Mom-dad-therapy. 20 messages to your child

2024 Author: Seth Attwood | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 15:55

A child is an individual, he is unique and inimitable. Just as in the garden we will not find a single exactly the same flower, so our baby is valuable precisely because he is what he is. And, at the very least, it would be strange to require a violet to become a rose, just because you love roses more. Out of love for you and the desire to meet your requirements, the violet would, of course, try her best, but only you cannot go against nature, and upset by unsuccessful attempts, it would fade, instead of blooming in all its glory and giving everyone its scent.

What kind of support can we provide to our child?

Messages that help development are presented in stages - from birth to 3 years, moreover, phrases that are relevant in the first stages do not lose their meaning in subsequent ones.

We can say these messages to the child or mean, the main thing is that he feels that this is really so, the parents sincerely think so. And it is very, very important that the words coincide with our actions, with non-verbal behavior (tone of voice, facial expression, eyes, body posture), otherwise the child will believe the behavior.

So, if we tell a child that it is not good to fight, but we ourselves can hit him, then he concludes that it is possible to beat people, because the greatest authority - the parent - does this.

Therefore, it is important that these messages come from your heart. Here they are:

1. I am glad that you live

If a child is constantly scolded, criticized, the child often believes that his existence is not welcome. Consciously, of course, he does not understand this, this happens unconsciously, and in the future it may be reflected in destructive attitudes regarding himself as a person.

2. You belong to this world

You, I - we are part of this world, and everything in it is interconnected. We can trust this world, rely on it. The world loves you and cares about you.

3. Your needs are important to me

And since they are important, then I satisfy them, that is, I not only try to keep the baby fed and healthy, but also give him benevolent attention, affection and praise, play with him, organize joint activities, and so on (depending on the needs corresponding to his age).

4. I am glad that you are you

It is very important for a child (and, in fact, for any person) to know that you accept him, love him and will love him by anyone: capricious, fighting, frightened, crying. And you are glad that he is exactly what he is and do not seek to change him.

5. You can grow at your own pace

Parents tend to worry if their baby lags behind their peers in development, but here it is important to accept that everyone has their own pace of development and not to compare the child with other children. It is better to compare his own achievements, rejoicing in every little success of the child. After all, yesterday he could not reach the rattle himself, but today it worked.

6. You can experience all your senses

Any feeling that a child has has its own reasons. And their suppression leads only to the fact that part of the energy that could be directed to the development of the organism is directed to prevent the feeling from breaking out to the surface. And negative emotions, not immediately expressed, accumulate until later in life they turn into problems. Children's grievances remain for life … If parents accept a child only when he is joyful and in a good mood, then the child himself will find it difficult to accept his negative emotions. But only when they are accepted do they leave. Phrases like “men don’t cry”, “it’s not good to be angry”, “stop being offended” can be considered rejection. The child will feel that his feelings are accepted if the parents simply name the feelings that he is experiencing, help him to realize them - "you are sad now and you are crying", "you are very angry", "you are offended that I did not buy you a bunny."

7. I love you and willingly take care of you

The child can draw the opposite conclusion if the mother is always tired, talks about how she does not want to cook, how tired she is of all this, "and then there is this naughty child."

8. You can explore and experiment, and I will support and protect you

A child is just beginning to learn about the world, and how the corresponding qualities will be formed in the future depends on how much his curiosity is supported, attempts to learn something from his experience. And we, as caring parents, by giving him enough space, will protect him from the dangers that could threaten his life and well-being.

9. You can use all your senses to explore the world

The world is so interesting and it is not enough for the kid to see, he needs to smell, lick, taste. The more sense organs are involved, the better the baby remembers something and the more evenly all body functions develop. There are many points on the fingers and toes, the activation of which contributes to the development of the brain, improves the functioning of the body.

10. You can do as much as you need

A small child may need much more time to master a new type of activity than we have enough patience for this. And, if we really want the kid to learn and the feeling of victory is entrenched in him, then it is in our interests to give him as much time as necessary.

11. You can be interested in everything

Any question asked by a child has the right to be asked. And it is advisable not to wave it off and not give ready-made answers. To activate the baby's thinking, you can ask first - what do you think? Whatever the question may seem to you - stupid, strange, since a child asks it - he has a reason for that. And you can clarify what exactly he means, why he asks. And even if you do not know the answer, say what you do not know, but you can find out for him, and be sure to answer later. Our negative reaction to the question, the silence allows the child to conclude that this topic is obscene and that this is something that cannot be discussed with the parents.

12. I love the way you take initiative, grow and learn

The child can see that mom and dad like it from our friendly faces, benevolent mood, and encouragement of this very initiative. One of my acquaintances, when she tried to help her mother and grandmother in the kitchen as a child, they said: “Don't, you’re still small, you’ll grow up, then you’ll get ready”. And natural interest in this has disappeared. As an adult, it is easier for her to buy in the store than to cook something herself. And her relatives are surprised - "Well, why didn't the girl grow up as a mistress?"

13. I love you both when you are active and when you are calm

How often, when we are tired at work, we can say to a child who is playing: do not make a noise, be quiet, that you are so loud, calm down. But, to be honest, we try to adjust it for ourselves, to make it more convenient for us. And then in adolescence we think: why is my child so passive. Therefore, it is very important not to suppress the baby's energy, it is better to channel it in a constructive direction - offer to build a garage from cubes, cook dinner for the dolls, or help you with what the child can already cope with.

14. I'm glad (a) that you start to think for yourself

If we want to raise a creative and independently thinking person, it is very important to ask the opinion of our child, to reason with him on questions that are interesting to him, to stimulate the development of his imagination.

15. You may be angry, but I will not allow you to hurt yourself or others

The kid still cannot control his feelings and, when he is angry, the first impulse is to hit the offender, hit back. And without denying his right to get angry, we can suggest other, acceptable, ways to express anger. In one family, a child surprised a grandmother with the words: “I am now very angry with you, so you better not come near me. I’ll calm down in the kitchen now and then I’ll come.” You can have a cruel pillow at home that your toddler can use to beat when he is angry with someone, or a bouncy hammer that can knock the anger out.

16. You can say no and check boundaries as much as you need

Do you know adults who find it difficult to refuse someone, and they agree to provide a service, provide assistance, although they do not want it? As a result, they feel anger, guilt, but cannot do anything. I think it is difficult for them to say “no”, because they are afraid in case of refusal to lose the affection and love of another. That is why it is very important to give the child the opportunity to say “no” and recognize his right not to want to do something: “I understand that you don’t want to go for a walk right now, but I need to buy groceries. How are we going to do it?"

17. You can learn to think for yourself and I will think for myself

Eat porridge, dress warmer - my mother persuades in a tone that does not tolerate objections. And then, in adulthood, a person overeats or malnourishes, because he does not know how to hear, recognize the signals of his own body. After all, before his mother decided for him: is he hungry, and how much to eat. It often happens that a mother stands on the playground, it is cold for her to stand, and the child rushes about, headlong - and he is hot. "Hot" - the body gives a signal, "cold" - says mom. Whom should he obey? And, growing up, such children already ask their husband-wife: "What should I wear today?"

18. You can think and feel at the same time

It happens that even an adult is at a loss, there are many thoughts in his head and it is not clear how to act, how to behave. What can we say about the baby. In such a situation, appeal to feelings can help, you can ask yourself: “What is happening to me? What am I feeling now? And then the decision comes by itself.

19. You can know what you need and you can ask for help

Sometimes we do not know what the child needs, so it is important to tell him that he can ask us for what he wants.

20. You can separate from me, and I will continue to love you

3 years is the age when the baby strives for independence, and we hear “I myself” almost every time we want to do something for him. In the desire to try your hand and do it yourself - there is precisely the separation from the mother, which is so necessary for the harmonious development of the child. And our task is to make him feel that you respect his right to independence and believe that he will succeed.

These messages can also be effective when used as the basis for a story written for a child. The scheme for creating a fairy tale can be as follows: it tells about the situation in which the main character finds himself (what is relevant for your baby), and then how he got out of it. A supportive message can be a message that is conveyed to the main character by an assistant (wizard, another character), or the conclusion that the hero makes at the end. This support will help your child overcome the obstacles he will face on his way, and these messages will give strength to cope with any difficulties. They can become that solid foundation, the foundation on which the house of the child's future life will be built. Give this support, radiate it with your eyes, convey it with touch, give it with all your heart, your baby needs it so much …