Five reasons to stop saying "Well done!"

2024 Author: Seth Attwood | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 15:55

Walk along the playground, go to school or appear at a child's birthday party, and you can be absolutely sure that you will repeatedly hear "Well done!" But can you praise "wrong"? Is there any negative side to praise?

Even very little ones, when they clap their hands, are praised ("Well done! You clap well"). Many of us say to our children "Well done!" so many times that it can already be considered a parasite word.

Many books and articles have been written about the need to be against violence and to refuse punishment, from flogging, from isolation. Sometimes there will even be those who ask us to think again before using stickers and delicious food as bribery. And you will also see how difficult it is to find those who can say a word against what is decency called positive reinforcement.

To avoid misunderstandings, let's immediately decide that the article in no way questions the importance of supporting and approving children, the need to love them, hug them and help them gain good self-esteem. Praise, however, is a completely different story. That's why.

1. Manipulation of children.

Suppose you praise a 2 year old for not spilling soup, or a 5 year old for taking away his arts. Who will benefit from this? Perhaps the word "Well done!" more about our convenience than about the emotional needs of children?

Rheta DeVries, professor of education at the University of Northern Iowa, calls this "sweetened control." Very similar. Notable rewards, as well as punishments, are a way to do so, in line with our expectations. This tactic can be effective for getting a specific outcome (at least temporarily), but it is very different from, (for example, engaging them in a conversation about what makes class (or family) responsibilities easier), or how how other people suffer from what we did or what we didn’t.”The latter approach is not only more respectful, but also more likely to help children become thoughtful people.

The reason that praise can work in the short term is because kids crave our approval. But we are faced with a responsibility: not to use this dependence for our own convenience. "Well done!" just an example of how this phrase makes our life easier, but at the same time we take advantage of our children's dependence on praise. Children also feel that this is manipulation, although they cannot explain how it works.

2. Creation of "commendable" addicts.

Of course, not all praise is designed to control children's behavior. Sometimes we praise children simply because we are happy about their actions. However, even though praise can sometimes work, you need to take a close look at it. Rather than reinforcing a child's self-esteem, praise can make them more dependent on us. The more we say: "I like how you …", or "Well done …", the less they learn to form their own judgments, and the more children get used to relying only on grades, on opinions about what is good and what is Badly. All this leads to a one-sided assessment of their words by children. Only those who will make us smile or get our approval will be considered faithful.

Mary Budd Rowe, a researcher at the University of Florida, found that students who were lavishly praised by their teachers were less confident in their answers and more inclined to use interrogative intonation in their voices. ("Um, seven ? "). They tended to quickly backtrack on their ideas as soon as adults disagreed with them. They were less likely to be persistent in solving difficult problems and to share their ideas with other students.

In short, "Well done!" does not convince children of anything, and ultimately makes them more vulnerable. There may even be a vicious circle: the more we praise, the more the children will need it, so we will praise them even more. Sadly, some of these kids will grow up to be adults who will also need someone to pat them on the head and tell them they did it right. Of course, we do not want such a future for our daughters and sons.

3. Stealing children's pleasure.

At the same time that addiction can arise, there is another problem: the child deserves the right to receive pleasure from his own achievements, to feel pride in what he has learned to do. In addition, he deserves the right to independently choose how to feel. After all, every time we say "Well done!", We tell the child what he should count and how to feel.

Of course, there are times when our grades are appropriate, and our management is necessary (especially for toddlers and preschoolers). But a constant stream of value judgments is neither beneficial nor necessary for child development. Unfortunately, we did not fully understand that "Well done!" is exactly the same grade as "Ay-ay-ay, how bad!". The most characteristic sign of a positive judgment is not that it is positive, but that it is a judgment. And people, including children, do not like being judged.

I dearly love the moments when my daughter succeeds in doing something for the first time, or when she does something better than she has ever done before. But I try not to succumb to the "unconditioned reflex" and don't say "Well done!" Because I don't want to diminish her joy. I want her to be happy with me, and not look at me, trying to see my verdict. I want her to exclaim "I did it!" (which she often does), instead of hesitantly asking me, "How's it going? Okay?"

4. Loss of interest.

From Well Drawn! children can turn out who will draw only as long as we watch (as they draw) and praise. As, warns Lillian Katz, one of the experts in the field of early childhood education, "children will only do something as long as we pay attention to it." Indeed, an impressive body of scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for what they do, the more they will lose interest in what they will have to do in order to receive the reward. And now we are not talking about reading, drawing, thinking and creativity, now we are talking about a good person, and whether ice cream, stickers or "Well done!" contribute to its creation.

In a disturbing study by Joan Grusec at the University of Toronto, small children, who were often praised for being generous, tended to be slightly less generous in their daily lives than other children. Every time they heard “Well done for changing” or “I'm so proud that you are helping people,” they become less and less interested in sharing or helping. Generosity came to be seen not as an act of value in itself, but as a way to get the attention of an adult again. She became a means to an end.

Does praise motivate children? Certainly. She motivates children to receive praise. Alas, often at the expense of love for the action, which eventually drew praise.

5. The number of achievements decreases.

"Well done!" can not only slowly destroy independence, pleasure and interest, it can also interfere with a child's job well. Scientists have found that children who have been praised for completing a creative assignment tend to be blocked from completing the next hard assignment. Children who were not praised after completing the first task did not experience these difficulties.

Why is this happening? This is partly because there is pressure on the child to “keep doing good,” which is what gets in the way of the creative task. The next reason is the decline in what they do. And also children stop taking risks, an obligatory element of creativity: once they start thinking about how parents would continue to speak well about them, they will continue to do so.

In general, "Well done!" is a relic of a trend in psychology that reduces a person's entire life to visible and measurable behavior. Unfortunately, this approach ignores the thoughts, feelings, and values that underlie behavior. For example, a child might share a sandwich with a friend for a variety of reasons: because he wants to be praised, or because he doesn't want the other child to go hungry.

In praising what he shared, we ignore the variety of driving motives. Worse, it's a working way to make a child a praise hunter someday.

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One day you will begin to see the praise for what it is (and what happens because of it), and if after that, you see even the slightest evaluative expectation hatching from your parents, it will make the same impression on you as scratching your nails on school board. You will start rooting for the child and, in order to give teachers and parents a taste of your own flattery in your own skin, turn to them and say (in the same sweet voice), "Well done, you praised!"

However, this habit is not easy to break. Stopping praising children may seem strange, at least at first; the thought may arise that you are becoming dry and prim, or that you are constantly holding yourself back from something. But it soon dawns on us: Whenever you realize that this is so, you need to reconsider your actions.

What children really need is unconditional support and unconditional love. It's not just something completely different than praise, it's praise. "Well done!" - this condition. And we refuse attention, recognition and approval so that our children jump through the hoop and strive to do things that bring us pleasure.

This point of view, as you have already noticed, is very different from criticism directed towards people who give many and easily approvals to children. Their recommendation is that we become more stingy with praise and require children to "deserve" it. But the real problem is not that kids expect to be praised all day long for whatever they do. The problem is that we are provoked into labeling and managing children with rewards instead of explaining them and helping them develop the necessary skills and build self-esteem.

So what is the alternative? It all depends on the situation, but whatever we decide to say in return, it is necessary to offer something related to real affection and love, specifically for the child, rather than for his affairs. When unconditional support enters our life, without "Well done!" it will already be possible to get by; and when she is not yet, "Well done!" help and will not be able to.

If we reckon with the help of praise for a good deed, to make the child stop behaving badly, then we must understand that this is unlikely to work for a long time. And even if it works, we really won't be able to determine whether the child is "in control of himself" now, or it would be more accurate to say that it is praise that controls his behavior. The alternative to this is classes, finding out the possible reasons for this behavior. We may have to rethink our own requirements, and not just find a way to get children to obey.(Rather than using the word “Well done!” To make the 4-year-old sit quietly throughout the class or family dinner, perhaps you should ask yourself if it is reasonable to expect this behavior from a child.)

We also need children to participate in decision making. If a child does something that interferes with others, then you need to sit next to him and ask: "Do you think we can find a way out of this difficult situation?" This is likely to be much more effective than threats or bribes. It will also help your child learn to cope with problems and show him how important his thoughts and feelings are to us. Of course, this process takes time, talent and courage. When the child behaves according to our expectations, we throw him: "Well done!" And it doesn't contain anything to help explain why "do to" is a much more popular strategy than "work on."

And what can we say to a child when he does something really impressive? Let's consider the possible options:

1. Say nothing. This approach is very consonant with the Montessori technique. Maria Montessori wrote that, by nature, a child does not need praise. It contains the desire to learn and create, and praise can in no way affect his intrinsic motivation, only if the child is no longer crippled by constant evaluations from the parents. In Montessori classes it is generally not customary to praise, and children quickly get used to it and master the ability to independently evaluate their results. Most of the materials and teaching aids in the Montessori environment include error control - this means that the child can check himself, check with the sample. This saves children from having to ask the teacher every time whether he completed the task correctly. Teachers, in turn, almost completely avoid value judgments of the child's actions.

2. Indicate your presence with a glance or gesture. Sometimes it’s important to just be close to the child, and words are not needed here. If the child turns his gaze at you, wanting to attract attention, then you lovingly look at him in return, or touch him with your hand, hug. These little visible actions from the outside will tell the child a lot - that you are there, that you are not indifferent to what he is doing.

3. Tell your child what you see: "What beautiful flowers you painted!" The child does not need evaluation, it is important for him to know that you see his efforts.

Supporters of this approach, world-renowned experts in the field of communication with children A. Faber and E. Mazlish recommend praising a child for positive actions in this way. If, for example, a kid has eaten all the soup, then you can say "this is what I understand a healthy appetite for!" If you put the toys back in place - "the room is in perfect order!" Thus, you will not only express words of approval for the child's act, you will look into its essence, but also show that you respect the child's efforts.

4. Ask the child about his work: "Do you like your drawing?", "What was the most difficult?", "How did you manage to draw such an even circle?" With your questions, you will encourage the child to think about their work and help them learn how to independently evaluate their results.

5. Express praise through the prism of your feelings. Compare the two phrases "Well drawn!" and "I really like the way you painted this ship!" The first is completely impersonal. Who is drawn, what is drawn? In the second case, you express your attitude to the child's work, noting the moments that you especially liked.

6. Separate the child's assessment and the performance assessment. Try to pay attention not to the child's ability, but to what he did and mark this in your praise: “I see that you have removed all the toys. It's great that the room is clean now, "instead of" What a cleanliness you are!"

7. Praise the effort, not the result. Recognize the child's efforts: “You must have had more than just giving half of the candy to your friend. It was a generous act on your part! This will show your child that you value their efforts and that it is not easy to be generous.

As you can see, the range of opportunities to express approval of a child is quite wide and certainly not limited to standard value judgments. Does this mean that parents should completely abandon the words "well done", "good", "excellent"? Of course not. It would be wrong to restrain yourself in those moments when the child's actions evoke vivid positive emotions in you. Still, one of the smartest reasons for expanding the range of ways you can compliment your child is to tell them how you feel.

It is not so important to remember the new sequence of actions, as it is important to keep in mind the image of how we want to see our children in the distant future, and to observe the effect that our words have. The bad news is that using positive reinforcement isn't all that positive. The good news is that you no longer need to evaluate your children in order to reward them.

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