeply involved in the difficult that hurts the parents. He takes on so much that he really does a lot to alleviate the mental suffering of one or both parents at once. For example, a child can become a psychologically equal parent: a friend, a partner. And even a psychotherapist. Or it can rise even higher, replacing them psychologically with their parents. Such a burden is unbearable for either the physical or mental health of the child. After all, in the end, he is left without his support - without his parents.

eleven. When a mother doesn’t love, trust, respect, or is simply offended by the child’s father, looking at the child and seeing many manifestations of the father in him, consciously or unconsciously makes the baby understand that his “male part” is bad. She seems to be saying, “I don’t like this. You are not my child if you are like your father.” And out of love for the mother, or rather because of the deep desire to survive in this family system, the child still refuses the father, and therefore the male in himself. For such a refusal, the child pays too high a price. In the soul of this betrayal, he will never forgive himself. And he will definitely punish himself for this with a broken fate, poor health, unluckiness in life. After all, living with this guilt is unbearable, even if it is not always realized. But that is the price of his survival.

To roughly feel what is happening in the child's soul, try to close your eyes and imagine the two people closest to you, for whom you can give your life without hesitation. And now all three of you, holding hands tightly, are in the mountains. But the mountain you were standing on suddenly collapsed. And it turned out that you miraculously stayed on the rock, and two of your dearest people hung over the abyss, holding your hands. The forces are running out and you realize that you cannot pull out two of them. Only one person can be saved. Who will you choose? At this moment, mothers, as a rule, say: “No, it is better to die all together. It's horrible! Indeed, it would be easier this way, but the living conditions are such that the child has to make an impossible choice. And he does it. More often in the direction of mom.

“Imagine that you still let go of one person and pulled out the other.

- How will you feel in relation to someone you could not save?

- Huge, incinerating guilt.

- And to the one for whom you did it?

- Hatred.

But nature is wise - the theme of anger at the mother in childhood is tabulated harshly. This is justified, because mom not only gives life, she also supports it. After abandoning dad, mom remains the only person who can support in life. Therefore, by expressing your anger, you can cut the branch on which you are sitting. And then this anger turns to itself (auto-aggression).

“I did it badly, I betrayed my dad, I didn’t do enough to … and I’m the only one. Mom is not to blame - she is a weak woman. And then problems with behavior, mental and physical health begin.

12. The masculine is much more than the likeness of his own father. The principle of the masculine is the law. Spirituality. Honor and dignity. A sense of proportion (an inner sense of relevance and timeliness). Social self-realization (work to one's liking, good material income, career) is possible only if there is a positive image of a father in a person's soul.

13. No matter how wonderful the mother is, only the father can initiate the adult part within the child. (Even if the father himself did not manage to build a relationship with his own father. This is not so important for the initiation process).

You've probably met adults who are infantile and helpless like children. They start a bunch of things at the same time, have many projects, but they never finish one. Or those who are afraid to start a business, to be active in social self-realization. Or those who cannot say no. Or they do not keep the given word, it is difficult to rely on them for anything. Or those who constantly lie. Or those who are afraid to have their own point of view agree with many things against their own will, “bending over” to the circumstances. Or vice versa, those who behave defiantly fight with the outside world, opposing themselves to other people. Or those to whom life in society is given with great difficulty, “exorbitant prices”, etc. - these are all those people who did not have access to their father.

14. It is only next to the father that a small child learns boundaries for the first time. Own boundaries and the boundaries of other people. The verge of what is permitted and what is not permitted. Its capabilities and abilities. Next to the father, the child feels how the law works. His strength.(Relations with mom are built on a different principle: without borders - complete merging).

As an example, we can recall the behavior of Europeans (in Europe, the principles of the masculine are clearly expressed) and Russians (in Russia, the principles of the feminine are clearly expressed), when they find themselves together on the same territory. The Europeans, no matter how small they find themselves in space, are intuitively placed in such a way that no one interferes with anyone, no one violates anyone's borders, and even if this is a space crowded with people, then everyone still has a place for their interests. If Russians appear, they fill everything with themselves. There is no longer any place for anyone. Destroying someone else's space by their behavior, because they do not have their own boundaries. Chaos begins. And this is exactly what the feminine is without the masculine.

15. It is in the male stream that dignity, honor, will, purposefulness, responsibility are formed - at all times highly valued human qualities.

16. Children whom their mother did not allow to the paternal stream (consciously or unconsciously) will not be able to easily and naturally awaken in themselves a balanced, adult, responsible, logical, purposeful person - now they will have to make tremendous efforts. Because psychologically they remained boys and girls, never becoming men and women.

Now a person will pay an incredibly high price for his mother's decision to "protect the child from the father" all his life. As if he had lost the blessing of life.

If the wife respects the husband and the husband respects the wife, the children also feel respect for themselves. Whoever rejects a husband (or wife) rejects him (or her) in children. Children perceive this as a personal rejection.

Bert Hellinger.

17. The father plays different but significant roles for the son and daughter. For a boy, a father is his self-identification by gender (that is, the feeling of being a man, not only physically, but also psychologically). The father is the homeland for the son, his “flock”.

From the very beginning, a boy is born to a person of the opposite sex. Everything the boy comes into contact with in his mother is different in essence, different from himself. The woman experiences the same feeling. Therefore, it is wonderful when a mother can bestow her love on her son, filling him with a female stream, initiating female principles, and lovingly letting him go home - to his father. (By the way, only in this case can a son respect his mother and be sincerely grateful to her).

18. From the moment of birth and until about three years old, the boy is in the field of influence of the mother. Those. he is saturated with the feminine: sensitivity and tenderness. The ability for close, trusting and long-term emotional relationships. It is with the mother that the child learns empathy (feeling into the state of mind of another person). In communication with her, interest in other people awakens. The development of the emotional sphere is actively initiated, as well as intuition and creative abilities - they are also in the female zone. If the mother was open in her love for the baby, then later, becoming an adult, such a man will be a caring husband, affectionate lover and loving father.

19. Normally, after about three years, the mother lets her son go to his father. It's important to emphasize that she lets him go forever. Letting go means that it allows the boy to be nourished by the masculine and to be a man. And for this process it is not so important whether the father is alive or dead, maybe he has another family, or he is far away, or he has a difficult fate.

20. It also happens that there is no biological father and cannot be with the child. Then what matters here is what the mother feels in her soul for the child's father. If a woman cannot agree with either his fate or with him, as the right father for her child, then the baby receives a lifelong ban on masculinity. And even the right environment in which he rotates will not be able to compensate for this loss. He can go in for men's sports, the second husband of his mother can be a wonderful person and a courageous man, perhaps there is even a grandfather or an uncle who is ready to communicate with the child, but all this will remain on the surface as a form of behavior. At heart, the child will never dare to violate the maternal prohibition.

But if a woman still manages to accept the child's biological father into her heart, then the child will unconsciously feel that being male is good. Mother herself gave her blessing.

Now, meeting men in his life: grandfather, friends, teachers, or my mother’s new husband, the child will be able to feed himself with the male flow through them. Which, he will take from his father.

21. The only thing that matters is: what is the image in the soul of the mother about the father of the child. A mother can admit a child to the paternal stream only on condition that in her heart she respects the child's father, or at least treats him well. If this does not happen, then it is useless to say to the husband: “Go play with the child. Go for a walk together,”etc., the father will not hear these words, just like the child.

Only what is accepted by the soul has an impact. Does the mother bless the father and the child for mutual love for each other? Does mom's heart fill with warmth when she sees how the child looks like her father?

If the father is recognized, then now the baby will begin to actively fill with the male. Now the development will go according to the male type, with all male characteristics, habits, preferences, and nuances.

Those. now the boy will start to differ greatly from his mother's female and will more and more resemble father's male. This is how men grow up with a pronounced masculinity.

Occasions at the reception:

(6-year-old boy, severe neurotic disorder)

- Who do you live with?

- With mom.

- And dad?

- And we kicked him out.

- Like this?

- We divorced … he humiliates us … he is not a man … ruined our best years …

At the reception: (teenager 14 years old, severe migraines, fainting, unlawful behavior)

- Why didn't you draw dad, after all, you are one family?

- It would be better if he did not exist at all, such a dad …

- What do you mean?

- He fucked up his mother all his life, behaved like a pig … now he doesn't work …

- And how does dad feel about you personally?

- Well, he doesn't scold for deuces …

- … all?

- And all … what from him? … I even earn money myself for entertainment …

- What do you earn?

- Weaving baskets …

- Who taught?

- Father … he taught me a lot, I can still fish … I can drive a car … a little wood … so by the spring the boat was ground up, we will go fishing with my father.

- How do you sit in the same boat with a person who would not be better in the world at all?

- … well, in general, we have such a … relationship is interesting … when my mother leaves, we are good … she doesn't get along with him, and I can even with my mother and father, when not together …

At the reception: (6-year-old girl, communication problems, not attentive, nightmares, stuttering, biting nails …)

- Why did you draw only mom and brother, but where are you and dad?

- Well, we are in a different place so that mom has a good mood …

- And if you are all together?

- That's bad …

- How bad is that?

- … … (the girl is crying)

Over time:

- Only you don't tell your mom that I love dad too, very …

At the reception: (boy 8 years old, severe depression and a number of other diseases)

- … What about dad?

- I do not know…

I appeal to my mother:

- You are not talking about the death of your father?

- He knows, we talked about it … (mom cries), but he doesn't ask, and he doesn't want to look at the photos.

When mom leaves the office, I ask the boy:

-… are you interested in learning about dad?

The boy comes to life and looks into my eyes for the first time.

- Yes, but you can't …

- Why?

- Mom will cry again, don't.

Marta Lukovnikova, child psychologist