A man is brought up by activity

2024 Author: Seth Attwood | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 15:55

For myself, I made a very interesting conclusion: I realized that good children can be raised only when you do a lot yourself, and the children begin to connect to adult affairs, first start helping their parents, and then they become interested and they can no longer live without work. …

What qualities are truly masculine?

-Those qualities that are truly masculine are those that are not feminine. There is a polarity in everything: soft - hard, strong - weak, good - evil, selfish - sacrificial. The relationship between a man and a woman is complementary. Based on this dichotomy, we mark such masculine qualities as strength, responsibility, a sense of duty, firmness and reliability, all that women usually call a "stone wall." And men say about this: "With this, I would go to reconnaissance."

Initially, these qualities are not inherent in a child. If we look at an adult man who possesses these qualities, then we need to know the history of his life in order to understand how he developed these qualities in himself. It is clear that the upbringing of boys and girls is different. To bring up a real "courageous man", you definitely need another man who will lead the boy through life, who will give him something as a teacher, show and prompt something. Even such elementary things: light a fire with one match, not cry when you break your knee or nose, when blood flows. This is a man's reaction. The woman has completely different reactions.

If a woman demonstrates examples of male behavior, then a confusion will occur in the child's head. What's the problem with single mothers? They are forced to replace their father. Those. they try to both caress the child and pamper him, at the same time teach good male behavior. For this, they themselves begin to become strong, hardy, reliable, etc., and the child loses his bearings. He then begins in his already adult life to look for such strong, reliable, by male standards, women. And in fact, he becomes a weak man with a strong wife.

The most important thing in raising a man is continuity. It is imperative to do life with someone. It is impossible to grow up to be a courageous person if you do not have a model. Therefore, the question of having a father is very acute. If there is no father, maybe a grandfather is a good, reliable grandfather.

Who else can you look up to? The coach. For this, many mothers also resort to the help of priests, so that the son feels, on the one hand, fatherly love, on the other, exactingness and severity.

In principle, both men and women have the same set of qualities, but in different proportions and with different accents. Those. and a man should be kind and gentle, but at the same time firm and responsible and strong and more precise.

How do masculine qualities manifest in a family, and how is a lack of masculine qualities manifested?

-Male responsibility is not the same as female responsibility. These are completely different things. And in the family, male responsibility concerns more global issues. Male responsibility is directed "outside". He is responsible for what happens around the family. Everything around - embedding the family in a certain level of social status - is all on the man. Responsibility for the inner world of the family: for how children grow up, how family matters go - this is more on the woman. And a woman should be responsible, but she has a different responsibility.

What are the consequences of a man's lack of masculinity in his personal life? As you know, "civil marriage" is a manifestation of irresponsibility. Maybe if men were more masculine, there would be fewer "civil marriages" and more real marriages?

- This is true, but the family is still more of a woman's business. How many responsible men we know, but it is impossible for them to create a family, because they fulfill their social tasks in this life. But they cannot match themselves to find a responsible woman who will perform the internal tasks of the family just as well. This is the main problem. They need the same woman - a reliable helper who will share with him a sense of responsibility, but he has for the external security of the family, and she has for the internal security of the family, so that they help each other and support each other. The family rests on this.

Unfortunately, now there are few feminine women, because in our time, unfortunately, girls tend to be raised as beautiful butterflies, moths. The current "glamorous" trends have completely distorted the entire feminine nature; and it is very difficult to find a normal responsible woman among these moths and butterflies.

There is such a concept of "macho". How does “macho” compare with the image of a “real man” in your opinion?

- The "macho" image is based on the fact that our women and girls are guided by outward vivid signs. They do not teach to look for the main thing, to go inside. Therefore, they begin, like moths, to react to vivid images of pumped-up guys. In fact, it is necessary to react not to these external signs, but to internal characteristics.

But a macho is not just a handsome man, it is something else

- This is hypersexuality, this is external muscularity, this is aggressiveness, this is the ability to behave in a restaurant and purely female hysteria. That's what macho is.

In contrast, I would like to give an example of a different image. We have a Russian ultimate fighting champion. His name is Fedor Emelianenko. For several years he was invincible. So when you watch fights without rules, the Japanese, Brazilians, Americans come out there and they are all aggressive, trying to seem scary and evil. And he is kind of round, so calm, a face like a child's - kind. And this kind of kind wins everyone. They gave him a nickname - "The Last Emperor". Kindness - is it more suited to the properties of a real man than the aggressiveness of a macho?

- Yes, but it has to do with cultural archetypes. For us, these are Ilya Muromets, Alyosha Popovich, Dobrynya Nikitich - pay attention, the names are kind of affectionate. Our man is characterized by an alloy of strength, courage, responsibility and extraordinary gentleness and kindness. This is our domestic cultural type of man. And what comes to us from the East and from the West is an outward manifestation of anger, aggressiveness, even animal disgrace. This is closer not to masculine, but to animal manifestations - intimidation, this bristling in anger, hating eyes, etc. It is clear why such people lose to our kind Alyosha Popovich or Ilya Muromets. There is little human.

It seems to me that the reason for this strength and kindness - on the one hand, aggressiveness - on the other hand, is in the presence or lack of spirit. Americans, in my opinion, are weak people, devoid of masculinity. They are so used to relying on their money, on their weapons. Remember when three American pilots were captured during the war in Iraq, how pathetic they looked when they were filmed in this camera, how frightened they were. And even if you watch American films - action films, where there are a lot of murders, there are no real supermen among these actors, they are forced to somehow grin and growl something and pretend to be, but there is no real power there

- Many people say that Americans are actually not bad people, they are somewhat like children, in their frivolous attitude to life. For us, a certain philosophical understanding of life, being, God, etc. is characteristic. And they, like children, must be fed, watered, shod, clothed, i.e. they have a bunch of needs that need to be met. They just go along with these needs. By the way, they are trying to direct our modern youth along this path, but life is not exactly needs and their satisfaction is in fact passing through deep semantic layers. And our person simply cannot live without working through these layers, he then loses everything in this life.

It also has cultural and historical roots. After all, ours Ilya Muromets, Alyosha Popovich - they also grew on our Russian plains. And mother - the Russian land - is a concept that is also included in the archetype. Well, and these American warriors, what kind of land did they grow up on? On the originally rich land, where they came and destroyed the entire local population. Only then did they start building their own state there. They destroyed the civilizations that were there, destroyed people, destroyed countless herds of bison and other animals. Those. initially, their statehood was built on the destruction of all living things, and therefore it is natural that every American carries it inside himself. The consequences of external destruction entered their personality structure.

What did you yourself do to raise your two sons to be real men?

- My education as a psychologist helped me to realize many things in the process of life, to work out, rethink and understand in a special way. One of the concepts on which a lot is built in Russian psychology is the concept of activity. This is a key concept, since in activity we exist, in activity we manifest ourselves, in activity many of our mental functions and personality traits are formed. We can say that our activity educates, develops, feeds, gives water, etc.

When my first child was born, I watched him develop, not only as a mother, but also as a researcher. And I understood (many parents understand this): it is very important for the child to be close to the parent and to be included in his activities "on the catch", that is, he began to perform some elements of the activity together with the parents, then the set of these elements expands, becomes more complicated, until the child masters this type of activity.

Often parents drive a small child away from household chores, because if done with the child, the process is lengthened, since the child does it slowly, with mistakes. What can be done in 5 minutes, you do with his "help" for an hour. And this is what scares many parents. And I tried to include the child in everything. First one son, then a second and a daughter. But the younger children began to join in the activity after the eldest son, already learning from him.

If we look at ancient toys, then, as a rule, these are reduced copies of tools. If an adult has a large ax, then a child has a small ax; if an adult has a large knife, then a child has a small knife. The woman deals with the children, and the girl is given a small doll. In play, a child tries to imitate an adult, he learns this way. He takes possession of the objective world, and the world of human relations, including through objective activity in this world.

Ie the game is an imitation of labor

- Yes. All mental functions develop very well in joint activity: both observation, and attention and responsibility and memory - everything develops splendidly.

When my son was three years old, I remember, we lived in a dacha then, we planted a radish with him. Then every day they walked and watched how it grows: first two leaves appeared, then four leaves, then a whole bunch of leaves grew, a root crop began to form. Every day you make a discovery together with your child, and every time it is such a delight! These discoveries give a lot of joy and happiness to adults as well.

Having a dacha, we did something there. The child, naturally, like any child, wanted to be involved in adult affairs. Somewhere at the age of three, I bought him a small shovel - not a toy, but a real shovel, like a sapper. And from the age of three he began to help dig. We are digging, and he is standing somewhere nearby, digging so that he will not be hit with a shovel. We dig up vegetables - carrots or potatoes - and the child helps to collect. The next stage, he begins to help plant her. Dad digs a hole, the child throws potatoes there. At the next stage, at the age of 9-10 years, he himself began to plant potatoes.

When my son was 11 years old, I remember this situation. We went to a neighboring village for milk. People from whom we took milk ask: "Have you dug up potatoes?" My son replies very seriously that he did not dig up the potatoes. The owner of the cow began to cry, so it struck him: that it was not mom who was responsible for this, not dad, but the boy said: “Oh, I haven’t dug it out yet.”

Gradually, the child was attracted to various matters, and by the age of 11 it had come to the point that he himself negotiated with the tractor driver who came to plow, himself showed him the area to be plowed, and we have a large field, so the tractor driver had to tell where to plow, how, to what depth, how many holes to make. This was all determined by an 11-year-old boy. Then he himself negotiated with the tractor driver when it was necessary to come to huddle and dig it up, or he dug it up and cleaned it up himself. All activities were planned, organized by him, we did not interfere. The child took it up with enthusiasm - and let him do it.

And so are other activities. So, they began to build a new house with dad and grandfather - he helped them, and he finished it himself, and we already helped him.

In various common affairs with the younger children, they helped the eldest. He has already acted as a teacher, as a leader.

Why are these natural activities good? They are diverse, they are stretched over time. The child begins to plan, track stages, adjust the process of activity. There is a lot to learn to do, be able to, know, feel. And on such a simple activity, the child forms many positive personal qualities: responsibility, dedication, attention, memory, and other purely masculine qualities.

We often came to the dacha in winter, as we tried not to spend our holidays in urban conditions, because here you can just sit at home for two weeks or hang out on the street. At the dacha in winter there was always a lot of things to do for children, for example, cleaning snow, chopping wood, heating the stove, bringing firewood and water. In order not to sit idle, somewhere at the age of 13-14, the son began to negotiate with the foresters himself - he took plots and cleaned the forest. On the one hand, he was doing a socially useful thing, on the other hand, there was not only firewood, there were also poles going - on the fence, for some kind of construction work.

And for me it was important that the guys worked out the planning of activities, its regulation and other important things using simple material. A lot of complex skills can be formed on simple things. The most important thing for a mentally healthy man is unwillingness and inability to be idle, healthy business activity.

In winter, the guys had breakfast in the morning, I cooked something for them with me. The men went skiing to the forest all day. Moreover, one man was 13-14 years old, the other was 7. The elder sawed small trees, the younger chopped off twigs and burned them at the stake, and they also drank tea and had a snack there. In the evening, in winter it got dark quickly, they returned home.

The interaction of boys of different ages also helped them become men. The elder performed some functions, the younger - others, and they complemented each other. The elder showed care and responsibility, and the younger, helping the older, also grew up as a man.

In economic life, you can always find real things for children. It's one thing to play with a toy hatchet, and another thing to chop wood with a real one. That is, there were always some things to do, boys, from an early age, chopped wood, sawed, dug, mowed, and built. Between cases and all children's games were played with enthusiasm.

The neighbors did not like it all at first. They said, let the children run more, play, walk, etc. “Why should they give so much to do? Children need a happy childhood. "Then one of the neighbors, with his son, began to repeat our family experience. They came for the summer. He got up in the morning, and put his son next to him, and they also sawed, dug, chopped something there until lights out at seven in the evening. And he did all this, as he said, because I thought a lot about the fate of children with a carefree "happy childhood", seeing how hard they were.

For myself, I made a very interesting conclusion: I realized that good children can be raised only when you do a lot yourself, and the children begin to connect to adult affairs, first start helping their parents, and then they become interested and they can no longer live without work. … And if the position in life is such that it is necessary to rest more, then children grow up lazy, relaxed, devoid of the meaning of life.

What did such an upbringing give your sons as men? Today, what opportunities have they acquired, what qualities?

- Purely masculine qualities. They are very responsible. They have no bad habits. They don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t do stupid things, they simply don’t have time for it. They are in business all the time, as they got used to since childhood, and now they are in business all the time. They both graduated well. The eldest son immediately entered graduate school; as soon as he finished, he immediately defended himself. Then he worked at the department, now he was invited to be the director of a state-owned company. It can be seen that he is a responsible, hard-working, active person, this helps him a lot in life.

The youngest son also does not sit idle. Constantly involved in some kind of business, and not just to do business, everything is productive. And he also graduated well from the institute, immediately entered graduate school, now he is the second year of graduate school. He made good reports, wrote articles, an interesting topic for him. He not only studies, he now works a lot, gets up at six in the morning and goes to bed after one in the morning.

And he does not just blindly perform some kind of functionality when it is necessary to do "inside and out". He is involved in one work, in another, in a third, in a fourth, not because he is being dragged into it, he himself finds a sphere of application of his abilities. He can do what, for example, I or my father cannot, which even his leaders cannot do.

Well, do your children also have some additional advantages in their personal life, thanks to their habit of work?

- It seems to me that they have the correct vision of the situation, it helps to avoid mistakes in family life. Indeed, in fact, the collapse of the family begins with some mistakes. If we recall the film "Moscow Does Not Believe in Words", remember this episode there: when Batalov-Gosha helped to deal with the punks, then he came home, and his girlfriend reprimands him in such a director's tone that it should be the last time. This is what our wives, our women, usually do. So he, being a strong man, he did not miss this "splinter". Our men, who are not involved in activities, who are relaxed, let these "balls" pass. They missed it once, missed it for the second time, missed it for the third time - they are not attentive to such things. In the end, then the collapse of family life begins. And then they shrug their shoulders and say - where it comes from, it is not clear. But the man is collected, active, attentive, he does not miss such things.

How many good, married couples I have observed, there a woman does not allow herself liberties in the presence of her husband. It happens in a relationship of two that a woman makes some kind of negligence, it happens that a man is wrong, but as a rule, in families where such active, purposeful men, if he saw that a woman allowed herself more than possible, he, loving her and treating her gently and kindly, she will immediately stop it. Because he is a responsible person and perfectly sees the future prospects of this.

On the other hand, if he rudely breaks off his wife like a man, then he immediately becomes ashamed. He realizes that this is not a guy with whom you can do this, but still a woman, a wife. And he immediately hugs, kisses his wife, even in front of strangers, and says: "Sorry, dear, I was wrong."

Our conversation was about masculinity. Finishing it, I want to wish you to find your own way to acquire this quality from you and your children. And this is the path of love, mutual understanding and mutual support, the path of active creative life. Be attentive and loving to simple things, they are not as simple as they sometimes seem.

Lyudmila Ermakova