How to recognize and "cure" infantilism in a man

2024 Author: Seth Attwood | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 15:55

When we hear the phrase "infantile", we usually imagine a person irresponsible, dependent, frivolous, unable to make well-thought-out decisions in a timely manner. An adult, but behaves like a child….

Many representatives of the older generation like to say that today's youth are sheer infantiles. We propose to leave this thesis aside (although we will return to it a little below) and instead figure out what infantilism is, what are its signs and who can really be called an infantile person. And most importantly, what are the reasons for this phenomenon and is an immature person capable of growing up and becoming an adult?

Types of infantilism

To begin with, let's figure out what types of infantilism will be discussed. Depending on the sphere, this word has different meanings. In psychiatry, it is a pathological developmental delay when the adolescent's behavior and emotional responses match those of children (or when an adult behaves like a child or adolescent). There is also physiological infantilism - accordingly, physiological pathology, a delay in the development of organs and systems. In everyday use, it is most often meant psychological and / or social infantilism, which is not associated with pathologies. It is on these views that we propose to stop.

The main features and signs of infantile behavior

In psychology, infantilism is spoken of when adults (according to a passport) people in life exhibit traits characteristic of a child or, rather, a teenager. In such cases, they note that we are faced with an immature, infantile personality. Moreover, we repeat, this has nothing to do with pathologies of the psyche. This means that the hero of our story is generally healthy, but his way of thinking and behavioral patterns do not correspond to those of mature individuals. What exactly do you mean?

Consider the most obvious signs of infantilism.

• First of all, this is the inability to make a decision and be responsible - for the choice made, for the work performed, etc. An adult realizes that his every decision leads to one or another consequence - significant or insignificant, good or bad.

  

  An "adult child" categorically does not want to take responsibility.

• This is also connected with another important feature of an infantile person: he does not know how to solve problems. If they do arise, our hero waits for an "adult" adult (parents, spouse, friends) to come and fix everything or, in extreme cases, say what needs to be done to fix everything. This also leads to the fact that a person is not able to assess the true consequences of one or another of his actions - after all, in general, such an assessment is made for them by others. Some perceive the cost of any wrongdoing at the “school level”: everything can be dispensed with with the teacher's lectures and a diary entry. Whereas in adulthood, sometimes everything is much more serious.
• "Adult children" tend to shift responsibility - they almost always have others to blame. Such individuals cannot take responsibility not only for themselves, but also for others, and in addition, they are quite selfish. This is a consequence of the inability to understand the thoughts, feelings, point of view of other people. However, in this matter, everything depends on the psychology of a particular person.
• Many immature individuals, between a serious matter and pleasure, will choose the latter (sometimes regardless of the importance of the matter). "Adult children" are often unable to force themselves to do something and do not think about the consequences of this. For the sake of momentary desires, they are able to behave very irresponsibly. They also rarely think about the future - both their own and other people.

This recalls the confrontation between the limbic brain and the neocortex in McLean's Three Brains. "Grown-up" adults are adept at taming the limbic brain and following what the neocortex says. At the same time, infantiles often simply obey the limbic system and do not even try to cope with its impulses.

Social infantilism

Very close to psychological and social infantilism. He also assumes that we have a mentally healthy person who does not want to take responsibility and solve problems. In this case, these are issues of socialization, adaptation to environmental conditions, social values. Mainly - unwillingness to take responsibility associated with new for such individuals, "adult" responsibilities.

It should be noted that social infantilism carries not only an objective, but also an evaluative component.

The point is that the starting point here is the values and mores of society. Values change - for example, from generation to generation, and with such a change in the eyes of parents, their children will be social infantiles.

For example, now some women do not see the meaning of life in creating a family and raising children (traditional values). In the eyes of one part of society, such ladies look, at best, infantile girls who do not want to take responsibility. In the eyes of another part, the decision not to have children can be even more responsible than the decision to give birth, if the woman realizes that she is not yet ready for this from a financial or moral point of view.

Thus, if representatives of the older generation speak of young people as continuous infantiles, they most likely mean social infantilism (or people who use this word may not know its meaning at all, but this is a completely different story).

Since the psychological and sociological types are, in principle, quite close, we suggest further considering them together.

Infantiles in work and personal life

Infantile men and women strive for an easy life in which there are no serious worries and problems - like in childhood. At the same time, an "adult child" can be a very successful specialist in his field, but in everyday life, in relationships, behave like a teenager (flexible or capricious). But it also happens that he has problems with work. For example, some veer off the path when faced with even the smallest obstacle. They immediately give up, transfer the project to other employees, refuse promising positions and tasks, fearing not to cope. Others are too irresponsible to rely on because they find it okay to quit because they get bored or want to do something else. All of this, of course, complicates the career path.

Infantilism does not know gender: it is found with equal success in men and women. It should also be noted that this phenomenon is far from new, and "adult children" have existed at all times.

As for family relationships, the heroes of our story may well be in strong relationships. But they are not looking for a partner for themselves, but for a parent - someone who will solve all problems for them. If their soul mate is satisfied with such a role, then this union can be quite harmonious. “Oversized children” are suitable for those who prefer to make decisions on their own for themselves and for others and who like everything to be the way they want it. An "adult child" has children of their own. Often, these two "types" of children enjoy spending time together, playing, etc. It is important here that the boy or girl still had an example of an "adult" adult before his eyes.

Contrary to the opinion of some people, hobby for computer games, science fiction, films, books, comics, collecting toys, etc. in itself is not at all a sign of infantilism in adults. Just as individual traits of character do not speak about this or an attitude that does not coincide with the public point of view towards certain life issues (marriage, children, work). In the following articles, we will look at this issue in more detail. In the meantime, let us note: to be an infantile person means to exhibit many of the above traits in a complex!

The reasons for the development of infantilism

As you know, many personality traits stem from childhood. Social and psychological infantilism is no exception. Moreover, in most cases it is associated with the mistakes of upbringing on the part of the parents. Among the most common reasons are overprotectiveness, the desire to please the child in everything, to protect him from all problems and worries, to run to help even before he asks for it.

Imposed guilt is one unpleasant thing that comes from parenting mistakes.

It is negatively affected by the complete disregard of the opinion and feelings of the little person, making all decisions for him (what to wear, what to play and what to do), an attempt to embody in a son or daughter what the parent himself did not succeed in.

There are other reasons why children grow up by passports, but not by personal development. However, parenting is too voluminous a topic that should be considered separately. The most important thing: due to the fact that parents constantly and in the bud "chop off" decisions, dreams, aspirations, desires, ambitions, emotions, intentions of the child, in the end he simply stops thinking and deciding on his own. Why, if it will still be as mom or dad say? Because of this, the process of formation, maturation of the personality is disrupted in a young person, and as a result, it never matures.

As an adult, such a person tries his best to maintain the status quo - that is, not to decide anything for himself, not to cope with difficulties, to do what others say. This has its advantages as well. Are there any disadvantages? Yes, and there can be quite a few of them.

What are the problems of infantilism?

• One of the main problems for some "grown children" is that they cannot be truly happy. They don't know what they really like in life, because before that all decisions were made for them. If someone is lucky and he really likes his work - great. However, many are so unlucky, but they have to go to an unloved job for years, since they cannot make a decision to change it and / or get a new profession.

• Likewise with personal life - even with a soul mate, in fact, an "adult child" can be very lonely.

  

  Because a) the person did not choose a partner, but a parent who does everything the way he wants; b) it is not a fact that the infantile made this choice on his own, and not everything was decided for him.

• Immature individuals depend on other people, on their opinions and on their actions. Left to their own devices, they risk becoming helpless. Of course, a mature person also needs close people, but this is not about dependence.
• The heroes of our story hide from internal problems and fears, because this is precisely the area where others cannot solve for them. But such problems and fears do not disappear anywhere, on the contrary, they only become stronger.
• Also, many "adult children" are quite suggestible, easily amenable to someone else's influence and manipulation. Many are carried out on advertising, including very dubious ones, buying unnecessary things. Some get involved in scams, pyramid schemes, etc. This feature is due to the fact that many "big children" are drawn to easy money and magical ways to get it. It is as if we have before us a special belief in miracles, peculiar to children, only at the “quasi-adult” level.

Is it possible to get rid of infantilism?

You can get rid of infantilism. Formally, in order to stop being infantile, a person needs to realize that his life depends only on him, that he can change it himself, that he has the right to his opinion, his decisions, emotions and desires, as well as to implement everything conceived in life. It doesn't look too complicated - in theory, all this is given to us from birth. However, in practice, if a person of a conscious age has never listened to himself and did not make decisions,

it may be difficult for him to readjust. Therefore, not everyone manages to defeat infantilism without the help of a psychologist.

The desire of the person himself to change is also important. Many "adult children" do not see the peculiarities of their thinking and behavior. Everything described above is present for them rather on a subconscious level. They do not think that mom / dad / husband / wife will come and solve all the problems. They do not understand that they cannot make a decision on their own. They think (and say) something like: "I need to consult before giving a final answer." Such people are proud enough to consider all imposed decisions as their own.

In addition, outwardly being under eternal care is very convenient, and if earlier the hero of our story lived within the framework of the "parent-child" model, it means that he had such an opportunity. However, if a person feels lonely, unhappy, or experiences any problems or fears, he himself may want to change something in himself and in his life. And for "grown children" this is already a big step forward.

What if your loved one is an infantile?

"A friend is known in need" - this saying well reflects the easiest way to calculate the infantile. As long as everything is normal and you do not face problems, the immaturity of the personality may practically not manifest itself in any way. But when problems need to be addressed, the childish behavior and way of thinking of your friend or significant other becomes apparent.

Can you help your loved one stop being childish? Yes, you can help. However, you should not take on the role of a parent and decide for the person whether he needs it or not.

It seems to you that someone is living wrong, but he himself may really like it. In addition, if you decide for an infantile, then you simply take your place in the parent-child model.

One way or another, if you are helping a loved one grow up, help gently. Start small. For example, try asking him more about what he wants, starting with minor points. To begin with, leave it to him to choose how you will spend the weekend, what to cook, etc., then move on to more significant questions. Ask more often what the person is feeling and what they want. But do not condemn and do not say that his feelings or desires are wrong - they say this to infantiles without you. Your loved one must actually understand that he can make decisions, that he has a right to his emotions and desires. But also let him cope with the problems that arise on his own - be there and provide support, but do not do anything for a friend.

Ask who your loved one wanted to become as a child and, if possible, offer now to take a step towards that dream, and together with you. Or maybe he already has more "fresh" desires, which in fact are not so difficult to fulfill? For example, if a person wanted / wants to become an artist / cook / read Shakespeare in the original, sign up with him for the appropriate courses. Your support will be very important.

Let us recall the main rule - do not do anything for a friend, do not make decisions for him. Let him do it himself, and you just be there and provide support if necessary.

As you know, some immature people "urgently" grow up, faced with various serious problems, because of which it is no longer possible to remain a child. However, in no case "treat" others with any stresses (similar recommendations can be found on the Web). Remember that someone in such cases grows up, and someone breaks down - gets a neurosis, falls into depression, etc.

In conclusion, we note: of course, it is important for adults to retain a part of the child in themselves - to enjoy pleasant little things, to dream, to believe in miracles, etc. But it is also important that an adult be at the helm at the right time. No matter how attractive childhood may be, it must give way to another life, which also has a lot of good things.